The Story Behind George Brett’s Hand-Picked 5-Pack


Buried at the bottom of a Kansas City Star article mostly about Mike Moustakas and how he actually wasn’t temporarily kidnapped by aliens who replaced him with someone who looks similar but does not know how to play baseball is this tidbit of news:

Royals announce new ticket plan

The Royals announced a new ticket plan Wednesday, the Brett Friday 5-Pack.

The plan costs $55 and includes five games hand-picked by the former Royals’ Hall of Fame third baseman — May 10 against the Yankees, June 7 against the Astros, July 5 against the A’s, Aug. 23 against the Nationals and Sept. 20 against the Rangers.

[emphasis added]

I’m confused about this hand-picked-ness. Did they literally give George Brett the schedule and tell him to choose the 5 most awesome games of the year? Because, if they did, I’m not sure why that random Friday night game against the Astros in June is on the list.

TICKET OFFICE GUY: “Hey, George, thanks for stopping by. We’d like you to pick 5 games for this new ticket pack. The 5 games you, as a Hall of Fame baseball player, really think are going to be special this year.”

BRETT: “That’s kind of a silly question, ticket office guy. Without even knowing who’s pitching, or whether the Royals are going to be contending… it’s kind of hard.”

TICKET OFFICE GUY: “Come on, just give it a try.”

BRETT: “Well, there’s a series against the Tigers right after the All-Star Break. The Tigers are supposed to win the division, right? So that might be an important matchup. Even better, a September weekend series against the Tigers — if we’re still in the race, those games are going to be crucial. I’d say those 3 games against the Tigers in early September, and maybe a game from the Red Sox series in August, since they’re off to a hot start. And we’ve got the Cardinals on a random Monday and Tuesday at the end of May. It’s always fun to have that intra-state rivalry, right? That was the whole argument behind interleague play? So, there’s my 5. Can I get my parking validated?”

TICKET OFFICE GUY: “Yeah, yeah, I’ll stamp your ticket. You sure those are the best 5 games? I mean, we’ve already sold a bunch of tickets to those. And we’re hoping to use your seal of approval to move some seats to some, uh, less-desirable matchups. Like this exhibition game we’re playing against the Beer Vendors Softball League next Wednesday morning at 5:45. You think you can make that one of your picks?”

BRETT: “I don’t know. That game doesn’t sound that awesome.”

TICKET OFFICE GUY: “I understand. I know what you mean, George. And it’s all up to you. This is your ticket pack. Yours and yours alone. So how about we compromise and say some random Friday night game against the Astros. How does that sound?”

BRETT: “It’s fine, whatever. Go for it. Do whatever you want. Can I get a new hat?”

TICKET OFFICE GUY: “Yeah, sure. You can take 2 hats. Just don’t tell my boss. Thanks for all the help on this. These games are gonna be the best. Or the worst. I have no idea. George Brett ticket pack. I can hear it all making sense already. No one’s ever going to be confused about this idea at all.”

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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The Rajah
The Rajah

Will there be poop stains on your George Brett Hand Picked 5-Pack?


Need link to the Notgraphs article with video of Brett telling everyone when he shat himself…