New Rules

Dear Leaguemates,

As you all know, our fantasy baseball experience this past season was, well, less than ideal. After the death of two of our owners in separate trade-related incidents, I think it’s time we rethink some of our rules. Obviously adding a new provision prohibiting the killing of fellow league members in trade-related circumstances is a no-brainer, but I think we need to go even further than that. To that end, I’m proposing a series of reforms:

(1) The job of commissioner– as Joe’s devastating illness so vividly taught us– is too big a job for one person. I propose one commissioner for rules, one commissioner for transactions, one commissioner solely in charge of mediating e-mail based disputes, one commissioner responsible for mediating in-person disputes, one commissioner tasked with resolving disputes among the other commissioners, one commissioner overseer, one commissioner who just needs to hold onto the checks and not spend everyone’s money (and it won’t be you, Joe– no matter what your medical insurance premiums cost now), and one commissioner in charge of spelling. For the last time, one of them is Zimmerman, and one of them is Zimmermann. And if anyone screws it up again, you’re going to be the next one dead.

(2) I know we initially allowed the trading of auction dollars in order to help bad teams rebuild the following season. However, as we realized this past year, the auction is a lot less fun when one team has $3,120 and the other 11 teams each have $0. We will be putting a cap on the number of future auction dollars you can trade. We will also be limiting auction dollar trading to the following year’s auction ONLY. I know it’s great that Jessica somehow got Adam to throw in $5 for the 2085 auction, but I think it’s optimistic to expect that we will be able to keep track of the money for so many years into the future. Not to mention, given the rate at which league members are being assassinated, I think it’s highly unlikely the league will still exist when everyone is more than a century old.

(3) Having a mini-auction for every free agent who becomes available on the waiver wire is taking too much time, and the travel costs are becoming burdensome for our out-of-town members. We will consolidate to a maximum of one mini-auction per week, and, starting this season, will allow members to Skype in to these mini-auctions up to three (3) times, so that everyone’s schedules can be better accommodated.

(4) The randomly adjusted in-season salary cap was a good idea, but it’s time to admit that despite the strategic excitement of a salary cap that changes every three days, it became unwieldy to track. Until we get better with Excel, I think we need to shelve this one.

(5) Based on popular demand, we will be adding a Little League tier to the dynasty aspect of the league. So everyone should start scouting as soon as possible.

(6) No more intentional spreading of computer viruses on lineup-setting days.

(7) And, finally, just to put a little more weight behind the no-killing provision– for the first time, we’re going to ban all semi-automatic and assault rifles from the auction.

Your (Interim) Commissioner of Rules

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

5 Responses to “New Rules”

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  1. Eminor3rd says:


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  2. phoenix2042 says:

    this is the funniest thing I have ever read!

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  3. Greg W says:

    This dovetails nicely with the fantasy league commissioner questions from a couple of months ago.

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  4. buddy says:

    I think you meant to say “Joe’s tragic illness”.

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  5. Kris says:

    I caught too much flak – literally – for bringing up the idea of an outright ban on killing during our last league meeting. The solution that we settled on after a prolonged filibuster in the Senate that eventually required the motion to be withdrawn and submitted to the supreme court for judicial review was to invite steven and joseph to join the league. Both self-proclaimed basketball fans, Steven and Joseph are universally hated but they do possess an M.D. and J.D., respectively. While the death rate has remained constant, the kill rate has dropped substantially.

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