Nickname Seeks Former Player: “Man vs. Bible”

What we are doing is assigning cool nicknames to players rather than the opposite, which is a bloodless tradition that has been with us too much and too long.

So how does this running feature differ from the dear, departed exemplar of the genre? “Nickname Seeks Player” was devoted to active base-ball-ists, while “Nickname Seeks Former Player” is the province of those who no longer play this fine game because they are dead in spirit and perhaps also dead in the corporeal sense. Boileryard Clarke? Eligible! Sal Maglie? Eligible! Fred Lynn? Eligible! Dontrelle Willis? Eligible! Pete Rose? Asshole!

You may surmise from this that almost the entire sprawl of baseball history lies before you, like a sexy patient etherized upon a table. So prepare yourself to plumb both depths and heights as we ponder fitting candidates for this week’s name to nicked: “Man vs. Bible”!

Before we proceed, though, let us remember those who have previously survived this crucible of sturdy ghosts. Last time out, John Olerud did a better job of raising another man’s children than did Steve Garvey or Ty Cobb and thus claimed the nickname “America’s Step-Dad.” So now let us — snifters in hand, cardigans beswaddling our mortal parts — gaze upon The Fireside Mantel of Reposed Fortune-Hunters:

Museum of Questionable Medical Devices” – Ted Williams
A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning” – Matt Stairs
Colonel Sanders’s Drinking Buddy” – Charlie Manuel
America’s Step-Dad” – John Olerud

And now … “Man vs. Bible”!

Implications and Intimations

He is a tortured sort. He wants badly to please the Judeo-Christian godhead, but doing so is at cross purposes with his blackened nature. Normally, he would yield to his wicked appetites, but the Good Book — and the Jeff Huson-led tent revivals he attends — wrench his guts. So sometimes he gives in and then weeps in the pews. Other times, he resists and then weeps at the scent of corn liquor or the promise of gonorrhea.

He is Man vs. Bible. And don’t you know that he is losing the fight?

Who, citizens of sufficient origins, should be nicknamed “Man vs. Bible”?




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Sociology Degreer
Guest
Sociology Degreer
4 years 13 days ago

Milton Bradley.

samuelraphael
Member
4 years 13 days ago

Steve Howe

Kramer
Guest
Kramer
4 years 13 days ago

Nyjer Morgan

DD
Guest
DD
4 years 12 days ago

And it would easily be Josh Hamilton if using current players.

scout1222
Guest
scout1222
4 years 12 days ago

That was my first thought, then I realized he didn’t qualify. Consarnit!

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
4 years 13 days ago

This makes me want to watch Man vs. Food.
(“Man vs. Food” can be Ray King.)

samuelraphael
Member
4 years 12 days ago

We need to start RayKingGraphs.

Our duties will be comprised of writing one article left handed and then eating.

Kyle
Member
4 years 13 days ago

Carl Everett.

“God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex.”

dockmarm
Guest
4 years 13 days ago

Blast, beat me to it.

Eminor3rd
Member
Eminor3rd
4 years 12 days ago

At Soxtalk.com, we call him Jurassic Carl.

Double J
Guest
Double J
4 years 13 days ago

Billy Martin: The man wore a cross on his cap but anyone ever get into to more fights w/ is own players. teammates, umpires or marshmellow salesmen?

Cockroach
Guest
4 years 13 days ago

Mark McGwire – outspoken Christian athlete turned steroids poster boy.

yeah yep
Guest
yeah yep
4 years 12 days ago

muscular christianity

WIMBLE23
Member
WIMBLE23
4 years 13 days ago

John Rocker, the superior being of NYC.

samuelraphael
Member
4 years 13 days ago

Jim Leyritz

therood
Member
4 years 13 days ago

John Cusack Buck Weaver

Eric
Guest
Eric
4 years 13 days ago

Were this nickname seeks player rather than former player, it would most certainly have to be Josh Hamilton. For this, award, however, I second Mark McGwire.

jonm
Guest
jonm
4 years 13 days ago

Chad Curtis — hater of Jeterian nightlife, fondler of young girls

Mark N
Guest
Mark N
4 years 13 days ago

Luis Castillo

Josh
Guest
Josh
4 years 12 days ago

Seconded

olethros
Guest
olethros
4 years 13 days ago
Chris K
Guest
Chris K
4 years 13 days ago

Second Mantle, particularly in light of his “Favorite Yankee Memory”:

http://www.sportsgrid.com/mlb/mickey-mantles-yankee-stadium-oral-sex/

jonm
Guest
jonm
4 years 13 days ago
Mitchell
Guest
4 years 12 days ago

That clinches my vote!

DD
Guest
DD
4 years 12 days ago

C’mon NotGraphers – Dick Allen!!!

Eminor3rd
Member
Eminor3rd
4 years 12 days ago

George Brett. A man filled to the brim with “positive anger”

Chris W
Guest
Chris W
4 years 12 days ago

Otis Nixon

deadhead
Member
deadhead
4 years 12 days ago

I nominate former Athletic and Yankee, Luis Polonia. He was arrested for fornicating with a 15 year old (girl). He was weak in the flesh. But this nubile, young vixen did give me a hand job during a showing of Tim Burton’s Batman. So, I feel compelled to defend her honor by nominating this nickname to her transgressor. And to the person who taped a glossy, Fleer traded series rookie card of Polonia to the young woman’s locker – that was wrong.

olethros
Guest
olethros
4 years 12 days ago

That was you after crossing swords with Polonia, wasn’t it?

Double J
Guest
Double J
4 years 12 days ago

oops didn’t mean or the minus one. So does hat make you Eskimo Brothers with Polonia?

deadhead
Member
deadhead
4 years 12 days ago

I had to look that up… No. She and I only had sex with each others hands. I don’t know what nationality brothers that makes us. Tonganeese? Slovakian?

Bowie Kuhn lurking
Guest
Bowie Kuhn lurking
4 years 12 days ago

Darrell Porter

Mr. Smooth
Guest
Mr. Smooth
4 years 12 days ago

Tim McCarver because it’s hilarious. Also because he’s possessed by the Devil.

Mac
Guest
Mac
4 years 12 days ago

Gary Sheffield is apparently a born-again Christian.

Erik Archer
Guest
4 years 12 days ago

Hello? Dwight Gooden!!!

yeah yep
Guest
yeah yep
4 years 12 days ago

Reggie Jackson

“The straw that stirs the primordial soup.”

Mr. October, or, named after that month in which the firmament of baseball is made.

Jack
Guest
Jack
4 years 12 days ago

Ty Cobb
He’s probably the only baseball player to actually spike Jesus.

RA Rowe
Guest
RA Rowe
4 years 12 days ago

Yogi Berra. An invaluable reference for life’s many situations. I would certainly consult him first.

Hugh Briss
Guest
Hugh Briss
4 years 12 days ago

Denny McLain.

“When you can do it out there between the white lines, you can live any way you want.”

bbguns
Guest
bbguns
4 years 12 days ago

Sherman “fucking” Obando

Røark
Guest
Røark
4 years 12 days ago

Kirby Puckett.

mike_vivs
Member
mike_vivs
4 years 11 days ago

Jeff Weaver

nu?! bully baroooooo
Guest
nu?! bully baroooooo
4 years 11 days ago

George Orta

Steve Jeltz
Guest
Steve Jeltz
4 years 10 days ago

Serious vote: Billy Sunday. Silly vote: Dale Murphy, but you’d have to allow space for the Book of Mormon.

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