Name That Team! Yep, Here’s Your Chance

Vanna For Real

In my brief time here at NotGraphs – a time marked, incidentally, by writer unrest, failed coups d’editeur and overwhelming displays of Cistullian force – I have noticed a pair of salient things, “salient” being an old Latin word for “an old Latin word that slots directly before the American word ‘things.’” One is that humor writing, or, perhaps more accurately, alleged humor writing, is not nearly as fun as it seems, in part because The Paul Reiser Show took most of the good jokes but also because La Garde Cistullian – honestly, that’s what it’s called: The Cistullian Guard – allows us just one bathroom break per 18-hour workday and just three squares of an off-brand Slovenian toilet paper made primarily from corn husks and insect parts.

The other is that if a NotGraphs writer wants to elicit a bunch of comments from the Esteemed Commentariat, that writer, being of sound-ish mind and soiled body, should (A) reference Engelbert Humperdinck, or (B) beseech the Commentariat (while appealing to its famed esteem) to rename big-league ballparks. By the way, and apropos of nothing, I hereby suggest that instead of calling it “Tropicana Field,” we call it the Engelbert Humperdome.

What do you think?!

But I digress, digression being the primary symptom of rectal pain.

As a commenter with much esteem but little knowledge of Comedy Joke Sweatshops, you might not know that we “amusement proles” and “hilarity plebes” derive a disproportionate satisfaction from reader comments. The reason, if you must know, is that Seigneur Cistulli, may Dieu his gold refine, rewards us not with American dollars nor even with French ticklers but, instead, with coupons redeemable “for one free hug, or at least one physical gesture that is compatible with the key provisions of the Geneva Accords.”

And so it is that I, being of sound-ish mind and sore arse, do introduce yet another comment-roundup scheme, one that I’m calling Name That Team!

First, some background: You might realize that to a first approximation, 100 percent of Major League Baseball teams are already fixed for names. The Rangers are the “Rangers.” Chicago has its White Sox, and also its Cubs. It’s true that the names are now so familiar that we rarely question them, unless we are tethered to Slovenian computers and intermittently poked with bayonets, and yet in a moment of sheer curiosity one might wonder, especially if one is not a historian and does not have access to non-Slovene Wikipedia, why certain teams have the names they do.

Why, for example, are the Reds the “Reds”? One might suspect that no matter the threats to its bottom line, the original ownership remained sympathetic to notions of a classless and stateless social order structured on common ownership of the means of production. (It’s amazing how I did that without Wikipedia, right?) But it’s just as possible that management foresaw the rise of blue-eyed soul by naming its team the “Simply Reds,” later removing the “Simply” due to licensing issues.

And sure, some of the other names make sense. The Rockies have indeed endured a history that might be likened to a path of stone, and the original Dodgers did consist of idealistic pacifists who had fled to Canada. It’s also true that the first Diamondbacks were comprised of jilted fiancés who had demanded the prompt return of their engagement rings. Then there’s the Tampa Bay team, named for fan faves LaMontagne and Wylie Hubbard, and the Minnesota team, whose ownership is apparently fond of Full House.

But what about the Athletics? That’s not even a noun!

And the Padres? That’s not even English!

And what the heck is a Met, in either its singular or plural form? If it’s what I think it is, why not call them the New York Make The Acquaintance Ofs?

While we’re at it, why not rename every team?

So here’s your chance. Name a team, any team. Name it anything you want.

Don’t just reapply the monikers to which the teams are sadly accustomed, names like the Lastros or Disastros on the one side and the Evil Empire on the other. Instead, come up with something fresh, a name inspired by the singular characteristics of the franchise or drawn from nothing more than the inexplicable place that gave us Blink-182 and Matchbox 20, to say nothing of Agoraphobic Nosebleed and Nothing Heavier Than A Car On My Head.

OK? I’ll start, and quickly, given that I’ve got the foreleg of a desert locust pressed painfully against my sphincter. I will begin, as ever, with my own home team. And so I give you – wait for it – the Texas Pullover Sweaters.

Why the Pullover Sweaters? Well, they’re the Sweaters because they sweat, and they sweat because their stadium feels like Dante’s Worst Circle of Hell, i.e., an open-air tandoori house in the middle of the Iraqi desert, and the Pullovers because they often get stopped before reaching their destination.

Now it’s your turn, Commentariat of the Aforementioned Esteem.

(Seriously, I beg of you. The coupon I’ve just received contains a legally binding typo: “Good For One Free Huguenot.” As you know, the Huguenots were – I repeat: were – French citizens whose systematic ouster is precisely the sort of “obscure historical reference” that Seigneur Cistulli, may Dieu his bounties increase, likes to make while apportioning our jots of gruel.)



Print This Post

John, who has also written under the pseudonym "Azure Texan," writes for both The Hardball Times and NotGraphs.


Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Soup is Back
Guest
Soup is Back

Bean Eaters?

Whoops
Guest
Whoops

Red Caps. That’s it!

tz
Guest
tz

As a Red Sox fan, I heartily endorse “Blankety Blanks”.

For too long, this was the common epithet for the hated Yankees, while my Sox were just the lovable losers of No-No Nanette fame. I revel in my team now being the despicable, big-money, overhyped club that everyone is sick of, because with it comes winning. As in, 3 WS titles in a decade type winning.

And beating those NY @#$%!s to the official “Blankety Blanks” name only makes this sweeter.

novaether
Member
novaether

Philadelphia Fogies

Adrock
Guest
Adrock

The Toronto Fellated Leno and Z.

triple-A city
Guest
triple-A city

The Tampa Bay Carpetbaggers! The Miami Cuban Giants! The Houston Hilarity Plebes!

balfazzar
Member
Member
balfazzar

Tampa Bay Perpetual Motion

Urban Shocker
Guest
Urban Shocker

Young Master Paschal,
This is a bit verbose. I fear that you might soon post a graph.
Please find us some bat flips. Please.
Yours,
U.S.

scatterbrian
Guest
scatterbrian

Boston needs to get a little hipper with their choice of attire. Seriously, who uses sox (sic) as a fashion statement these days?

I propose:
1. Boston Skinny Jeans
2. Boston Beard Combs
3. Boston Ironic T-Shirts
4. Boston American Apparel
5. Boston Now That It’s a Sports Team’s Mascot It’s Mainstream and No Longer Cools

triple-A city
Guest
triple-A city

Haha. The Boston Exhaustively-Maintained Indifference.

frivoflava29
Member
frivoflava29

The Boston Gomes’ Tattoos

Yirmiyahu
Member

The New York Mets are hereby renamed the Brooklyn Dodgers.

Robert Hombre
Member
Robert Hombre

The Houston AABCEHKs. Pronounced the Houston Fibbonacis.

tz
Guest
tz

*AABCEHMUs

Yoopka
Member
Yoopka

The Toronto Blue Jays are now the Toronto .500s

A eskpert
Guest
A eskpert

The Toronto .500s are now the Toronto Injury prones.

whatthebus
Guest
whatthebus

Hmm, what’s the best known aspect of Wisconsin? There’s really nowhere to go from a team already called the Brewers. But, we could always take the Baseketball route and simplify that to the Milwaukee Beers.

Michael
Guest
Michael

100% Real Wisconsin Cheese

jim
Guest
jim

I know Wisconsin for having strange, marginally pronounceable old-world european names for everything. Like Wisconsin. And Milwaukee. I don’t think those are actually European, but they perform the same function of having at least 9 letters, no English cognate, and mean nothing to most people other than “that place that exists somewhere”.

Therefore, I propose something like the Milwaukee Weisenbergertomaseviczes

Alice Cooper
Guest
Alice Cooper

In fact, isn’t “Milwaukee” an Indian name?

Yes, Jim, it is. Actually, it’s pronounced “mill-e-wah-que” which is Algonquin for “the good land.”

Steven
Guest
Steven

It’s Red Sox. I know this is Notgraphs so I can’t expect much baseball knowledge, but c’mon guys. This was supposed to be easy.

Fightmaster
Guest
Fightmaster

If Hitler won

Boston Fabrikarbeiters
New York Bauarbeiter
Aneheim Geldverschwendung

Frank
Guest
Frank

Don’t you mean the Los Angeles Geldverschwendungs of Anaheim?

Fightmaster
Guest
Fightmaster

Ball spielen!

Matt
Guest
Matt

Youtube has failed me. But Jello Biafra has already had something to say on this topic: http://www.plyrics.com/lyrics/jellobiafra/mascotmania.html

matlock
Guest
matlock

damn you Reiser! I damn you to hell!

MikeS
Guest
MikeS

The Chicago “We’ve Won the World Series in the Last Hundred Yearses.”

samuelraphael
Guest

Boston Molasses Disasters

Birdlander
Guest
Birdlander

The Baltimore Omar Comins

Dang
Guest
Dang

Atlanta little toasters

Whose fans often cheer on their team with the late night food network reruns

samuelraphael
Guest

The Miami Disdain Machine

baycommuter
Guest
baycommuter

Washington Curly W’s

Oaktown Ghost Riders

LA La-Z-Boyz-2-Men

Caldwell
Guest

Puget sound is home to impressively large mollusks, so either the Seattle Geoducks or Seattle Octopuses. Either lends itself to an awesome mascot.

Norm
Guest
Norm

Miami Misanthropes!

DistUrban Legend
Guest
DistUrban Legend

Washington v3.0’s

Bill
Guest
Bill

Perhaps names based on how their respective owners amassed their fortunes? The Minnesota Foreclosures, The New York Faustian Bargains, The Baltimore Pension Robbers, The Kansas City Lowest Common Denominators, The Pittsburgh Obsolete Media, The Seattle Super Mario Brothers, The Washington Massive Government Expansions.

jim
Guest
jim

9 dudes in t-shirts vs. 9 other dudes in t-shirts

Also: the Miami why are we here again? I thought we were going to the zoo

Mike Green
Guest
Mike Green

Detroit Gross Points
New York Drag Queens
Toronto Promising New Markets
Boston Fig Newtons
Chicago Ciceros
Philadelphia Over Chestnut Hills
Pittsburgh Picking Plums
Seattle There’s a Bed Waiting for You in Bellevues
Cleveland Chagrin Falls on those who Waits
Minnesota Garden of Eden Prairies

Jenstrom
Guest
Jenstrom

The Boston Loud & Insanes
The New York Rats
The Miami Cocaine
The Cincinnatti Churcheys
The Los Angeles Starfuckers
The Seattle Downpour
The Colarado John Denvers
The Saint Louis Archies
The Kansas City’s Summer as Hot as Two Rats Fucking in a Sock
The New York Out-of-it-by-June’s
The Philadelphia Non-Analytics
The Washington Filibusters
The Cleveland Lake Effect Snows
The Chicago Centaurs
The Houston Strippers

Zach Reynolds
Member

It’s true that we NotGraphers are plagued by all things Slovenian.

John Paschal
Guest
John Paschal

Right? You’d think a bunch of semi-bright, marginally employable swashbucklers such as ourselves could manage to resist the Slovenian menace.

wpDiscuz