New Stat: Clutch Snarl Index Ratio

Tom Powers writes an astute article about the Twins losing a lot of games over the past few years because they have too many players who are psychologically healthy. In his piece, “Twins need fewer smiles, more snarls,” he argues that the Twins have too many nice guys, and not enough angry jerks. A compelling argument, supported by an impressive pile of evidence as large as the world’s largest unicorn, but I think Powers misses one key insight:

It’s not that the Twins don’t have enough snarls, it’s that the snarls aren’t coming in clutch situations. They’re wasting their snarls on two-out, nobody-on situations, or late in the game when it’s already a blowout, or they’re spreading them out instead of stacking them for maximum effect. I know they say that there’s no such thing as a clutch snarler, but, having done at least as much research as Powers, I can stand behind three — no, four — airtight conclusions about the game of baseball and about snarling:

1. A lone snarl is as useless as a walk. You can’t win with one snarl at a time, just like baserunners don’t mean anything unless they arrived at first via a headfirst slide.

2. Your best snarler needs to bat 6th in the lineup. Whoever says lineup order doesn’t matter has his head buried in a pile of meticulously-analyzed records. Batting order counts, and snarls need to come 6th. That’s all there is to it.

3. If a lefty snarls, and then a righty snarls, the two snarls cancel each other out. That’s why you need to have all your snarls come from the same side.

4. If your Clutch Snarl Index Ratio falls below 64, you will not make the playoffs.

That’s right– taking every team in history and running them through my proprietary Clutch Snarl Index Ratio formula (which I cannot reveal due to my upcoming book, Clutch Snarl Index Ratio For Real Dummies, You Dummy), I’ve found that no team has ever reached the playoffs with a Clutch Snarl Index Ratio below 64. It was a shocking insight, especially since the Clutch Snarl Index Ratio operates on a scale that runs between 65 and 147.

Of course, so much more research must be done before I could even think about publishing an article about this in an actual newspaper. They have standards, y’know?



Print This Post

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Grandpa
Guest
Grandpa

How will I find gems such as these without the diligent and committed miners of NotGraphs? #KeepUm

twm
Guest
twm

You know, I went and read that piece by Mr Powers, and that is a shame. This was of course delightful, but f*ck you for the enticing and clickable link.

Princess Celestia
Guest
Princess Celestia

“…as large as the world’s largest unicorn…”

Do you mean me?

For the record, I am not a fan of snarling, but I will do it when absolutely necessary. AND IT WILL BE DAMN CUTE!

Jayson Blair
Guest
Jayson Blair

“Of course, so much more research must be done before I could even think about publishing an article about this in an actual newspaper. They have standards, y’know?”

Hi.

Damaso's Burnt Shirt
Guest
Damaso's Burnt Shirt

It’s as if Mr Powers wants R Lee Emery as a batting coach:

“The clutchiest weapon in baseball is a Twin and his bat. It is your clutch instinct which must be harnessed if you expect to drive in runs. Your bat is only a tool. It is a hard heart that hits in the clutch. If your clutch instincts are not clean and strong you will hesitate at the moment of truth. You will not get hits. You will become an out and then you will be in a world of shit because Twins are not allowed to get out without permission. Do you maggots understand?”

Shrewd Cat
Guest
Shrewd Cat

This is why Arizona are winning their division. Oh.

wpDiscuz