Nickname Seeks Former Player: Vote on “America’s Step-Dad”

The nomination process, which involved deck shoes and uncles holding tumblers, is now complete, and now you may select from the 10 remarried-by-force-of-habit names to follow. Who among these men should be known forevermore as “America’s Step-Dad”?

First, though, let us allow the land-owning NotGraphs commenters and their powdered wigs to justify their chosen nominations …

Hosewalt: “The answer is Kevin McReynolds.”

therood: “I randomly sat next to Tom Brookens at a bar in DTW. I had no idea who he was at first, but I was wearing a White Sox hat and he started talking AL Central with me. He was pretty much the most ordinary baseball guy in the world and a solid alternative to America’s Weekend Dad (Mitch Williams) or America’s Real Dad (Lenny Dykstra).

Additionally, Brookens mentioned that he was at Disco Demolition Night as a rookie and his thought as a young man was ‘If this is what the big leagues are like, this shit could be alright.'”

dp: “Steve Garvey is America’s Stepdad, and its real father as well. ‘You’re not my real Dad!’ ‘Might want to take a look at those hairy forearms and immaculate pearly whites of yours and think hard about how your Mom and I met, sonny.'”

Johnny Hummusbeard: “Knuckleballer Tom Candiotti! From his wikipedia page: ‘Candiotti was inducted into the International Bowling Museum’s Hall of Fame on June 27, 2007.'”

olethros: “Stepdads aren’t gentle tempered, polo shirt bedecked, milquetoasts lazily boning your mom in the missionary position once a week or so. They’re drunken louts prone to unpredictable bursts of physical violence and fervent religiosity. As such, Ty Cobb.”

samuelraphael: “Jim Palmer. Pancakes for breakfast, kids.”

Katie: “John Olerud. Tall, quiet, adept, safety first.”

bob: “Robin Ventura… have you seen his press conferences?”

Dainer’s Hubris: “Rick Monday, Marine Corps reservist, American flag savior, Canadian team in the World Series preventer. Oh, how I resent him.”

agam22: “Kevin Stocker. There is no one more milquetoast than Kevin Stocker.”

Citizens, let us vote while acknowledging that what’s important is that your mother’s finally happy …

Thank you for exercising the franchise.

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13 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Former Player: Vote on “America’s Step-Dad””

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  1. Kyle says:

    I’ve been swayed, and will be voting for Mr. Olerud. He looks like such a nice man.

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  2. pbs says:

    I protest the exclusion of Kevin Millar, as my wife has a step-dad, and I’ll be damned if he doesn’t remind me of an older Kevin Millar. That being said, Ty Cobb gets my vote.

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    • Mrs. Cistulli says:

      I protest the exclusion of Tug McGraw. The footage of him making out with a nine year old girl on The Baseball Bunch should remind all of us of step-dads everywhere.

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  3. Regardless of outcome, the Tom Brookens story was excellent.

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    • therood says:

      This was prior to his first season as a first-base coach, of which he remarked to the effect of, “I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to do, but I’ll probably figure it out.” He then mentioned that I should heckle him if I get the opportunity.

      Solid guy, that Tom Brookens. And a top-notch mustache that would drive the divorcees crazy.

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  4. Spiggy says:

    Clearly, this gets at the deeper issues of what we think a stepdad is: wallpaper, or older version of the high schools kids who kicked the shit out of you.

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  5. deadhead says:

    As a voter for Kevin McReynolds, I feel shame for supporting him. He’s bringing up the rear. I knew he’d lose. It’s like when I voted for Nader all over again. Just kidding. I rarely vote due to a fog caused by high powered narcotics and sweet, sweet bourbon.

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    • olethros says:

      If your bourbon is sweet, it’s not bourbon. It’s Southern Comfort. Or, if you’re destitute, Rock & Rye.

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      • deadhead says:

        The sweet was more of a general description, as in sweet guitar lick. Or, that’s a sweet ride rather than a flavor adjective describing the burnt oak as if I were a ine conosieur.

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  6. Eminor3rd says:

    Olerud is a great answer, but I’m surprised there isn’t more support for Ventura. Also, Ventura looks a lot like the Dad from Sandlot, right?

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