Nickname Seeks Player: “50 Free Quality Sales Leads”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Jamie Moyer narrowly out-napped Jim Thome for the nickname “Opening Day” and celebrated by surveying his lawn from a comfy chair. So Mr. Moyer has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter
Señor Buttcheeks” – Nick Swisher
Opening Day” – Jamie Moyer

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “50 Free Quality Sales Leads”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

During a recent motor-car tour, I heard a radio spot that promised “50 free quality sales leads” if you agreed to have something or other done to you and your cash accounts. Although I was not the least bit tempted by the offer, the prospects that others were ruined almost everything for the several minutes. And here I am.

So your considerations are two-fold: first, he is player who has the mountebank’s essence, which the discerning observer is likely to find both depressing and oily; second, he inspires enthusiasm and loyalty in the kind of fan likely to be roused into action by the promise of 50 free quality sales leads. Gregg Rafalski, for instance. The player himself might also be the sort to get excited about free sales leads.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Steve Garvey and his leather-bound day-planner.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current ballplayer, because he and his adherents need to move product, should be nicknamed “50 Free Quality Sales Leads”?

The convention floor, which is for closers, is open for nominations …




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35 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Player: “50 Free Quality Sales Leads””

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  1. Jason says:

    Were he not already properly nicknamed, I would suggest Derek Jeter and his innate need to move his “product”

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  2. OtherSuccesses says:

    Before you finish, can I interest you in a barely used Logan Morrison?

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  3. Noel says:

    This excellent nickname denotes one who is a self-promoter and salesman. My submission is Jose Reyes.

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    • Well-Beered Englishman says:

      Logan Morrison… Jose Reyes… can we nominate The Entire Miami Marlins Roster?

      Just… The Miami Marlins. If the Miami Marlins organization was a person, it would be a greasy used car dealer in a neon orange 80s suit.

      Yes. The Miami Marlins. All of them.

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  4. Resolution says:

    The New Leads are for closers. I submit Joe Nathan.

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  5. steex says:

    I’m going to think outside the box on this one and nominate Scott Boras. He clearly is trying to get into a team’s pocketbook using any tactics necessary, including those of a snake oil merchant. He would gladly provide 50 free quality sales leads for access to your account.

    If a non-player nomination is deemed unacceptable, I instead nominate Rafael Soriano. He seems like the kind of player for whom you’d be on the fence about opening up your accounts, but might be persuaded by 50 free quality sales leads. Afterward, you might feel remorseful about the financial impact of opening said accounts as well as the discovery that the sales leads weren’t all that great.

    Also, I can only imagine that any person who can manage to be specifically a “fan” of Rafael Soriano is so easily excitable that he would be totally stoked to receive 50 free quality sales leads, bro.

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    • Jack says:

      I was thinking Prince Fielder for his binder, but alas, he already has a name.

      How about Octavio Dotel. He probably will play for 50 more teams.

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      • samuelraphael says:

        I second Dotel, and the 50 Blown Quality Leads.

        And the fact that he’s been around so much he’s actually a chain restaurant of pitchers in every state.

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  6. rambodiaz says:

    Jason Grilli. Behold.

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  7. Isaac says:

    Along the lines of Dotel, my first thought was Brett Wallace. He’s a been a part of so many trades without seeing much playing time which makes him even more of a lead as opposed to an actual sale.

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  8. Is Chris Sale too obvious?

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  9. dragonflyball says:

    Not actually a submission, but I cannot help but be reminded of my favorite personal player nickname — Mike Aviles, Hypnotist of Ladies.

    (It’s because when the Red Sox picked him up, I knew I liked him, but I couldn’t remember why.

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  10. For the vagabond connotation: Edwin Jackson, Vincente Padilla, Brian Fuentes, Jesse Orosco (he’s still pitching somewhere, I’m sure).

    For the false promise implication: Colby Rasmus, Wilson Betimit, Brett Wallace, Luke Hochevar, Dallas McPherson, Brad Fullmer (see Orosco, J).

    For the “sold Scoscia Florida Swamp Land” intimation: Gary Matthews, Jr., Jeff Mathis, Vernon Wells, and, er, Brad Fullmer.

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  11. MikeS says:

    I nominate Jordan Walden who blew 10 saves last year, so he gave out 10 new leads.

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  12. Mr. Smooth says:

    Ubaldo Jimenez. His feud with the Rockies is really depressing. He acts like he’s mad that he didn’t get 50 free quality sales leads before he signed his contract.

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  13. Johnny Hummusbeard says:

    Yoenis Cespedes, for his self-promoting video and spurning of his communist home for our capitalist, salesmanly United States of A.

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  14. Andrew says:

    This has to go to Miami manager Ozzie G.! He’d totally call for his 50 free leads and then call back and curse them out when they turned out to be bad ones.

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  15. Chike says:

    This has to be Daniel Bard.

    Bard walked seven (7) guys in his last start. He’s on pace to walk 50 by the all-star break. When Bard walks a guy, he gives them the full service. You’ll see a little bit of everything in a Bard AB – unhittable sliders, poor location, 96mph fastballs, bouts of wildness, pinpoint control, etc. You never know what you’re gonna see. In that sense, we can say Bard offers hitters ABs of the highest quality.

    By sales lead, we clearly mean a quaint lead off of first base after being walked by Daniel Bard. This one was made for him.

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  16. bob says:

    Bobby Jenks. I’m pretty sure he sells knives out of his car.

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  17. aaronjw says:

    Chris Perez. Be they free leads, three run leads or any other leads he would take them. Plus, with his stubborn refusal to cut his hair he would be forced to work at a phone bank pursuing said leads.

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  18. Michael says:

    Jarrod Saltalamachia, he gives all the runners quality leads

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  19. ettin says:

    For those of you who live in Southern California and followed the Angels last year on Fox Sports West I nominate Howie Kendrick: “Nobody beats Howards! Nobody!”

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  20. nu billy baroooooo says:

    luke hochevar. cause.

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  21. Todd says:

    Derek Jeter fits this description

    but

    I will enter the fray with David Wright or David Ortiz

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  22. orfo says:

    Unabashed self-promoters? What about O-Dog?

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  23. Greg W says:

    A.J. Pierzynski. If only because he sold a hit by pitch to the umpire (that never happened) that immediately preceded the end of a Ricky Romero no hitter.

    I dare you to figure out what that sentence means.

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