Nickname Seeks Former Player: Vote on “A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning”

The nomination process, which was, at heart, a bacchanal of trash and thunderclaps, is complete. Now all that remains is the voting, which will be supervised by the Lidless Eye of Right-Wise Outcomes. You, ballotteer, are tasked with choosing among the chosen. Which of the 10 baseball-ists to follow should forevermore be known as “A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning”?

Vote carefully, citizens, for ward heelers are authorized to slaughter you on whim …

Thank you for exercising the franchise.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


13 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Former Player: Vote on “A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning””

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  1. Eminor3rd says:

    Oh no, I missed the nomination of Karim Garcia!

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  2. Kyle says:

    Albert Belle was a particularly inspired nomination.

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  3. phoenix2042 says:

    Boo, should have been Manny Ramirez! He’s trashy (Manny being Manny), built like a truck, and clearly has lightning in his bat… plus there’s the whole PED thing.

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  4. Yirmiyahu says:

    Someone needs to explain the Matt Stairs thing to me. I get that he’s a pretty underrated player, but beyond that, I’m missing something.

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    • Taxidea says:

      I think his nomination is in no small part due to his appearance as a garbage man. Matt Stairs, professional hitter, could just as well have been the garbage man as a baseballist.

      Of course, I’m beyond such things. He got some brief consideration, but it truly came down to Kevin Mitchell or Albert Belle. I eventually exercised the franchise in favor of Albert Belle due in no small part due to his appearance, in his later years, of a garbage truck.

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  5. Marshall says:

    It’s gotta be David Wells. I mean, he looks just like a dump truck and his nickname is “Boomer.” What goes with lightning? The boom of thunder!

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  6. reillocity says:

    I just had a vision where Dayn kills this “Nickname Seeks Former Player” series and starts a “Former Nickname Seeks Player” series in which we get to decide which current player should be nicknamed “Old Aches and Pains”, “The Lip”, “Catfish”, “Old Tomato Face”, “Oil Can”, etc.

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  7. deadhead says:

    Melido is probably shaking his head in disgust as he watches his brother’s chance at acquiring a cool nickname go down the drain.

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  8. deadhead says:

    As an aside, but does anyone else think that the guy driving that there garbage truck at the top as if it were a bumper car is an American hero? I like to think he’s in a rush to get the teen mom he impregnated to the hospital because her water just broke… right there in the cab as they were smoking moth balls and banana peels out of a Squirt can. What do you think has the heroic garbage man in a rush?

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    • reillocity says:

      I’m thinking that this is the trailer for Speed III in which Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock are forced to drive a garbage truck without stopping to Canada in order to prevent to a dirty nuclear bomb buried within its trash heap from detonating inside the United States.

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  9. Mrs. Cistulli says:

    My heavens, garbage trucks are uncouth. It reminds me that Carson didn’t become a patent lawyer or steel magnate. It harkens back thoughts of common folks eating chicken without a fork and knife! I have never even wanted to think about what happens to rubbish after I’ve had the help remove it from my sight. This “profession” Carson “chose” is vile. Images of trucks filled with waste, I never.

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  10. Mrs. Jonah Keri says:

    I love rubbish trucks (my hubby and and I are from Montreal so we think we’re Europeans and use words like rubbish). He also knows more about the Tampa Bay Rays than anyone. He wants you to stop shamelessly trolling the TB fan base, Mr. Perry – tet toi! A la procheine!

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