My Fantasy Auction Spreadsheet

My spreadsheet has many columns.

My spreadsheet has many rows.

My spreadsheet smells like jasmine.

My spreadsheet says the sweetest things to me as I drift off to sleep at night.

My spreadsheet is made of gold.

My spreadsheet has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

My spreadsheet wears a tuxedo.

My spreadsheet has a key to the city.

My spreadsheet shot a burglar dead.

My spreadsheet knows how to program my DVR.

My spreadsheet is in a street gang.

My spreadsheet has met the President.

My spreadsheet needs a root canal.

My spreadsheet wears army boots.

My spreadsheet was a finalist for a Pulitzer.

My spreadsheet speaks Korean.

My spreadsheet has many, many wives.

My spreadsheet leaps tall buildings in a single bound.

My spreadsheet knows me better than I know myself.

My spreadsheet holds the secrets to the universe.

My spreadsheet is a one-celled organism.

Wait. What happened to the other cells? Oh, shoot. I think I just deleted my spreadsheet. Does anyone have a list of projected dollar values I can borrow?

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

5 Responses to “My Fantasy Auction Spreadsheet”

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  1. I'M A PC says:


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  2. Kris says:

    You sound like a financial analyst using heroin to come down off his coke binge.

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  3. scatterbrian says:

    That’s, like, the Most Interesting Fantasy Auction Spreadsheet in the world.

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  4. Triteon says:

    This is my spreadsheet. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

    My spreadsheet is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

    My spreadsheet, without me, is useless. Without my spreadsheet, I am useless. I must read my spreadsheet true. I must read straighter than my enemy who is trying to beat me. I must pick before he picks ahead of me. I will…

    My spreadsheet and I know that what counts in this draft is not the xFIP, the number of our BAIP, nor the SLG%. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit…

    My spreadsheet is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its rows and its columns. I will keep my spreadsheet clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will…

    Before God, I swear this creed. My spreadsheet and I are the defenders of my team. We are the masters of our league. We are the saviors of my life.
    So be it, until victory is America’s and there is no BAP, but waivers!

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