New Hats For Alex Torres

Alex Torres– who I should have protected on my Scoresheet team!– over the weekend became the first pitcher to wear a padded, protective, giant, silly-looking hat on the mound. Hats off to Torres– or, I guess, hats on to him– for not wanting to get injured by a comebacker. Really, the part of me not trying to wring a NotGraphs post from this is 100% behind the hat, players should absolutely try to avoid being seriously injured by stuff, however clunky the hat looks.

Ah, but the part of me that is trying to wring a NotGraphs post from this thought it would make sense to search the Internet a bit for some alternative hats that Torres might consider wearing his next time on the mound.

Presenting: New Hats for Alex Torres




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Brian
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Right, because the guy trying to prevent a potentially lethal-head injury should be photoshopped into a dress.

I love jokes as much as the next guy, but this is really weak.

bdhudson
Member
Member
bdhudson
2 years 2 months ago

For you, I shall play a tiny violin.

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 2 months ago

Based on the third picture, we should be more concerned about poor Alex regenerating some arms. Tough to pitch without them.

The Next Guy
Guest
The Next Guy
2 years 2 months ago

Liar, I found this hilarious.

IMW
Guest
IMW
2 years 2 months ago

“Really, the part of me not trying to wring a NotGraphs post from this is 100% behind the hat, players should absolutely try to avoid being seriously injured by stuff, however clunky the hat looks.”

resolution
Guest
resolution
2 years 2 months ago

You’re right, lets stop discriminating – those who aren’t trying to prevent a potentially lethal-head injury should also be photoshopped into dresses.

Brandon Warne
Member
Member
2 years 2 months ago

Do you even Notgraphs, bro?

Brian
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

I do! But if you’re going to do something like this, you’ve got to make it funny.

Take the risk, deal with the consequences. Not funny, therefore, tasteless.

frivoflava29
Member
frivoflava29
2 years 2 months ago

I guess you missed Mike Bates’ dick and balls two week ago?

Chico's Bail Bonds
Guest
Chico's Bail Bonds
2 years 2 months ago

I feel like a hat with that much frontage is crying out for real advertising!

That, or spectacularly reimagined team logos.

IMW
Guest
IMW
2 years 2 months ago

You could fit a mini version of the Marlin’s homerun doohickey on there.

Dave (UK)
Guest
Dave (UK)
2 years 2 months ago

Pitchers might have even greater motivation not to go to Miami if it also went off every time they gave up a dinger

Pharrell
Guest
Pharrell
2 years 2 months ago

That is one crazy ass hat!

Steven Biel
Member
Steven Biel
2 years 2 months ago

Jeremy Blachman is a douche-nozzle and Fangraphs should be ashamed of hands down your worst post ever.

Blartman
Guest
Blartman
2 years 2 months ago

So you’re asking for a Kluber Society Cross-Dressing Day?

bdhudson
Member
Member
bdhudson
2 years 2 months ago

For you, a slap of the white glove to your whiny face.

a eskpert
Guest
a eskpert
2 years 2 months ago

What exactly is a Douche-nozzle? A nozzle is something which distributes either a pressurized fluid or a powdered solid. A Douche is either some sort of sexual activity I’m not familiar with, or an abbreviated form of the common pejorative term “Douche Bag” – someone who frequently engages in caddish disregard for the welfare of others. Given that Jeremy Blachman, J.D., is not a referent of the latter category, one must conclude that Mr. Biel A) does not know the meaning of Douche (or nozzle), B) has invented an alternative meaning for one or both of these terms, or three sees Mr. Blachman as some sort of Sex-distributor. Mr. Blachman are you indeed promiscuous? A lecher? Are you the taster-in-chief for Banknotesv Harper?

MrKnowNothing
Guest
MrKnowNothing
2 years 2 months ago

You tried here but you failed. Douche has an actual definition and a nozzle could in fact be affixed.

a eskpert
Guest
a eskpert
2 years 2 months ago

It may have a definition, but I have no desire to learn of it.

Mike Green
Guest
Mike Green
2 years 2 months ago

No Torres four-seamer from under a hard hat? Class bias all the way!

The slider with a goalie helmet would be good too.

Churchill
Guest
Churchill
2 years 2 months ago

Let us emasculate Alex Torres for his choice of safety over vanity. The heights of douchery must be reached.

Barry Bonds
Guest
Barry Bonds
2 years 2 months ago

That hat’s my size!!

DavidJ
Member
DavidJ
2 years 2 months ago
Brad Ausmus
Guest
Brad Ausmus
2 years 2 months ago

Alex Torres should beat his wife and take her hat

Justin Verlander
Guest
Justin Verlander
2 years 2 months ago

I will beat you and take Kate Upton.

TK
Guest
TK
2 years 2 months ago

My problem with this post is that it is lazy, dumb, and not funny. The first two are forgivable but the third is a crime on par with child trafficking.

Grant
Guest
Grant
2 years 2 months ago

Must be a lot of first timers on NotGraphs today, people need to chill the F out.

Steven
Guest
Steven
2 years 2 months ago

Probably one disgruntled idiot who keeps posting under different usernames.

Lloyd Christmas
Guest
Lloyd Christmas
2 years 2 months ago

But what if he shot you in the face?

Beth Jordan
Guest
Beth Jordan
2 years 2 months ago

That was a risk we were willing to take.

TK
Guest
TK
2 years 2 months ago

Now if only we could get hats for bats, you know to keep them warm.

Jamie
Guest
Jamie
2 years 2 months ago

Alex Torres should be applauded for prioritizing the safety of his brain over silly fashion considerations. Also, that hat looks stupid.

The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz
2 years 2 months ago

This is pretty much the proper response. Well done.

Puig's Translator
Guest
Puig's Translator
2 years 2 months ago

I saw this live and could not even believe it. Great Post. It seems to me like there already exists a piece of protective headgear in baseball. It is called a Helmet. Olerud wore one playing IB and he was a bad ass. Also tons of padding on the sides is silly because it looks stupid, and still leaves the entire face and ears vulnerable to being demolished by a come-backer. That is all for now.

Rickey Henderson
Guest
Rickey Henderson
2 years 2 months ago

That’s the name of the guy with that helmet!

BenRevereDoesSteroids
Member
BenRevereDoesSteroids
2 years 2 months ago

You know, there comes a point where a tiny little increase in safety just may not be worth getting your hands on. There have been plenty of people who have had planes crash into their houses, but we don’t build giant titanium gazebos over our homes to prevent this. We wouldn’t even if we could afford it, because it would look really dumb.

This may very well be Alex Torres’ giant titanium gazebo. It looks stupid. It wouldn’t be surprising if all that extra padding on your head is uncomfortable during the summer. If Brandon McCarthy is right, it takes away your peripheral vision. And on top of everything, it only covers a small portion of his head anyways.

Inigo Montoya
Guest
Inigo Montoya
2 years 2 months ago

“plenty” : I don’t this word means what you think it means.

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