Nickname Seeks Former Player: “A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning”

What we are doing is assigning cool nicknames to players rather than the opposite, which is a bloodless tradition that has been with us too much and too long.

So how does this running feature differ from the dear, departed exemplar of the genre? “Nickname Seeks Player” was devoted to active base-ball-ists, while “Nickname Seeks Former Player” is the province of those who no longer play this fine game because they are dead in spirit and perhaps also dead in the corporeal sense. Boileryard Clarke? Eligible! Sal Maglie? Eligible! Fred Lynn? Eligible! Dontrelle Willis? Eligible! Pete Rose? Asshole!

You may surmise from this that almost the entire sprawl of baseball history lies before you, like a sexy patient etherized upon a table. So prepare yourself to plumb both depths and heights as we ponder fitting candidates for this week’s name to nicked: “A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning”!

Before we proceed, though, let us remember those who have previously survived this crucible of sturdy ghosts. You’ll recall that last time out, Ted Williams laid somewhat extralegal claim to the nickname “Museum of Questionable Medical Devices.” So now let us — snifters in hand, cardigans beswaddling our mortal parts — gaze upon The Fireside Mantel of Reposed Fortune-Hunters:

Museum of Questionable Medical Devices” – Ted Williams

And now … “A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning”!

Implications and Intimations

A few days ago, my four-year-old male spawn accompanied me to put petrol in our shitty van. We had an exchange that went something like this:

“Dad?”
“Yes?”
“Did we just get gas?”
“Yes.”
“Do garbage trucks run on gas?”
“Yes, they do.”
“Dad?”
“Yes?”
“Can garbage trucks run on lightning?”
“Absolutely.”

And here we are. A garbage truck is something frowned upon by people who drink wine and talk about market corrections. But garbage trucks are, if you think about it, both bad-ass and necessary. A garbage truck that runs on harnessed lightning? Exquisite savior to the world.

So we’re thinking of a player disliked by awful people, awesome in secret, powered by vivid fulminations.

Who, citizens of sufficient origins, should be nicknamed “A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning”?




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

65 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Former Player: “A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning””

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  1. Spiggy says:

    Jason Giambi.

    Wait, what? He’s still playing?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Mike says:

    Vote for anyone you want. But the image of a garbage truck running on lightning looks remarkably like Bo Jackson, does it not?

    Bo Jackson: A Garbage Truck That Runs On Lightning.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Stuck in a slump says:

    Roger Maris

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Bob Loblaw says:

    Andy Van Slyke

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. TheHumanH says:

    Matt Stairs, meet your new nickname.

    +9 Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Jimbo69 says:

    Jim Leyritz

    I believe he drives a garbage truck these days. And he certainly drinks white lightning

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Bryan says:

    Pete Incaviglia

    +5 Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. Kramer says:

    Nolan Ryan

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Seabass says:

    Is this Pete Rose? I think it’s Pete Rose. Right?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. Noel says:

    Duke Snider.

    He was bad-ass, necessary and built like a large commercial vehicle.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  11. Johnny Hummusbeard says:

    Relatively unknown and infrequent former thrower of baseballs, Joe Winkelsas, actually worked as a garbage man while rehabbing an arm injury with the Brewers.

    From this article:
    “Winkelsas firmly believes that the constant physical activity related to that job, tipping garbage cans and dragging them through the snow, helped heal the arm injury.”

    But did he run on lightning? Meh. But…Winkelsas.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. scout1222 says:

    David Wells

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. bowie says:

    Kirk Gibson.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  14. Ben says:

    Rich Garces

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  15. olethros says:

    John Kruk, Kent Hrbek, Lenny Dykstra

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  16. Double J says:

    Amos Otis

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  17. Smartypants Pete says:

    John Franco. He pitched with an orange NYC Sanitation Department T-shirt under his Met’s Jersey as a tribute to his father.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  18. Mikey says:

    Russell Branyan.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  19. Mr. Smooth says:

    Dave Parker. I know he’s “The Cobra,” but he can have nicknames in multitudes, because he’s the shit.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  20. Adam says:

    Gary Sheffield

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  21. deadhead says:

    Pascual Perez: because much like a garbage truck, he’ll take whatever you got and put it in him! Usually via his nose. His motto was that everything was meant to be enjoyed by snorting it. You like your cat? Well, he’d suggest having it cremated and snorting it’s ashes. You like your new iPhone? He wants to crush it up and line up some rails. Plus, he liked him some white lightning moonshine. The tales of him and Oil Can getting blasted on hooch and Peruvian and discussing the merits of Chaucer and waxing poetically on French existentialism is the stuff of legends. He also brought the Jheri curl like a pro.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  22. Carmine says:

    Albert (don’t call me Joey) Belle

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Chike says:

      Second this. From New York Daily News columnist Bill Madden via Albert’s Wikipedia page:

      “Sorry, there’ll be no words of sympathy here for Albert Belle. He was a surly jerk before he got hurt and now he’s a hurt surly jerk….He was no credit to the game. Belle’s boorish behavior should be remembered by every member of the Baseball Writers’ Association when it comes time to consider him for the Hall of Fame.”

      From Buster Olney:

      “The Indians billed him $10,000 a year for the damage he caused in clubhouses on the road and at home, and tolerated his behavior only because he was an awesome slugger… He slurped coffee constantly and seemed to be on a perpetual caffeinated frenzy.”

      Mr. Belle is a player disliked by awful people.

      He is secretly awesome.

      He is certainly powered by vivid fulminations.

      He is a garbage truck that runs on lightning.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  23. calsgr8 says:

    Henry Rodriguez? OOPS, still playing. Uh Armando Benitez! Same difference!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  24. MikeS says:

    Oscar Gamble
    Dick Allen

    Both controversial figures that many teams couldn’t wait to unload, but good ballplayers.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  25. Justin says:

    Ray King

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  26. Chris says:

    David “stormy” Weathers

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  27. Hugh Briss says:

    Greg Luzinski

    Steve Balboni

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  28. Choo says:

    Prince Fielder. A garbage truck despite the lightning diet. Occasionally accompanied by thunder.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  29. phoenix2042 says:

    Manny Ramirez. Yes.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  30. Melkman says:

    It is soooo Rod Beck, built like a garbage truck, chucks lightning fastballs. Well, either him or …..

    Kenny Powers… but i guess hes already La Flama Blanca

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  31. reillocity says:

    Reggie Jackson. Now can anyone recommend a good book about him?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  32. chiefglockandhummer says:

    i guess dick allen was disqualified somewhere and i didn’t notice, so i’m gonna nominate andruw jones

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  33. henry says:

    i’ll give it to bill buckner just because i feel bad for him. although darryl strawberry is probably the way to go.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  34. deadhead says:

    If not Pascual Perez, although it should be due to his love of junk, I nominate… (dun dun dun)… Cecil Cooper! He arrived at the batter’s box looking like he had just returned from a guest appearance on Sanford and Sons. The guy played for two of the coolest World Series losing teams too. The ’75 Sawx and the motley Brew Crüe from ’82. Cooooooo-p!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  35. Kyle Lobner says:

    Mike Cameron, please.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  36. The Hit Dog says:

    Mo Vaughn. Disliked by many close to him, but was a needed part of lineups in BOS, LAA, and NYM. Cleaned out the Mets for 17 M in 2004. Now renovates junk property and owns trucking company. Plus, resembles a garbage truck to some extant. Stole 30 bases. Fast as mf lightning.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  37. bcarsley22 says:

    Carl Everett

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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