Nickname Seeks Former Player: “Actual, Literal Brick Sh*thouse”

What we are doing is assigning cool nicknames to players rather than the opposite, which is a bloodless tradition that has been with us too much and too long.

So how does this running feature differ from the dear, departed exemplar of the genre? “Nickname Seeks Player” was devoted to active base-ball-ists, while “Nickname Seeks Former Player” is the province of those who no longer play this fine game because they are dead in spirit and perhaps also dead in the corporeal sense. Boileryard Clarke? Eligible! Sal Maglie? Eligible! Fred Lynn? Eligible! Dontrelle Willis? Eligible! Dave Parker? For the ladies!

You may surmise from this that almost the entire sprawl of baseball history lies before you, like a sexy patient etherized upon a table. So prepare yourself to plumb both depths and heights as we ponder fitting candidates for this week’s name to nicked: “Actual, Literal Brick Shithouse”!

Before we proceed, though, let us remember those who have previously survived this crucible of sturdy ghosts. Last time out, Carl Everett talked his drinking buddies into crucifying him to the front door of a brothel and thus claimed the nickname “Man vs. Bible.” So now let us — snifters in hand, cardigans beswaddling our mortal parts — gaze upon The Fireside Mantel of Reposed Fortune-Hunters:

Museum of Questionable Medical Devices” – Ted Williams
A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning” – Matt Stairs
Colonel Sanders’s Drinking Buddy” – Charlie Manuel
America’s Step-Dad” – John Olerud
Man vs. Bible” – Carl Everett

And now … “Actual, Literal Brick Shithouse”!

Implications and Intimations

Internet Hot Links teach us that the phrase “like a brick shithouse” was, understandably enough, originally concocted to indicate a lady of pleasing physicality. Time and tide, however, have altered the phrase to mean a gentleman of sturdy build, capable of beating up a nation. It is this latter connotation that informs this particular exercise.

The former player, then, should not only be built like a brick shithouse, but should also be actually be, in the most literal of senses, a stink lodge constructed of bricks and mortar and-or impregnable concrete structure filled with big shit. Here’s a helpful artist’s rendering:

So who, citizens of sufficient origins, should be nicknamed “Actual, Literal Brick Shithouse”?




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Eric G.
Guest
Eric G.
3 years 9 months ago

Oh jeez it’s Jason Bay let’s just move on

dbake005
Member
dbake005
3 years 9 months ago

Mo Vaughn.

Roll Fizzlebeef
Guest
Roll Fizzlebeef
3 years 9 months ago

Dmitri Young. Easily.

bob
Guest
bob
3 years 9 months ago

Has to be Jose Canseco right?

BSLJeffLong
Member
3 years 9 months ago

Albert Belle. That is all.

NatsFan73
Member
NatsFan73
3 years 9 months ago

Gabe Kapler. A fitness model who stinks (stank? stunk?) at baseball. This contest is over.

The Only Nolan
Guest
The Only Nolan
3 years 9 months ago

Ted Kluszewski

samuelraphael
Member
3 years 9 months ago

Ray King

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
3 years 9 months ago

Naw, man, he’s built more like a bouncy castle.

samuelraphael
Member
3 years 9 months ago

I focused more on the shit than the bricks.

David G. Temple
Editor
Member
3 years 9 months ago

Reggie Jackson

Justin
Guest
3 years 9 months ago

How could anyone who’s seen 1. early 90’s baseball and 2. Baseball Tonight circa 2010’s not associate John Kruk with this?

BSLJeffLong
Member
3 years 9 months ago

I rescind my proposal of Albert Belle and endorse this.

Jack
Guest
Jack
3 years 9 months ago

Yeah this seems about right.

olethros
Guest
olethros
3 years 9 months ago

John fucking Kruk, who once, while idly puffing a cigarette during pre-game warmups, told a lady fan that “I’m not an athlete, I’m a baseball player.”

olethros
Guest
olethros
3 years 9 months ago

Looks like Justin had the same thought at the same time. So let it be written.

MikeS
Guest
MikeS
3 years 9 months ago

Vincent Edward “Bo” Jackson.

I shook his hand once and my whole body hurt for a week.

samuelraphael
Member
3 years 9 months ago

Seconded.

Clark D
Guest
Clark D
3 years 9 months ago

Elijah Dukes

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
3 years 9 months ago

An excellent nomination.

Smooth
Guest
Smooth
3 years 9 months ago

The artist’s rendering with the Cardinals hat looks like Mark McGwire, so I’m going to nominate… Mark McGwire.

dockmarm
Guest
3 years 9 months ago

Reaching back for Boog Powell.

radicalhenri
Member
radicalhenri
3 years 9 months ago

damn, i was going to say mark mcguire, i can’t really think of anyone better. maybe goose gossage. since he didn’t win colonel sanders, i think he’s still eligible

Big Jgke
Member
Big Jgke
3 years 9 months ago

El Guapo?

yeah yep
Guest
yeah yep
3 years 9 months ago

Walter Young.

6’5″ 322 at his peak. 38+ BMI.

It’s a done deal.

Choo
Member
3 years 9 months ago

Holy craphouse! I forgot about Walter Young. Googled some pics . . . looks like he ate Mo Vaughn for a snack.

Jack
Guest
Jack
3 years 9 months ago

Howabout David Wells. Fits the bill perty well.

Karl
Guest
Karl
3 years 9 months ago

Wily Mo Pena

Career Strikeouts > (Walks + Hits)

deadhead
Member
deadhead
3 years 9 months ago

Rob Deer

deadhead
Member
deadhead
3 years 9 months ago

Or can we use ellipses for Deer? Actual… shit…

Adam W
Guest
Adam W
3 years 9 months ago

My initial thought was Boog Powell, but Calvin Pickering also comes to mind…

Zach Reynolds
Member
Dave Barker
Member
3 years 9 months ago

I nominate Frank Howard, aka The Capitol Punisher. Check out this link from a familiar name:
http://www.platoonadvantage.com/2010-articles/february/the-manly-awesomeness-of-frank-howard.html

Eminor3rd
Member
Eminor3rd
3 years 9 months ago
Eminor3rd
Member
Eminor3rd
3 years 9 months ago

Also, Ron Kittle!

Luke
Guest
Luke
3 years 9 months ago

Seriously people? The Big Hurt. No one has ever been built more like a brick shithouse than Frank “me and my deltoids could crush you like a zit” Thomas

Ben
Guest
Ben
3 years 9 months ago

Cecil Fielder

JoeyO
Guest
JoeyO
3 years 9 months ago

One guy instantly popped into my head:

Despite being just 5 foot 10, “Nails” got his name for being one of the hardest playing and toughest guys to ever step on the field. He was not only a muscle-bound “brickhouse” in post-juice physical appearance though, but also in mind – routinely ending up on peoples “dumbest players ever” lists. And I think it only helps his case further that he now literally spends his time in the good ol brick Big House for bankruptcy fraud and grand-theft-auto.

“Actual, Literal, Brick Shithouse” just sums up Dykstra so well in so many ways in my mind

nubillybaroo
Guest
nubillybaroo
3 years 9 months ago

Ty Cobb – he actually shat in one too 100 years ago

Elijah Dukes

Ray Knight

Joba Chamberlain – he’s retired now, amiright?

Norm Charlton

Rob Dibble

Gary Sheffield

Tony Clifton
Guest
3 years 9 months ago

Gary Sheffield is the first name to pop into my mind.

RA Rowe
Guest
RA Rowe
3 years 9 months ago

Rube Waddell, aaand dismount.

Aaron55
Guest
Aaron55
3 years 9 months ago

Brian Giles

DD
Guest
DD
3 years 9 months ago

George Brett, for obvious reasons

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