Mustache Watch: Lance Berkman

When Bad Company announced through song that they, as a collective, were “ready for love,” the about-to-be-ravished were left to wonder: “What does a man who’s ready for love look like?” The answer, it turns out, is this:

Word on the streets of America and Hollywood is that Mr. Berkman’s tickler is faux. It matters not. The Ray-Ban Aviators are real, and the zests and vitalities behind the mustache are real. This reinforces an age-old dictum for us: one need not have a damn mustache in order to have a damn mustache.

A mustache is, ipso facto, hair astride American lips, but it is also knowing which responding officer to punch first. It is having sex in a hallway. It is using a coupon to buy a motorcycle. It is stashing pot in a gun.

Lance Berkman’s mustache is not real because it is too real.

(Image courtesy of my soon-to-be primary employer)

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6 Responses to “Mustache Watch: Lance Berkman”

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  1. B says:

    Batting fourth, it’s the first baseman… Burt Reynolds???

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  2. Resolution says:

    Everything about this post, from the words to the visual – a visual which makes all words irrelevant, redundant, or just a distraction, needs to be enshrined in some sort of hall of fame/cathedral/tomb of pharaohs, or in the very least permanently entered into our collective unconscious.

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  3. kenshin kawakami says:


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  4. olethros says:

    In my younger days, I did everything on the list in the penultimate paragraph, except purchase a motorcycle with a coupon.

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