Nickname Seeks Former Player: “You Shall Die From It Or With It”

What we are doing is assigning cool nicknames to players rather than the opposite, which is a bloodless tradition that has been with us too much and too long.

So how does this running feature differ from the dear, departed exemplar of the genre? “Nickname Seeks Player” was devoted to active base-ball-ists, while “Nickname Seeks Former Player” is the province of those who no longer play this fine game because they are dead in spirit and perhaps also dead in the corporeal sense. Boileryard Clarke? Eligible! Sal Maglie? Eligible! Fred Lynn? Eligible! Dontrelle Willis? Eligible! Dave Parker? For the ladies!

You may surmise from this that almost the entire sprawl of baseball history lies before you, like a sexy patient etherized upon a table. So prepare yourself to plumb both depths and heights as we ponder fitting candidates for this week’s name to nicked: “You Shall Die From It Or With It”!

Before we proceed, though, let us remember those who have previously survived this crucible of sturdy ghosts. Last time out, John Rocker and Curt Schilling tied in the balloting for “I Denounce This Man.” I broke said tie by voting for Rocker because who gives a shit. So John Rocker and his World Net Daily columns shall forever be known as such.

So now let us — snifters in hand, cardigans beswaddling our mortal parts — gaze upon The Fireside Mantel of Reposed Fortune-Hunters:

Museum of Questionable Medical Devices” – Ted Williams
A Garbage Truck That Runs on Lightning” – Matt Stairs
Colonel Sanders’s Drinking Buddy” – Charlie Manuel
America’s Step-Dad” – John Olerud
Man vs. Bible” – Carl Everett
Actual, Literal Brick Shithouse” – John Kruk
I Denounce This Man” – John Rocker

And now … “You Shall Die From It Or With It”!

Implications and Intimations

While driving around the streets of Chicago U.S.A. in my luxury motorcar, I heard a radio interview with a gentleman who helms an association dedicated to the eradication of an awful disease that shall remain nameless. He said of that disease and those it afflicts: “You either die from it or with it.”

This raised a necessary question: Which former ballplayer do you die from or, failing that, die with before you can die from? Please note that this phenomenon — dying from an incurable someone or dying with an incurable someone before that incurable someone can snuff you out — can absolutely be a good thing. “Look at him play baseball. The beauty of it,” you might say. “I want him to be the cause of my extinction.”

Or it can be because he is a baseball disease to which you succumb while in hospice or from which you will be spared only in the event that a thief shoots you in the lungs or I cut you down with my luxury motorcar.

So who, citizens of sufficient origins, should be nicknamed “You Shall Die With It Or From It”?




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Dan Rozenson
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Dan Rozenson
3 years 5 months ago

Ryan Theriot would be the obvious choice for current player. As for former players, I nominate Calvin Schiraldi.

brett butler
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brett butler
3 years 5 months ago

Phil Niekro. Many died at the hands of ol’ Knucksie, and I’m pretty sure many will go to the grave haunted by him.

dbake005
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dbake005
3 years 5 months ago

Bob Wickman

Rags
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Rags
3 years 5 months ago

Roger Clemens on both counts.

Jay
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Jay
3 years 5 months ago

Seems like you need a Three True Outcomes guy for something like this, so let’s put Rob Deer out there.

siggian
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siggian
3 years 5 months ago

This was my thought too.

Don Zimmer's jowl sweat
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Don Zimmer's jowl sweat
3 years 5 months ago

Nolan Ryan. As intimidating as a life-sized cut out of Nolan Ryan, but with a high nineties fastball and a talent for composing the so-called “chin music” in an attempt to wipe you off the face of the earth. You try and snuff him out, and he’ll lock you down into the most ravage head-noogie you have ever had the misfortune of being locked into.

John T.
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John T.
3 years 5 months ago

2nd. The original Texas Toughnut.

chickenlegsinthesky
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chickenlegsinthesky
3 years 5 months ago

Nolan, even as an old fart, scares the bejesus out of me. Did you see him throw out ceremonial first pitches? Still has enough gumption to kick some ass.

TurkeesEleven
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TurkeesEleven
3 years 5 months ago

Pete Rose.

samuelraphael
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3 years 5 months ago

Eric Show

Steve
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Steve
3 years 5 months ago

Mike Piazza

ljc
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ljc
3 years 5 months ago

Manny Ramirez, because (a) he could cause huge problems for opponents with his bat but (b) he could cause huge problems for his own team with his glove and general Manny-ness.

siggian
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siggian
3 years 5 months ago

Another excellent nomination.

ljc
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ljc
3 years 5 months ago

Other suggestions:
Tommy John
Cap Anson (27-year career)
Charlie Hough (long career, many teams)

dp
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dp
3 years 5 months ago

I nominate the venerable Shawon Dunston. Why? Allow me to detail the case.

“Die From It”

-Many a Cub fan, already vulnerable to cardiovascular problems from a lifetime of Al’s Italian sandwiches and various Vienna meat products, met their demise after watching Dunston swing (and make weak contact with) at pitches two feet out of the strike zone, thereby throwing shade upon the few periodic glimmers of hope available to these unemployed, oxygen tank-bound thirty-year old vagabonds (to paraphrase Lee Elia)
-Many an unthinking fan, both of the Cubs and of other base ball clubs, perished when sitting in the general vicinity of first base during Dunston’s career. Dunston’s mighty cannon, while a weapon of lore, was occasionally prone to wayward trajectories. A little-known fact is that a priest was on hand at all Cub home games in the late 1980s to administer the sacrament of Extreme Unction to those unfortunate souls who were on the receiving end of these throws. (Also a little-known fact: Mark Grace’s glove was a three-inch thick bucket made of the finest bulletproof glass)

“Die With It”

-Watching Dunston, whom Bill James dubbed “an eternal rookie” was an experience of singular joy for those base ball fans with macabre tastes. Much like those who now take special care to watch the Jimmy Paredeses of the world awkwardly traipse around a diamond, watching Dunston fire rockets and swing at everything in sight to the sounds of Harry Caray was a moment of sublime beauty.

therood
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3 years 5 months ago

Gus Weyhing

All-time leader in Hit Batsmen by a wide margin (“Die From It”).

Played for 11 different teams, only one of which ever won a pennant (“With It”).

dockmarm
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dockmarm
3 years 5 months ago

Al Oliver, as lionized by Joe Morgan.

Mike Green
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Mike Green
3 years 5 months ago

Ken Caminiti would be tasteless. Mike Hargrove and Luke Appling are taken. How about Billy Martin?

HMS
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HMS
3 years 5 months ago

In this vein, Ray Chapman would be another obvious possibility.

Well-Beered Englishman
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Well-Beered Englishman
3 years 5 months ago

I am almost ashamed that I thought of Cesar Cedeno. I do not wish to nominate him.

Rickie Weeks Incumbent Jheri Curl
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Rickie Weeks Incumbent Jheri Curl
3 years 5 months ago

I would nominate one Brady Kevin Anderson. For one season Mr. Anderson had us all wanting to feel the cool breeze produced from that sweet power stroke and furthermore praying that we might be taken from this earth by the cold embrace of his new found abilities. Unfortunately, as soon as it was here it seemed to leave this world and I believe that a little of all who saw it “died with it” after that season.

HMS
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HMS
3 years 5 months ago

Julio Franco (for raw longevity), Tommy John (for obvious reasons), Juan Castro (for major league GMs’ curious persistence in killing themselves by continuing to give him major league jobs).

DD
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DD
3 years 5 months ago

Mitch Williams, for Phillies fans out there.

AlexandertheMeh
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AlexandertheMeh
3 years 5 months ago

Alex Rodriguez

Mr. Smooth
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Mr. Smooth
3 years 5 months ago

Other Other Randy Johnson.

MikeS
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MikeS
3 years 5 months ago

John Kruk.

Just because he looks like he has some nasty, debilitating disease.

Trader
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Trader
3 years 5 months ago

Seems easy to me; Albert “Joey” Belle

Die With – he was a cancer in the clubhouse. Sure his bat was beast; but with him on your favorite club, you’re most likely in for severe teasing before inevitable heartbreak and its quite likely going to be helped by his distractions.

Case in point #1; Hannah Storm

Case in point #2; see Jason Grimsley & the whole 1994 Batgate incident.

Die From – well, duh… sadly there was a very good chance the mother F*er would kill ya too.

Case in point #1; May 11, 1991, Belle is being heckled by a fan in Anaheim. From left Field he takes a ball and pegs the dude in the chest with it. Suspension follows (which was surprising shorter then you would expect for attempted murder with a ball)

Case in point #2; October 31, 1996, Albert has some tricksters throwing eggs at his door. He proceeds to jump in his SUV and run them down – and not chase, but literately “run” them down. A case follows which leads to an out of court settlement.

In my mind, no other player represents “You Shall Die From It Or With It” like Joey

Trader
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Trader
3 years 5 months ago

Wanted to give two more Case in points for my Albert nomination, plus found a pretty cool website which documents so many more low (and a few high) lights

Die With CiP#3 – “It was a taken in baseball circles that Albert Belle was nuts… The Indians billed him $10,000 a year for the damage he caused in clubhouses on the road and at home, and tolerated his behavior only because he was an awesome slugger… He slurped coffee constantly and seemed to be on a perpetual caffeinated frenzy. Few escaped his wrath: on some days he would destroy the postgame buffet…launching plates into the shower… after one poor at-bat against Boston, he retreated to the visitor’s clubhouse and took a bat to teammate Kenny Lofton’s boombox. Belle preferred to have the clubhouse cold, below 60 degrees, and when one chilly teammate turned up the heat, Belle walked over, turned down the thermostat, and smashed it with his bat. His nickname, thereafter, was “Mr. Freeze.”

Die From CiP#3 – Spring 1987: Albert, playing for LSU, goes into the stands at Mississipi State to chase after a fan who had been yeling racist names at him, calling him “Buckwheat” …He ends up suspended for the College WS and falls to the 2nd round of the draft after this incident

http://www.albertbelle.net/timeline.php

Of all the people on the planet, Joey most deserves this one. Only Milton Bradley comes anywhere close to his “Die From if not With” record. I mean shoot, Belle even tried to take off Fernando Vina’s head once in one of my alltime favorite baseball moments
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0i9aIjLcf-8

mattc
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mattc
3 years 5 months ago

Neifi Perez

Resolution
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Resolution
3 years 5 months ago

Scott Spiezio. No doubt.

The Over-Murdered
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The Over-Murdered
3 years 5 months ago

If Wally “I definitely have” Crancer and Jaime “Mumphs and” Bubela are in poor taste, then I think the logical choice is “Big Poison” Paul Waner. After all, who wants only a “LIttle Poison”?

Dan Rozenson
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Dan Rozenson
3 years 5 months ago

Nice reference to “The Room,” but unfortunately “poison” as applies to the Waner brothers is actually just Brooklynese for “person.” (Soft ‘s’.)

JMS
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JMS
3 years 5 months ago

How about Japanese baseball player and convicted murderer Hiroshi Ogawa?

Valen Dreth
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Valen Dreth
3 years 5 months ago

Dayan “You Shall Die From It Or With It” Viciedo…. rolls right off the tongue

Brett
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Brett
3 years 5 months ago

Always…Mo Vaughn.

Steven
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Steven
3 years 5 months ago

2nd

John
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John
3 years 5 months ago

BOBBY BONILLA is obviously the correct answer.

The Mets are currently dying both from him and with him due to his exceptional deferred salary. To hammer in my point, a limerick:

There once was a guy named Bonilla
Back in 2001, he said, “See ya!”
He split with the Mets,
But still cashes their checks.
What a deal! You’d have to agree, huh?

olethros
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olethros
3 years 5 months ago

Side note: the disease is prostate cancer.

Somebody up there beat me to Ray Chapman, so I’ll go with Miguel Cairo.

olethros
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olethros
3 years 5 months ago

After further thought, Jim Thome seems a better option. Three True Outcomes, no rings.

MustBunique
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Member
3 years 5 months ago

Vern Fear

Steven
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Steven
3 years 5 months ago

This has to be Mo Vaughn. If you’re looking for an original submission, see Ken Griffey Jr.

eckmuhl
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eckmuhl
3 years 5 months ago

This most certainly must be Hal “Prince” Chase.

Quoth he, no doubt with a telling premonition of the exercise now before us:

“You note that I am not in the Hall of Fame. Some of the old-timers said I was one of the greatest fielding first basemen of all time. When I die, movie magnates will make no picture like Pride of the Yankees, which honored that great player, Lou Gehrig. I guess that’s the answer, isn’t it? Gehrig had a good name; one of the best a man could have. I am an outcast, and I haven’t a good name. I’m the loser, just like all gamblers are. I lived to make great plays. What did I gain? Nothing. Everything was lost because I raised hell after hours. I was a wise guy, a know-it-all, I guess.”

G
Member
G
3 years 5 months ago

William Boner.

Swedish Godzilla
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3 years 5 months ago

Ugueth Urbina

Oh, Beepy
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Oh, Beepy
3 years 5 months ago

Milton Bradley.

Del B. Vista
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Del B. Vista
3 years 5 months ago

Old Hoss Radbourn.

He’d been you in the head if you affronted him, and if that didn’t do it there would probably be some form of syphilis transmission at impact anyway.

taft's wild pitch
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taft's wild pitch
3 years 5 months ago

It’s simple for me: daryl strawberry

Dan Gladden
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Dan Gladden
3 years 5 months ago

Is Lastings Milledge done yet? he can’t still be playing, can he?

Clark D
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Clark D
3 years 5 months ago

Mark Prior. He has valiantly tried year-after-year to make a comeback, and therefore I think “You Shall Die From It Or With It” is the perfect description for how Prior views his own MLB career ambitions.

Nevin
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Nevin
3 years 1 month ago

Guys, the answer is *obviously* Micky Mantle, because booze and liver transplant and but I need it.

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