Scientists today were excited to report that, after two years of carefully examining images of the cosmos, they have finally determined what was written in the stars two years ago during the 2011 postseason.
“This is tremendously fortuitous timing, to be able to announce this on the day of Game One of the 2013 World Series” said NASA astronomer Hortimer Dazzlekamp, “The images are stunningly beautiful and incredibly clear in their predictions.”
The messages were provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, which has been in near-continuous operation since 1990 and has provided some of the most stunning images of outer space that humanity has ever seen. “You know, we were so focused on how pretty everything was, it didn’t even occur to us to look for messages in the heavens until we heard Tinie Tempah’s 2011 hit featuring Eric Turner. And it turns out, if you know where to look, the universe is always talking back to us.
Dazzlekamp then unveiled the images, which have been reprinted below:
“Unfortunately, it turns out that the stars are terrible prognosticators,” said Dazzlekamp, “Just worthless. And they’re prone to extreme hyperbole and exclamation point usage. Really, it’s remarkable that the universe is even aware of what’s going on in it, let alone offering commentary, so I suppose we should just be in awe of this great mystery and wonder that it inspires. Still, it’s hard not to be just a little disappointed.”
Dazzlekamp vowed to continue looking for more messages in the stars going forward, adding, “It’d be nice if, in their infinite wisdom, the stars saw fit to read Fangraphs every now and again. Enough about David Eckstein already.”
Below are artists’ conceptions of what the universe may be saying right now about the 2013 series:
“God, the stars really are obnoxious, aren’t they?” said Dazzlekamp, as the press conference began to break up.