My Daughter is Not Impressed by You, Jack Daugherty


My daughter is not impressed by you, Jack Daugherty.
She creases the cardboard in her clumsy hands
While you gaze upward at a future, long since past.
To her, we are all undrafted free agents.
She doesn’t understand how it feels to have a baseball card.
She doesn’t understand how it feels to be young.

A million photographs of you languish in plastic tubs,
In garages and attics, wedged between Weedles and basic lands
Protesting to an uncaring, amnesiac world
That you made it, when so many failed, when so many
Assumed you’d fail. You drew 10 walks in 1989.
You, a propaganda poster for the Protestant ethic, a piece of history.

But history is a tyranny of the old upon the young
Of implicit values, adages and limitations,
The insipid morality of sugarless breakfast cereals
Strained carrots, quiet lies, living for tomorrow.
There is no American Dream for the children
Who cry through their naptimes.

My daughter rejects your truths, Jack Daugherty.
She cannot read your name and would not care to.
The accomplishments summed on the back of the card
Are not even numbers, betray no intelligence
A feral, flimsy, and fleeting cuneiform
Good only for being eaten.

As my daughter gnaws apart your effigy,
Destroys one small fraction
Of your existence in this world
She coos to herself, softly.

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Patrick Dubuque writes for NotGraphs and The Hardball Times, and he served as former Bill Spaceman Lee Visiting Professor for Baseball Exploration at Pitchers & Poets. Follow him on Twitter @euqubud.

6 Responses to “My Daughter is Not Impressed by You, Jack Daugherty”

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  1. Soup says:

    My son is a big fan of Blaise Sonnery.

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  2. Jack Daugherty says:

    I drew 11 walks in 1989.

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    • Perhaps this was once true. But with every card destroyed, so goes a little of your past.

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      • Jack Daugherty says:

        Even if your daughter eats every single card of mine in existence (please don’t let her), she will never take away from me the glorious past that was once my glorious future. After all, I may not have been great, but I played ball for a living.

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        • Sherrie says:


          I have been wondering about you for years! I think you were amazing. Cadillac Jack!

          I hung out with you one night at Baja. I’m the reporter that had the cover for Ruben and was always hanging around the locker room interviewing someone. :) Or in Bobby’s office…Lol

          Remember? Sherrie…

          I would love to talk to you. Hope all is well. Please contact me….would love to have an update!

          I love what you said above….”she will never take away from me the glorious past that was once my glorious future” Wow…

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  3. BlackSabbathia says:

    Dat basic lands analogy! Really drives home the worthlessness of 99% of the cards in any given set.

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