Nickname Seeks Former Player: “Museum of Questionable Medical Devices”

What we are doing is assigning cool nicknames to players rather than the opposite, which is a bloodless tradition that has been with us too much and too long.

So how does this running feature differ from the dear, departed exemplar of the genre? “Nickname Seeks Player” was devoted to active base-ball-ists, while “Nickname Seeks Former Player” is the province of those who no longer play this fine game because they are dead in spirit and perhaps also dead in the corporeal sense. Boileryard Clarke? Eligible! Sal Maglie? Eligible! Fred Lynn? Eligible! Dontrelle Willis? Eligible!

You may surmise from this that almost the entire sprawl of baseball history lies before you, like a sexy patient etherized upon a table. So prepare yourself to plumb both depths and heights as we ponder fitting candidates for this week’s name to nicked: “Museum of Questionable Medical Devices”!

Implications and Intimations

The Museum of Questionable Medical Devices was an actual place in, as you might have already guessed, Minnesota, where love is made without ceasing. That there was ever a real thing called the Museum of Questionable Medical devices is to be celebrated as unceasingly as love is made in Minnesota. But what of the nick ‘o name “Museum of Questionable Medical Devices?

It calls to mind leeches and liquor-as-anesthesia and bone saws. It calls to mind a base-ball-ist who was tough enough to have played despite having an amputation wound field-dressed before continuing to fight on for God and country. Or perhaps he seems the embodiment of something a phrenologist would use to false-cure a desperately ill member of a Western-Ohio temperance league.

With those guidelines foremost in your mind, please do nominate the dead or retired.

So who, citizens of sufficient origins, should be nicknamed “Museum of Questionable Medical Devices”?



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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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BalkingHeads
Member
BalkingHeads

Dock Ellis. Dude threw a no hitter on lsd.

CurtisStarkeyFan4LIFE!!!!!!!
Guest
CurtisStarkeyFan4LIFE!!!!!!!

Gary Gaetti.

Dude threw a no-hitter on LSD

Wu
Guest
Wu

G-Man maybe dreamed of throwing his no-hitter from 3B. You mean Doc Ellis? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vUhSYLRw14

Mikey
Guest
Mikey

Here I was, thinking, “Boy, I bet nobody else is going to come up with Gary Gaetti.” Nope.

Todd
Guest
Todd

Rex Hudler
David Eckstein

CurtisStarkeyFan4LIFE!!!!!!!
Guest
CurtisStarkeyFan4LIFE!!!!!!!

Neither of those guys thew a no hitter on LSD

CaliforniaJag
Guest
CaliforniaJag

Doesn’t fit the description, but first person I thought of when I saw the nickname was Rich Harden.

dp
Member
dp

Darren Daulton’s history of catching on knees wrapped in electric tape and slathered in epoxy, along with his noted affinity for mayhem gives him a strong case. He believed that a combination of tobacco juice, his mullet grease (his mullet grease alone–Kruk’s lacked the proper binding agent), and sunflower seeds, ground in a mortar and pestle in proper proportion and applied as a salve, could cure dropsy and imbue his teammates w/ the pep necessary to survive a grueling schedule of alcohol consumption and baseballing.

dockmarm
Guest
dockmarm

I … was about to suggest Daulton.

samuelraphael
Member

Dr. Bobby Brown

and / or

Tommy John

samuelraphael
Member

Also, Jiggs Parrott

Will
Guest

Nick. Johnson.

Big Jgke
Member
Big Jgke

Pete Reiser. Always hurt, played in an era of questionable surgical fixes.

Nathan
Guest
Nathan

Magglio Ordonez, for having his leg fixed with a little scotch tape and linguine.

Kramer
Guest
Kramer

Moises Alou.

Røark
Guest
Røark

For pissing on his hands?

RA Rowe
Member
RA Rowe

Mark Prior:
enough experience with sports medicine to fill a museum

RA Rowe
Member
RA Rowe

let’s be honest, he is a former player

samuelraphael
Member

It seems to be a fitting tag to affix to a certain Charles Radbourn.

Here is Charles Radbourn with the aforementioned tag affixed:

Charles Radborn Museum of Questionable Medical Devices

RA Rowe
Member
RA Rowe

Doc Gooden:
Doc was his nickname, cocaine his magic poultice.

Yirmiyahu
Member

Gaylord Perry for his use of KY Jelly, Vaseline, nail files, haircare products, and god knows what else to doctor baseballs.

dp
Member
dp

The first thought I had before I thought of Daulton was of Perry, but I thought better of it once I realized that the medicine in question was supposed to be practiced on the self as opposed to others. Though the image of Perry pitching with a mirror on his head seems fitting.

Yirmiyahu
Member

It calls to mind a base-ball-ist who was tough enough to have played despite having an amputation wound field-dressed before continuing to fight on for God and country.

The guy’s an asshole and a swindler, but isn’t this Curt Schilling?

ElJosharino
Member
ElJosharino

Yeah, Schilling was definitely what I thought when I read that part of the description.

Tommy Lasordas Pasta
Member
Tommy Lasordas Pasta

Maybe its cheap and lazy, but how is this NOT Barry Bonds?

MikeS
Guest
MikeS

Because it should be Jose “The Science Project” Canseco.

David
Guest
David

Seriously. When he passes on his engorged cranium should be kept floating in a jar of formaldehyde. It’s a questionable medical device all of it’s own!

Jack
Guest
Jack

Roger Clemens works better, because we actually have some questionable medical devices related to him.

phoenix2042
Guest
phoenix2042

why did “nickname seeks player” original have to end? run out of ideas? i’m sure there a million good ones still out there.

kenshin kawakami
Guest
kenshin kawakami

Mike Hampton. Clearly whatever medical devices were used on him proved useless.

shamus mcfitzy
Guest
shamus mcfitzy

I thought of him because he was a false-cure to the Rockies’ pitching woes

sporkless
Guest

Scott Rolen.

DD
Guest
DD

I don’t think this should just be someone wh owas always hurt, but someone who tried unconventional ways to heal, or played with a wierd brace or helmet or something, like John Olerud.

olethros
Guest
olethros

Tommy John
Jim Abbott
Carl Mays
Clarence Blethen
Mike Matheny
Vince Coleman
Tyler Colvin

Mr. Smooth
Guest
Mr. Smooth

Maybe Pete Rose? Since he’s not in the Hall of Fame, he could just be his own museum (of questionable medical devices). I was going to say Lenny Dykstra, but I think there’s a much more special nickname waiting for him.

Aaron55
Guest
Aaron55

Alex Cole

deadhead
Member
deadhead

Jim Abbott

Dude threw a no hitter on LSD, MDMA, bath salts and N2O. Plus, he stayed hydrated by sipping on Virgin Pina Coladas out of a coconut between innings. Don’t forget, the next morning he initiated the movement to allow marriage between humans and inanimate objects when he went to Haiti and married a slot machine. The slot machine left him penniless… and that’s how slot machines became known as…

Eminor3rd
Member
Eminor3rd

Lenny Dykstra. He seems like a guy to whom the word “questionable” should be attached.

BenH
Guest
BenH

Turk Wendell.

ElJosharino
Member
ElJosharino

Turk Wendell for sure. His leeches, bonesaws, and liquor took the form of leaping over foul lines, black licorice, and slamming down the rosin bag among about a thousand other things.

reillocity
Guest
reillocity

Doc Medich

Røark
Guest
Røark

One of the world’s great institutions is the Museum of Jurassic Technology. Their website was also built on GeoCities: http://www.mjt.org/

Nu? BillyBaroooo
Guest
Nu? BillyBaroooo

Tommy John. “Doc” Gooden.

“Doc” Ellis should be ineligible for his name is forever “psychedelic slamgrass”

jcxy
Guest
jcxy

rube waddell, for most assuredly having beenmisdx’d by early 20th century doctors.

KO
Guest
KO

Roger Clemens. Icy hot on the gonads before every start sounds pretty questionable to me. Oh yeah, and roids

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