“My Fantasy Team Sucks More Than Your Fantasy Team” — Act One, Scene One

Merriam Theatre

Last week, I invited suggestions for a fantasy-baseball themed play we’re all going to write together.

After reading through the comments, I’ve decided this will be more fun as a musical. The start of the opening song is below. Your comments will help decide what happens next, as well as future song ideas/titles. Curtain up.

INT. CARSON’S CISTULLI’S BASEMENT -- EVENING

A long table. A white board filled with names. Twelve tired, hungry, angry men and women dressed in baseball jerseys, fighting with their laptop computers. We’ve reached the last round of the draft. Some of our twelve are happy, but most aren’t. And even the ones that are happy probably shouldn’t be. The spotlight drifts around the stage, catching each of them as they decide their final picks.

PLAYER ONE

I’ve got a middle infield

Of Reyes, Brian Roberts, and Jeter

I’ve got all the faith Brian’s been healed

So really nothing much could be sweeter

Than Reyes, Brian Roberts, and Jeter

And, sure, Jeter’s out for a month

But we all know he’s a quick healer

And, sure, Roberts hasn’t played in a while

But healthy he is still a big stealer

And snagging Reyes couldn’t be idealer

I also used a pick on Zack Wheeler

PLAYER TWO

Aaron Hicks, Aaron Hicks

I hope he sticks

At the top of round six

I took Aaron Hicks

PLAYER THREE

It’s gonna be a big year

For AL MVP Mike Moustakas

Showing us this spring that his time’s here

He’s learning how to take his walk’as

Hitting homers to make people gawk’as

It’s very hard to rhyme with Moustakas

PLAYER FOUR

Adam Dunn, Adam Dunn

He’s so much fun

You say he’s done?

Not Adam Dunn, Adam Dunn

ALL FOUR OF THEM

I go into the season with so much hope

And after a week, I feel like a dope

When my players wind up on the DL

I damn them to hell

I scream and I yell

I just want to sell

I feel like a schmuck

But at least I ended up with a better catcher than John Buck




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Urban Shocker
Guest
Urban Shocker
3 years 1 month ago

Maracas.

Marty
Guest
Marty
3 years 1 month ago

Slow clap.

Adrock
Guest
Adrock
3 years 1 month ago

Where is the Pujols that I once knew?
Slugging Josh Hamilton’s away.
Why did I buy so many Angels?
They can’t play!

Sunrise, sunset…

MikeP
Guest
MikeP
3 years 1 month ago

This truly brings tears to my eyes. And not tears of joy, either.

Sports Enthusiast
Guest
Sports Enthusiast
3 years 1 month ago

This team of Yankees really, really sucks
Not the one on the field, but the one I paid big bucks
I’d love to drop half this team but I’m convinced they’ll all come back
And make up for half a year of giving me jack

Wade8813
Guest
Wade8813
3 years 1 month ago

At one point, one of my fantasy teams (and the real life Braves) had Freddie Freeman, Brandon Beachy, Johnny Venters, Brian McCann all on the DL. Then Freeman came off, just in time for Heyward to go on.

Z
Guest
Z
3 years 29 days ago

How true. Plus, if you play enough seasons, you’re bound to get one team that is an absolute bust. I had mine back in 2008 in a highly competitive league. If anyone remembers how Victor Martinez, Konerko, Smoltz, Hill, and Buchholz did that season… well, they know how my team did too. While WAR doesn’t tell the whole story, it shows the trend. The 25 guys I drafted had a total WAR of 55 (2006), 56 (2007), and 35 (2008). Which actually understates the horribleness of the team, since it considers Buchholz based on his FIP (4.2) rather than his ERA (6.8) and includes a +21 UZR defensive season by Randy Winn, in a league with no defensive stats. However, big props to Randy Winn for his amazing defensive season.

As they say… there’s always next year.

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