New Braves Uniform Imagined Conversation

The Braves have a new weekend home uniform. See if you can follow this:

The initial plan is to wear it for Saturday and Sunday home games.

The Braves’ red jerseys worn for Sunday home games in recent years will be switched to Friday home games…. Traditional white home uniforms will be worn Monday through Thursday.

For road games, grey uniforms will continue to be the Braves’ primary garb, and the team will wear its navy blue alternate road jerseys when the starting pitcher chooses.

Unlike with the navy and red jerseys, the new uniform has matching pants the same color as the jersey. The Braves will wear their regular red-billed cap with the new uniforms.

“As is the case in a lot of clubhouses, if a starting pitcher really strongly feels like he wants to wear those [new uniforms for a non-weekend game], then we’ll have that discussion and if it makes sense, we will,” [Exec VP of sales and marketing] Schiller said. “But the plan is, we’ll definitely be wearing them Saturdays and Sundays.”

I’m finding it hard to imagine what that discussion might look like, and what factors might go into it making or not making sense to wear the new creme-colored uniform instead of, say, the white one.

JAIR JURRJENS: “I know it’s Wednesday, but I’d really like to wear the new creme-colored uniform today. It highlights the color of my eyes.”

DEREK SCHILLER, EXEC VP: “Jair, you know David Ross is catching today, and that new uniform reminds him of a deep childhood trauma involving egg nog.”

JURRJENS: “Oh, yeah, that new color does look like egg nog. I don’t care. David’s tough. He’ll get over it. I feel strongly. I’m trying to impress a new lady friend.”

SCHILLER: “I understand, but former President Jimmy Carter has a ticket for tonight’s game, and he specifically told me he’d be wearing his white jersey shirt. Do you want to make the former President look like he didn’t properly coordinate with the team’s uniform?”

JURRJENS: “I don’t think he’d care.”

SCHILLER: “We need to wear the white uniforms to celebrate National Glue Day.”

JURRJENS: “That’s not really a holiday, Derek.”

SCHILLER: “We forgot to do the laundry.”

JURRJENS: “Oh. Okay.”




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Yirmiyahu
Member
4 years 7 months ago

Why’s it matter if they forgot to do the laundry? I believe that white+sweat = cream.

olethros
Guest
olethros
4 years 7 months ago

Actually, that equation is penetration + sweat. Or lube + sweat.

Yirmiyahu
Member
4 years 7 months ago

That’s awful.

Big Jgke
Member
Big Jgke
4 years 7 months ago

Awfully hilarious.

olethros
Guest
olethros
4 years 7 months ago

Hey, you lead with your chin, you’re gonna get hit.

Kirkwood
Member
Kirkwood
4 years 7 months ago

Heheheh

The Rajah
Guest
The Rajah
4 years 7 months ago

If you see it, then you are doing something wrong. She’s supposed to keep your gift…unless there’s no “she” in that equation.

olethros
Guest
olethros
4 years 7 months ago

The internet, in all its semen-soaked depravity, disagrees.

The Ted, Section 437
Guest
The Ted, Section 437
4 years 7 months ago

They’ll be five degrees cooler than the other team.

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