Nickname Seeks Former Player: “I Denouce This Man”

What we are doing is assigning cool nicknames to players rather than the opposite, which is a bloodless tradition that has been with us too much and too long.

So how does this running feature differ from the dear, departed exemplar of the genre? “Nickname Seeks Player” was devoted to active base-ball-ists, while “Nickname Seeks Former Player” is the province of those who no longer play this fine game because they are dead in spirit and perhaps also dead in the corporeal sense. Boileryard Clarke? Eligible! Sal Maglie? Eligible! Fred Lynn? Eligible! Dontrelle Willis? Eligible! Dave Parker? For the ladies!

You may surmise from this that almost the entire sprawl of baseball history lies before you, like a sexy patient etherized upon a table. So prepare yourself to plumb both depths and heights as we ponder fitting candidates for this week’s name to nicked: “I Denounce This Man”!

Before we proceed, though, let us remember those who have previously survived this crucible of sturdy ghosts. Last time out, John Kruk somehow confused everyone with a broth of flatulence and then somehow won the voting for “Actual, Literal Brick Shithouse.” That’s really fucking stupid and betrays an en-masse misunderstanding of the criteria, but I’ll let it stand, I suppose. Don’t ever let me down like this again. I suppose, though, the blame lies with me, since I green-lighted his coconuts nomination in the first place.

I denounce John Kruk.

So now let us — snifters in hand, cardigans beswaddling our mortal parts — gaze upon The Fireside Mantel of Reposed Fortune-Hunters:

Museum of Questionable Medical Devices” – Ted Williams
A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning” – Matt Stairs
Colonel Sanders’s Drinking Buddy” – Charlie Manuel
America’s Step-Dad” – John Olerud
Man vs. Bible” – Carl Everett
Actual, Literal Brick Shithouse” – John Kruk

And now … “I Denounce This Man”!

Implications and Intimations

Quite simply, this is a FORMER player you detest at a visceral level. It can be for reasons defensible and right-wise (“The man was a racist menace to all he surveyed!”), or it can be because of some trifling affront of which he is not even aware (“His stooopid lips are stooopid!”). It matters not. He can even be deceased, since the dead should absolutely be subjected to the contempt of the living.

You denounce this man because he is worthy of denunciation or because he is an awful match for your neuroses. Either is a damnable sort.

So who, citizens of sufficient origins, should be nicknamed “I Denounce This Man”?




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


59 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Former Player: “I Denouce This Man””

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  1. Steve says:

    Chuck Knoblauch

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  2. Ken Arneson says:

    First name that popped in my head: Ty Cobb.

    Second name that popped in my head: Troy Neel.

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  3. Toasty says:

    Gary Sheffield.

    Or maybe Albert Belle? But I love Albert Belle. If he becomes the new Indians manager it will be the best thing.

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  4. Uncle Remus says:

    Pete Rose
    Jose Canseco
    Ozzie Smith

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  5. Kyle says:

    I denounce Curt Schilling so hard.

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  6. Bluebird in Boulder says:

    Ricky Henderson is particularly detestable.
    John Rocker has a pretty strong case too.
    Given that I have to listen to him every freaking Blue Jays broadcast… I will say Buck Martinez.

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  7. diegosanchez says:

    Milton Bradley

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  8. Noel says:

    John Rocker
    Curt Schilling
    Carlton Fisk

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    • Mr. Observant says:

      Total agreement. For God’s sake, the man hit Halle Berry. He gave up martial coitis rights with Halle Berry. And he was a Brave, Yankee and Indian. It’s over, folks. Here’s your winner.

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  9. AnthonyRizzo_jackass says:

    Matt Walbeck

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  10. Christian says:

    Larry Wayne Jones.

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  11. Smooth says:

    Mark McGwire, and my unassailable argument is thus: Fuck that guy!

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  12. olethros says:

    It would appear that the colloquial usage of the phrase “brick shithouse” in my area is different from that of the rest of the world – I understood it to be a big fat sack of lard and feces. Several online dictionaries have disabused me of this notion. As such, I retroactively withdraw my nomination of John Kruk and encourage a reopening of the polls.

    I denounce Jeff Kent. Anyone who could be on a team with Bonds and still get a rep as an asshole must be an amazing asshole indeed.

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    • The Rajah says:

      I watched an episode of Survivor hoping that my fantasy baseball mancrush was a cool dude but found out Kent was just as slimy as Bonds. Yes, he is an asshole.

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  13. Chris Cwik says:

    Has to be Ty Cobb…c’mon.

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  14. Jack says:

    Cap Anson. Because he was everything that Ty Cobb was except worse at baseball.

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  15. nelson saint says:

    steve trout.

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  16. MikeS says:

    All excellent but…

    Jose Canseco.

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  17. scout1222 says:

    Seconding Jose Canseco. First name that came to mind.

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  18. The Rajah says:

    Gotta go with John Rocker. Someone this screwed up who readily admits to using PEDs definitely needs to be denounced.

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  19. Guy says:

    jOHN rOCKER

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  20. War2d2 says:

    Tommy Herr.

    Or, as I have been wont to call him, Tommy Fucking Herr.

    Though now that I see it in print, it looks like the play-by-play of a late night, drug-addled carnal escapade that undoubtedly played out time and again in the Howard Johnson’s by the Hwy 40 interchange; the heady odor of early-’80s Drakkar Noir mingling with that of Aquanet , and the sweat and stink of jorts worn too long, and too hard. His leathern hands caressing her thighs, pink and dimpled like soft hams. He still wore the earless batting helmet.

    My hatred for Mr. T. F. Herr, as all great hatreds do, stems from my childhood. In the summer of 1985 I was 9 years old, a newly-minted Cubs fan. The future seemed to stretch out before me, as endless as the horizon. I saw a future of National League Champions, World Series Champions. I knew nothing of frailty, or the innate inequity of life. Until Tommy Fucking Herr.

    He looked like a two-pack-a-day foreman, a gross distillation of basest human inclination. He didn’t look like an athlete; he didn’t have the grace and technical proficiency of Sandberg, the power and physicality of Durham, the imposing, monolithic stature of Davis or Sutcliffe. He didn’t have the ambling, dead-eyed absolute cool of Lee Smith. He didn’t look like a ballplayer. He looked like he smelled.

    He wasn’t stocky, but he looked unhealthy. He didn’t wear batting gloves in the box, and he didn’t have the stance of a pro. He had the batting stance of a beer league first baseman; he had the batting stance of your drunken uncle Mitch. He stood with arms out, waving his bat around, tufts of his orange-blonde curls spilling out from under the souvenir cap like errant body hair around a too-small speedo.

    I learned, without being taught, that evil walked the earth. Evil, in the form of the St. Louis Cardinals. In the form of Terry Pendelton, Ozzie Smith, Bob Forsch, Jack Clark. And Tommy Fucking Herr.

    I cheered, that autumn, when Herr and his filthy lot fell to the Royals. The Royals’ uniforms were pristine, the white of their jerseys phosphorescent in the glow of the postseason cameras. But even I knew. I knew it wasn’t the Royals, it wasn’t Brett and Saberhagen, who won. It wasn’t that good triumphed. It was human frailty, in the form of Don Denkinger, that had won the day.

    The Royals won a stolen victory. And the filthy, syphilitic lot from St. Louis trashed the clubhouse, because they could, because they were. But I knew, and the Royals fans knew, the truth.

    Still, he haunts my dreams. His putty colored face. His evilly sour squint. The tiny, pointed, piglike ears.

    I denounce you, Tommy Herr. For stealing the purity of my youth.

    +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • olethros says:

      As a nine year old Cardinals fan in 1985, whose earliest baseball memory is the ’82 Series, I say to thee “ha!”

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  21. TheGrandSlamwich says:

    Lenny Dykstra seems like a prime candidate for this one.

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  22. deadhead says:

    Tom Mastny

    I denounce him because it seems like his first name should be Ned. Ned Mastny has quite a ring to it.

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  23. Clark D says:

    Elijah Dukes

    I tried to nominate him for “Actual, Literal Brick Shithouse”, but this name works just about as well for him.

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    • Well-Beered Englishman says:

      Elijah Dukes was my first thought, but then I realized that I pity him more than anything, and would be more likely to imperiously wave him out of my sight than denounce him.

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  24. Youthful Enthusiast says:

    John Rocker

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  25. Choo says:

    Mike Aldrete. Sort of like how clowns are scary but you could never kill one because that would require getting close.

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  26. Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

    Roger Clemens. Because he was the first name that came up when I typed in “most denounced main in baseball” into Google and because he most assuredly is retired.

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  27. Gerald says:

    Tony Conigliaro

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  28. yeah says:

    Matt Bush
    John Rocker
    Roger clemens
    Jeff Kent
    Ty Cobb
    Brian Giles

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  29. Dainer's Hubris says:

    I actually liked him for my team, but this is Ugueth Urtain Urbina. With that moustache, that brow, those coal black eyes, he is ideally suited to AND capable only of denunciation. Then there’s the machete and gasoline incident.

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  30. Double J says:

    Rose and Cobb were the easy ones, then I thought of Chad Curtis and Scott Brosius.

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  31. The K-Man says:

    Lonnie Smith:
    Potentially cost the Braves the ’91 Series, and I can’t trust a successful base stealer with an ass that large. Doesn’t add up.

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  32. joe mientus says:

    No Barry Bonds?

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  33. mike_vivs says:

    I passionately denounce William Roger “The Rocket” Clemens, it would be a waste to go through the countless misdeeds this man acted out over his involvement with the game of baseball. It doesn’t help that he frequently presents himself as an arrogant douchebag. I’d fight him…and win

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  34. Mrs. Cistulli says:

    Hey Perry,

    How come you haven’t posted about how big your tiny boner is for Mike Trout? Or about how Miggy couldn’t get you a hard ball hard on by winning the MVP? Don’t you feel shame for not throwing your jimmy hat into that ring? Sure, your posts like this that already half written to begin with are great. But inquiring minds want to know.

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  35. spencer_711 says:

    John Rocker, Carl Everett, Luke Scott

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  36. Eminor3rd says:

    How about John Kruk?

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  37. david manel says:

    I suggest that we shelve this nickname and reopen nominations once Luke “Obama does not represent America” Scott retires.

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  38. BurleighGrimes says:

    Vince Coleman.

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    • BurleighGrimes says:

      Seriously, how am I the only person to mention Coleman so far? The man threw a firecracker at fans, which injured a bunch of them–including an infant! He also claimed not to know or care who Jackie Robinson is! I denounce this man!!

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  39. joe mientus says:

    Jackie Robinson

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