Nickname Seeks Former Player: “A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning”

What we are doing is assigning cool nicknames to players rather than the opposite, which is a bloodless tradition that has been with us too much and too long.

So how does this running feature differ from the dear, departed exemplar of the genre? “Nickname Seeks Player” was devoted to active base-ball-ists, while “Nickname Seeks Former Player” is the province of those who no longer play this fine game because they are dead in spirit and perhaps also dead in the corporeal sense. Boileryard Clarke? Eligible! Sal Maglie? Eligible! Fred Lynn? Eligible! Dontrelle Willis? Eligible! Pete Rose? Asshole!

You may surmise from this that almost the entire sprawl of baseball history lies before you, like a sexy patient etherized upon a table. So prepare yourself to plumb both depths and heights as we ponder fitting candidates for this week’s name to nicked: “A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning”!

Before we proceed, though, let us remember those who have previously survived this crucible of sturdy ghosts. You’ll recall that last time out, Ted Williams laid somewhat extralegal claim to the nickname “Museum of Questionable Medical Devices.” So now let us — snifters in hand, cardigans beswaddling our mortal parts — gaze upon The Fireside Mantel of Reposed Fortune-Hunters:

Museum of Questionable Medical Devices” – Ted Williams

And now … “A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning”!

Implications and Intimations

A few days ago, my four-year-old male spawn accompanied me to put petrol in our shitty van. We had an exchange that went something like this:

“Dad?”
“Yes?”
“Did we just get gas?”
“Yes.”
“Do garbage trucks run on gas?”
“Yes, they do.”
“Dad?”
“Yes?”
“Can garbage trucks run on lightning?”
“Absolutely.”

And here we are. A garbage truck is something frowned upon by people who drink wine and talk about market corrections. But garbage trucks are, if you think about it, both bad-ass and necessary. A garbage truck that runs on harnessed lightning? Exquisite savior to the world.

So we’re thinking of a player disliked by awful people, awesome in secret, powered by vivid fulminations.

Who, citizens of sufficient origins, should be nicknamed “A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning”?




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Spiggy
Guest
Spiggy
3 years 11 months ago

Jason Giambi.

Wait, what? He’s still playing?

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
3 years 11 months ago

Yeah, Livan Hernandez needs to retire before voting begins because godDAMN.

Big Jgke
Member
Big Jgke
3 years 11 months ago

Orlando Hernandez is retired though, right? He fits.

Mike
Guest
Mike
3 years 11 months ago

Vote for anyone you want. But the image of a garbage truck running on lightning looks remarkably like Bo Jackson, does it not?

Bo Jackson: A Garbage Truck That Runs On Lightning.

OtherSuccesses
Member
OtherSuccesses
3 years 11 months ago

Bo Jackson is no garbage truck, sir.

Stuck in a slump
Guest
Stuck in a slump
3 years 11 months ago

Roger Maris

Bob Loblaw
Member
Bob Loblaw
3 years 11 months ago

Andy Van Slyke

TheHumanH
Guest
3 years 11 months ago

Matt Stairs, meet your new nickname.

TheGrandSlamwich
Guest
TheGrandSlamwich
3 years 11 months ago

Seconded

steex
Member
steex
3 years 11 months ago

Thirded. The unquestionable every man who was unquestionably awesome.

Herb Tarlek
Guest
3 years 11 months ago

I was going to nominate Jason Kendall, but I stand corrected. Matt Stairs is the correct answer.

samuelraphael
Member
3 years 11 months ago

Matt Stairs is Matt Stairs.

Just like Livan Hernandez is Livan Hernandez.

samuelraphael
Member
3 years 11 months ago

Let us not forget the formidable John Jaha

OtherSuccesses
Member
OtherSuccesses
3 years 11 months ago

God, yes!

Jimbo69
Guest
Jimbo69
3 years 11 months ago

Jim Leyritz

I believe he drives a garbage truck these days. And he certainly drinks white lightning

samuelraphael
Member
3 years 11 months ago

My nickname for Jim Leyritz was always Baton-Twirler.

On account of all the batspin.

Bryan
Guest
3 years 11 months ago

Pete Incaviglia

Kramer
Guest
Kramer
3 years 11 months ago

Nolan Ryan

rambodiaz
Guest
3 years 11 months ago

Steve Garvey

Seabass
Guest
Seabass
3 years 11 months ago

Is this Pete Rose? I think it’s Pete Rose. Right?

Noel
Guest
Noel
3 years 11 months ago

Duke Snider.

He was bad-ass, necessary and built like a large commercial vehicle.

Zach Reynolds
Member
3 years 11 months ago

Relatively unknown and infrequent former thrower of baseballs, Joe Winkelsas, actually worked as a garbage man while rehabbing an arm injury with the Brewers.

From this article:
“Winkelsas firmly believes that the constant physical activity related to that job, tipping garbage cans and dragging them through the snow, helped heal the arm injury.”

But did he run on lightning? Meh. But…Winkelsas.

dockmarm
Guest
3 years 11 months ago

Rod Beck

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
3 years 11 months ago

ah, there it is.

scout1222
Guest
scout1222
3 years 11 months ago

David Wells

Sixto L.
Guest
Sixto L.
3 years 11 months ago

yes!

bowie
Member
bowie
3 years 11 months ago

Kirk Gibson.

Ben
Member
Ben
3 years 11 months ago

Rich Garces

samuelraphael
Member
3 years 11 months ago

He’ll have a hard time winning anything that isn’t El Guapo, but I agree, minus the lightning.

He was just straight up garbage truck.

olethros
Guest
olethros
3 years 11 months ago

John Kruk, Kent Hrbek, Lenny Dykstra

Mikey
Guest
Mikey
3 years 11 months ago

You just really like the letter K.

olethros
Guest
olethros
3 years 11 months ago

Or the letter K likes barrel chested oafs.

Røark
Guest
Røark
3 years 11 months ago

Dykstra might have been a garbage truck, but he wasn’t hated, and he ran on dip, blow, and fraudulent activities.

Double J
Guest
Double J
3 years 11 months ago

Amos Otis

Smartypants Pete
Guest
Smartypants Pete
3 years 11 months ago

John Franco. He pitched with an orange NYC Sanitation Department T-shirt under his Met’s Jersey as a tribute to his father.

Mikey
Guest
Mikey
3 years 11 months ago

Russell Branyan.

Mr. Smooth
Guest
Mr. Smooth
3 years 11 months ago

Dave Parker. I know he’s “The Cobra,” but he can have nicknames in multitudes, because he’s the shit.

Adam
Guest
Adam
3 years 11 months ago

Gary Sheffield

deadhead
Member
deadhead
3 years 11 months ago

Pascual Perez: because much like a garbage truck, he’ll take whatever you got and put it in him! Usually via his nose. His motto was that everything was meant to be enjoyed by snorting it. You like your cat? Well, he’d suggest having it cremated and snorting it’s ashes. You like your new iPhone? He wants to crush it up and line up some rails. Plus, he liked him some white lightning moonshine. The tales of him and Oil Can getting blasted on hooch and Peruvian and discussing the merits of Chaucer and waxing poetically on French existentialism is the stuff of legends. He also brought the Jheri curl like a pro.

Carmine
Guest
Carmine
3 years 11 months ago

Albert (don’t call me Joey) Belle

Chike
Member
Chike
3 years 11 months ago

Second this. From New York Daily News columnist Bill Madden via Albert’s Wikipedia page:

“Sorry, there’ll be no words of sympathy here for Albert Belle. He was a surly jerk before he got hurt and now he’s a hurt surly jerk….He was no credit to the game. Belle’s boorish behavior should be remembered by every member of the Baseball Writers’ Association when it comes time to consider him for the Hall of Fame.”

From Buster Olney:

“The Indians billed him $10,000 a year for the damage he caused in clubhouses on the road and at home, and tolerated his behavior only because he was an awesome slugger… He slurped coffee constantly and seemed to be on a perpetual caffeinated frenzy.”

Mr. Belle is a player disliked by awful people.

He is secretly awesome.

He is certainly powered by vivid fulminations.

He is a garbage truck that runs on lightning.

calsgr8
Guest
calsgr8
3 years 11 months ago

Henry Rodriguez? OOPS, still playing. Uh Armando Benitez! Same difference!

MikeS
Guest
MikeS
3 years 11 months ago

Oscar Gamble
Dick Allen

Both controversial figures that many teams couldn’t wait to unload, but good ballplayers.

Justin
Guest
Justin
3 years 11 months ago

Ray King

samuelraphael
Member
3 years 11 months ago

Already is Ray “Burger” King

Chris
Guest
Chris
3 years 11 months ago

David “stormy” Weathers

C-SAW88
Guest
C-SAW88
3 years 11 months ago

He also looks like a garbage man, or someone who hangs around garbage frequently.

Hugh Briss
Guest
Hugh Briss
3 years 11 months ago

Greg Luzinski

Steve Balboni

Choo
Member
3 years 11 months ago

Prince Fielder. A garbage truck despite the lightning diet. Occasionally accompanied by thunder.

Choo
Member
3 years 11 months ago

Ah, but Prince isn’t a former ball player. Shame on me and damn these rules.

phoenix2042
Guest
phoenix2042
3 years 11 months ago

Manny Ramirez. Yes.

Erik Archer
Guest
3 years 11 months ago

Kevin Mitchell

Choo
Member
3 years 11 months ago

I like it.

Melkman
Guest
Melkman
3 years 11 months ago

It is soooo Rod Beck, built like a garbage truck, chucks lightning fastballs. Well, either him or …..

Kenny Powers… but i guess hes already La Flama Blanca

reillocity
Guest
reillocity
3 years 11 months ago

Reggie Jackson. Now can anyone recommend a good book about him?

chiefglockandhummer
Member
chiefglockandhummer
3 years 11 months ago

i guess dick allen was disqualified somewhere and i didn’t notice, so i’m gonna nominate andruw jones

chiefglockandhummer
Member
chiefglockandhummer
3 years 11 months ago

oh yeah, current player. right.

henry
Guest
henry
3 years 11 months ago

i’ll give it to bill buckner just because i feel bad for him. although darryl strawberry is probably the way to go.

henry
Guest
henry
3 years 11 months ago

redsox fans are bad people though.

samuelraphael
Member
3 years 11 months ago

Carlos Baerga.

deadhead
Member
deadhead
3 years 11 months ago

If not Pascual Perez, although it should be due to his love of junk, I nominate… (dun dun dun)… Cecil Cooper! He arrived at the batter’s box looking like he had just returned from a guest appearance on Sanford and Sons. The guy played for two of the coolest World Series losing teams too. The ’75 Sawx and the motley Brew Crüe from ’82. Cooooooo-p!

Kyle Lobner
Guest
3 years 11 months ago

Mike Cameron, please.

The Hit Dog
Guest
The Hit Dog
3 years 11 months ago

Mo Vaughn. Disliked by many close to him, but was a needed part of lineups in BOS, LAA, and NYM. Cleaned out the Mets for 17 M in 2004. Now renovates junk property and owns trucking company. Plus, resembles a garbage truck to some extant. Stole 30 bases. Fast as mf lightning.

bcarsley22
Member
bcarsley22
3 years 11 months ago

Carl Everett

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