Nickname Seeks Former Player: “Man vs. Bible”

What we are doing is assigning cool nicknames to players rather than the opposite, which is a bloodless tradition that has been with us too much and too long.

So how does this running feature differ from the dear, departed exemplar of the genre? “Nickname Seeks Player” was devoted to active base-ball-ists, while “Nickname Seeks Former Player” is the province of those who no longer play this fine game because they are dead in spirit and perhaps also dead in the corporeal sense. Boileryard Clarke? Eligible! Sal Maglie? Eligible! Fred Lynn? Eligible! Dontrelle Willis? Eligible! Pete Rose? Asshole!

You may surmise from this that almost the entire sprawl of baseball history lies before you, like a sexy patient etherized upon a table. So prepare yourself to plumb both depths and heights as we ponder fitting candidates for this week’s name to nicked: “Man vs. Bible”!

Before we proceed, though, let us remember those who have previously survived this crucible of sturdy ghosts. Last time out, John Olerud did a better job of raising another man’s children than did Steve Garvey or Ty Cobb and thus claimed the nickname “America’s Step-Dad.” So now let us — snifters in hand, cardigans beswaddling our mortal parts — gaze upon The Fireside Mantel of Reposed Fortune-Hunters:

Museum of Questionable Medical Devices” – Ted Williams
A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning” – Matt Stairs
Colonel Sanders’s Drinking Buddy” – Charlie Manuel
America’s Step-Dad” – John Olerud

And now … “Man vs. Bible”!

Implications and Intimations

He is a tortured sort. He wants badly to please the Judeo-Christian godhead, but doing so is at cross purposes with his blackened nature. Normally, he would yield to his wicked appetites, but the Good Book — and the Jeff Huson-led tent revivals he attends — wrench his guts. So sometimes he gives in and then weeps in the pews. Other times, he resists and then weeps at the scent of corn liquor or the promise of gonorrhea.

He is Man vs. Bible. And don’t you know that he is losing the fight?

Who, citizens of sufficient origins, should be nicknamed “Man vs. Bible”?

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46 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Former Player: “Man vs. Bible””

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  1. Sociology Degreer says:

    Milton Bradley.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Kramer says:

    Nyjer Morgan

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. This makes me want to watch Man vs. Food.
    (“Man vs. Food” can be Ray King.)

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Kyle says:

    Carl Everett.

    “God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex.”

    +15 Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Double J says:

    Billy Martin: The man wore a cross on his cap but anyone ever get into to more fights w/ is own players. teammates, umpires or marshmellow salesmen?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Cockroach says:

    Mark McGwire – outspoken Christian athlete turned steroids poster boy.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. WIMBLE23 says:

    John Rocker, the superior being of NYC.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. therood says:

    John Cusack Buck Weaver

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  9. Eric says:

    Were this nickname seeks player rather than former player, it would most certainly have to be Josh Hamilton. For this, award, however, I second Mark McGwire.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. jonm says:

    Chad Curtis — hater of Jeterian nightlife, fondler of young girls

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  11. Mark N says:

    Luis Castillo

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. DD says:

    C’mon NotGraphers – Dick Allen!!!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. Eminor3rd says:

    George Brett. A man filled to the brim with “positive anger”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  14. Chris W says:

    Otis Nixon

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  15. deadhead says:

    I nominate former Athletic and Yankee, Luis Polonia. He was arrested for fornicating with a 15 year old (girl). He was weak in the flesh. But this nubile, young vixen did give me a hand job during a showing of Tim Burton’s Batman. So, I feel compelled to defend her honor by nominating this nickname to her transgressor. And to the person who taped a glossy, Fleer traded series rookie card of Polonia to the young woman’s locker – that was wrong.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  16. Bowie Kuhn lurking says:

    Darrell Porter

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  17. Mr. Smooth says:

    Tim McCarver because it’s hilarious. Also because he’s possessed by the Devil.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  18. Mac says:

    Gary Sheffield is apparently a born-again Christian.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  19. Erik Archer says:

    Hello? Dwight Gooden!!!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  20. yeah yep says:

    Reggie Jackson

    “The straw that stirs the primordial soup.”

    Mr. October, or, named after that month in which the firmament of baseball is made.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  21. Jack says:

    Ty Cobb
    He’s probably the only baseball player to actually spike Jesus.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  22. RA Rowe says:

    Yogi Berra. An invaluable reference for life’s many situations. I would certainly consult him first.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  23. Hugh Briss says:

    Denny McLain.

    “When you can do it out there between the white lines, you can live any way you want.”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  24. bbguns says:

    Sherman “fucking” Obando

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  25. Røark says:

    Kirby Puckett.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  26. mike_vivs says:

    Jeff Weaver

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  27. nu?! bully baroooooo says:

    George Orta

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  28. Steve Jeltz says:

    Serious vote: Billy Sunday. Silly vote: Dale Murphy, but you’d have to allow space for the Book of Mormon.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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