NEWS: Very Pitiful Man Dreams Jay Bruce Actually Not on DL

Boyd claims to feel on the inside how the peasants in this painting look on the outside.

A local resident is in poor condition today after dreaming last night that, instead of being on the 15-day disabled list, Cincinnati outfielder Jay Bruce actually isn’t on the 15-day disabled list.

“It was disturbingly realistic,” said a visibly shaken Warren Boyd, 34, outside of his suburban condominium on Tuesday morning. “I was walking by a display of televisions — like you might see at a Best Buy, for example. They were tuned to the Reds game, and I clearly saw Jay Bruce coming up to bat. And I was surprised, because he’s on my fantasy team, and I’d just removed him that morning from my active roster.”

Boyd went on to say that, after waking up and taking a moment to reflect on the devastating banality of the scenario his brain had concocted, he “sobbed the sort of loud, wailing sobs only a broken, full-grown man can produce.”

“Seriously, I used to have a pretty active interior life. Like I had a dream once in which I went to an Outback Steakhouse with Lionel Richie. And another one in which I spoke really good Armenian somehow. To find that now I’m capable only of reversing minor baseball transactions — to find that’s the extent of my imaginative powers — it’s harrowing. Harrowing, is the word I’ll use.”

When asked if suicide were a possible option to liberate him from the tyranny of his creative impotence, Boyd said he’d considered it, but that, in addition to lacking any sort of discernible ingenuity, he was also a “big-time coward.”

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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.

6 Responses to “NEWS: Very Pitiful Man Dreams Jay Bruce Actually Not on DL”

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  1. Baby Bottle Pop says:

    Carson must be downright giddy at Blackmon and Kluber being neat the top of the WAR charts.

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    • Yirmiyahu says:

      Someone asked Dave Cameron about this in a chat (or comment section?) recently. He said that Cistulli stops caring about his pet guys once people start recognizing that they’re good and/or once they become good.

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