“My Fantasy Team Sucks More Than Your Fantasy Team” — A Play In Two Acts, Written By You

Merriam Theatre

Okay, over the next few weeks, we’re going to write a play together. I’ve given you the title. Throw into the comments some character ideas, scenes, plot elements, stories, lines of dialogue, whatever you can come up with. I’ll take from what’s there– not everything, but whatever I can– and start building. I’ll post a scene next week, then open it up to you to tell me what should happen next. And so forth. An experiment. We’ll see what happens. If it’s terrible, hey, then it’s terrible. If it’s not, then, uh, I don’t know– FanGraphs Masterpiece Theater Video Podcast?

Print This Post

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

31 Responses to ““My Fantasy Team Sucks More Than Your Fantasy Team” — A Play In Two Acts, Written By You”

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
  1. gator32301 says:

    i’ve always enjoyed people at the tail end of snake drafts bitching about long stretches between picks, thus resulting in missing out on their sleepers.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Wigs says:

    So far, can I be the evil archvillian who has Buck, Morse, Chris Davis, Wright, Frazier, Lowrie, etc… ?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. thirteenthirteen says:

    Why is Yoenis Cespedes injured?
    Why won’t the Rays call up Wil Myers, goddammit?
    What was I thinking when I drafted Jered Weaver?
    Matt Cain, you’re killing me here.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Urban Shocker says:

    Carlos Quentin. Carlos f’n Quentin. There is no luck in fantasy baseball-there is only spite. And karma.

    I have angered the fantasy gods and now I must pay. This is surely the result of my dalliances with the neanderthal masses in fantasy football, a game of chance where simply drafting Purple Jesus assures you of no less than a 3rd place finish.

    There goes my Alpha. And my omega. I drafted Jason Heyward with Cliff Lee on the board. I should have drafted Carlos Lee. My penance shall be returning Tim Lincecum to my starting rotation.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Jaack says:

    All I want to do is trade for a cromulent 2nd baseman, but every’s asking price is Steven Strasburg.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Worst Team Owner says:

    Spitballing some ideas here:

    Owning both Quentin and Greinke.

    Accidentally accepting a terrible trade with the league manager who won’t cancel it.

    Your kid, nephew, niece, or someone gets on your fantasy team page and picks up garbage players because they have cool names or are on his favorite team.

    Wetdreams/nightmares (pending you own him or are facing him) of Matt Harvey’s slider

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. kdm628496 says:

    adam dunn as the high-functioning strikeout addict who loses the “high- functioning” part, then becomes medium-functioning for a year, then bats freaking .100 with a 7.8% walk rate.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. Hayden says:

    Before the season: “Dude, it was like I was the only one in my league who knew Aaron Hicks was starting on opening day. What a bunch of chumps.”

    During the season: *cries quietly to self, inserts recently added Michael Brantley into starting lineup.*

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. ettin says:

    I’ll trade you Tommy John Bundy for Appendix Heyward?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. ugglas arms says:

    A gang of feisty gerbils hell-bent on finding an ass to sleep in find themselves in an arena filled with dragons, sprites, elves and trolls. Their only hope is to cast spells and create magical potions to escape. Turn to page 55 if Gellbly the gerbil king escapes to the realm of flocking circulorectazoidal Curfs. Turn to page 81 if Gellbly’s miniature minion of man-like yet magical Marflings are captured by Carson Cistulli the conquerer of creatury comfortable campsite Castique’s….the end is up to you. But remember “Today’s yesterday is yesterday’s tomorrow’s memory and memories are but a yesterday and a tomorrow away.”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  11. ugglas arms says:

    How about Final Fantasy Baseball…

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. nicholas says:

    picking picthers last and getting a rotation of lester, teheran, josh johnson, jason hammell. traded heyward for cole hamels. trying to make a connection between hamels, hammel, and hamlet.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. Double J says:

    Jason Heyward at least your apendectomy won’t drive my Batting Avg any lower.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  14. Dave says:

    After Roberts and Greinke went down, I became so disgusted that I didn’t even want to look at my team. Now it’s a vicious feedback loop of suckitude because my team is injured, and poorly managed.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  15. Rags says:

    True story, I made a sacrifice at the grave of Henry Chadwick last year and won my league. Made a bigger sacrifice to him this year and not doing so hot. I don’t know what I did to offend his ghost.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  16. James K. says:

    My children don’t respect me.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  17. John says:

    A diehard Astros fan desperately wants to own one of his guys in the fantasy universe. Draft day comes, and Harrell after Norris after Altuve evade him…

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  18. John says:

    A professional analyst’s girlfriend, who drafts her team based on physical attractiveness and spends much of draft day lost in Dustin Ackley’s eyes, outperforms her boyfriend.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  19. John says:

    A fantasy player seeking to trade away his middle infield depth begins valuating everything in his life in terms of Marco Scutaro.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  20. canuckassassin says:

    The antagonist is fantasy guru Enus Sorris who demands copious payments of wine in exchange for even the most trivial of “hot tips”. In this dystopian world, fantasy baseball advice is currency, and Enus is the only banker in town.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  21. DowntownChico says:

    Picking up Darwin Barney in week one.

    And actually telling myself: “I got this. It’s in the bag.”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  22. Sarge says:

    The setting has to be mostly in front of a computer, with that g-chat dinging sound going off a bunch. Watching stat-tracker as the key to your season: Mike Moustakas, just popped up AGAIN. Gianclarlo Stanton driven 180 degree mood swings leading to angry, drunk emails about roster construction habits, carrying too many starting pitchers, etc. Purchasing baseball tickets to see AJ Burnett pitch, only to see him leave in the 4th inning clutching his tricep.

    Man, I need a drink.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  23. rdj3video says:

    So a guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of Domonic Brown instead of a bottle of the establishment’s finest Dexter Fowler.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  24. JRM says:

    Zed: My fantasy team sucks more than yours.

    Jay: Yes, it does. Also, your appearance is worse than mine.

    Zed: That’s a pretty severe insult, I must say.

    Jay: … and you’re a worse person.

    Zed: Why?

    Jay: Your fantasy team sucks more than mine.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  25. rdj3video says:

    So then the guy’s insurance saleman friend walks into the same bar bragging about covering his assets in a 12 team, 12 keepers league that counts SVs and Holds as separate categories where he protected Jason Motte. “Just had to take Mitchell Boggs in Round 16, I should be good no matter what happens with the Cardinals’ pen.”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  26. Bronnt says:

    “I have always relied on the kindness of Saunders.”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  27. MikeP says:

    Building My Infield, a Tragedy in 3 Acts:

    Act 1, The First Round: “I can’t believe Jose Reyes is still available, everyone must be scared of his injury history.”

    Act 2, The Middle Rounds: “I can’t believe Derek Jeter is still available, everyone must be scared of his injury history.”

    Act 3, The End Game: “I can’t believe Brian Roberts is still available, everyone must be scared of his injury history.”

    Epilogue: Andino, Ryan and Tejada “Anchor” the Lineup.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  28. Aaron says:

    “Reyes 26th overall? In a league with R, OBP, and SB categories? THIS IS MY YEAR!”

    “Alright, round five. Time to guarantee myself a top-notch year in relief. Jason Motte, let’s do this thing!”

    “All the good catchers are going! STAY CALM. Just stick to your plan, and pick up Alex Avila toward the end. Really, how bad could he be?”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  29. Joe says:

    I am using Plan Z and winning with style.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  30. Danial says:

    I streamed Rick Porcello AND Phil Humber on the same day last week. Porcello = 9 ER in 1 inning of work and Humber – 8.

    Vote -1 Vote +1