The nomination process, which involved deck shoes and uncles holding tumblers, is now complete, and now you may select from the 10 remarried-by-force-of-habit names to follow. Who among these men should be known forevermore as “America’s Step-Dad”?
First, though, let us allow the land-owning NotGraphs commenters and their powdered wigs to justify their chosen nominations …
Hosewalt: “The answer is Kevin McReynolds.”
therood: “I randomly sat next to Tom Brookens at a bar in DTW. I had no idea who he was at first, but I was wearing a White Sox hat and he started talking AL Central with me. He was pretty much the most ordinary baseball guy in the world and a solid alternative to America’s Weekend Dad (Mitch Williams) or America’s Real Dad (Lenny Dykstra).
Additionally, Brookens mentioned that he was at Disco Demolition Night as a rookie and his thought as a young man was ‘If this is what the big leagues are like, this shit could be alright.’”
dp: “Steve Garvey is America’s Stepdad, and its real father as well. ‘You’re not my real Dad!’ ‘Might want to take a look at those hairy forearms and immaculate pearly whites of yours and think hard about how your Mom and I met, sonny.’”
Johnny Hummusbeard: “Knuckleballer Tom Candiotti! From his wikipedia page: ‘Candiotti was inducted into the International Bowling Museum’s Hall of Fame on June 27, 2007.’”
olethros: “Stepdads aren’t gentle tempered, polo shirt bedecked, milquetoasts lazily boning your mom in the missionary position once a week or so. They’re drunken louts prone to unpredictable bursts of physical violence and fervent religiosity. As such, Ty Cobb.”
samuelraphael: “Jim Palmer. Pancakes for breakfast, kids.”
Katie: “John Olerud. Tall, quiet, adept, safety first.”
bob: “Robin Ventura… have you seen his press conferences?”
Dainer’s Hubris: “Rick Monday, Marine Corps reservist, American flag savior, Canadian team in the World Series preventer. Oh, how I resent him.”
agam22: “Kevin Stocker. There is no one more milquetoast than Kevin Stocker.”
Citizens, let us vote while acknowledging that what’s important is that your mother’s finally happy …
Thank you for exercising the franchise.