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Nickname Seeks Player: “50 Free Quality Sales Leads”

Posted By Dayn Perry On April 18, 2012 @ 11:52 am In Nickname Seeks Player | 35 Comments

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Jamie Moyer narrowly out-napped Jim Thome for the nickname “Opening Day” and celebrated by surveying his lawn from a comfy chair. So Mr. Moyer has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter
Señor Buttcheeks” – Nick Swisher
Opening Day” – Jamie Moyer

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “50 Free Quality Sales Leads”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

During a recent motor-car tour, I heard a radio spot that promised “50 free quality sales leads” if you agreed to have something or other done to you and your cash accounts. Although I was not the least bit tempted by the offer, the prospects that others were ruined almost everything for the several minutes. And here I am.

So your considerations are two-fold: first, he is player who has the mountebank’s essence, which the discerning observer is likely to find both depressing and oily; second, he inspires enthusiasm and loyalty in the kind of fan likely to be roused into action by the promise of 50 free quality sales leads. Gregg Rafalski, for instance. The player himself might also be the sort to get excited about free sales leads.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Steve Garvey and his leather-bound day-planner.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current ballplayer, because he and his adherents need to move product, should be nicknamed “50 Free Quality Sales Leads”?

The convention floor, which is for closers, is open for nominations …

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