Nickname Seeks Player: “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Mark Hamburger, to the disappointment of many, claimed the nickname “Gomez’s Hamburger.” So Mr. Hamburger — and not Malcolm Clapsaddle, whom taste and horse-sense would seem to endorse — has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
Gomez’s Hamburger” – Malcolm Clapsaddle Mark Hamburger

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

This player strikes you, because of his essence, physicality or almost palpable je ne sais quoi, as something plucked from the world of Dungeons & Dragons. Check that: from the world of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. Does he remind you of a paladin or a kobold or a gourd of mead or a half-elf or a broadsword or a gelatinous cube or a stinking-cloud spell or a minotaur or an owlbear or a +3 Amulet of Sexual Persuasion or a cleric with nothing left to lose? Then he’s a possibility.

Careful, though: it’s a world you may not want to leave …

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Felix Jose looked a bit like an orc.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current ballplayer, because he is not of this world and perhaps has a monster’s countenance and aroma and hit points, should be nicknamed “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons”?

The convention floor, which is a dungeon with dragons, is open for nominations …




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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kenshin kawakami
Guest
kenshin kawakami
4 years 7 months ago

Gotta be Halladay

Greg W
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

More like T1000, sci-fi rather than fantasy.

Steven
Guest
Steven
4 years 7 months ago

I cannot think of anything other than the TV show Community (returning March 15th on NBC) when I think of “Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. The plot of the episode was based around a character named “Fat Neil” and his love of the game Dungeons and Dragons. So how many people could actually mirror such things?

Well, how about Neil Walker of the Pirates? In fact, according to the Wall Street Journal in 2010, he still lived with his parents. And what is more synonymous with D&D than STILL living at home (perhaps in the basement) with his Mom & Dad.

Sure that may not be the criteria you asked for, but that’s my nomination.

Andrew
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Andrew
4 years 7 months ago

I clicked this link because I thought it was Community related…and baseball related.

2 of the greatest things ever

Dave Barker
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4 years 7 months ago

Alison Brie has two of the greatest things ever

Kirkwood
Member
Kirkwood
4 years 7 months ago

nyuk nyuk nyuk

George
Guest
George
4 years 7 months ago

R.A. Dickey. He has named his bat Orcrist, has books in his locker and is a Star Wars fan. Dickey appears to be the most likely player to have played D&D at some point in his life.

juan pierres mustache
Guest
juan pierres mustache
4 years 7 months ago

seconded, though if curt schilling was still around i might have had to vote for him

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
4 years 7 months ago

There are too many better potential nicknames for Schilling

TheGrandslamwich
Member
TheGrandslamwich
4 years 7 months ago

Better or more offensive? I’m guessing both.

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
4 years 7 months ago

both, most definitely.

Craig Glaser
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Craig Glaser
4 years 7 months ago

R.A.D&D 4 life.

David
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David
4 years 7 months ago

There are those who draw parallels between D&D in teenagers and Fantasy Baseball in grown men. Can we nominate the FBB playing public for this name? Or perhaps FBB in general?

ElJosharino
Member
ElJosharino
4 years 7 months ago

Or perhaps Otto Neu himself.

HitTheCutoff
Guest
HitTheCutoff
4 years 7 months ago

I’ve never played D&D (Really. My nerdiness takes other forms). But the image I have of some D&D creature in my mind looks an awful lot like Travis Hafner. Plus, he’s nicknamed Pronk, which kind of sounds like the name of some such creature.

TheGrandslamwich
Member
TheGrandslamwich
4 years 7 months ago

Jamie Moyer. Because he needs a nickname and wasn’t Dungeons and Dragons invented in the 30’s? You know, when Moyer was a rookie?

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
4 years 7 months ago

Jamie Moyer’s nickname will ultimately be something like “Eli Wallach’s Grandfather.”

therood
Member
4 years 7 months ago

Eric Sogard.

In terms of historic players, Sam “Modoc” Wise takes the proverbial dragon cake.

mike
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mike
4 years 7 months ago

gotta be Sogard

ettin
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ettin
4 years 7 months ago

I feel well qualified to answer this question with an appropriate answer: Kevin Youklis is an Owlbear!

ettin
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ettin
4 years 7 months ago

Or the Ki-rin, Peter Bourjos.

ettin
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ettin
4 years 7 months ago

Or Roy Halladay as a Mind Flayer….

DD
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DD
4 years 7 months ago

Jamie Carroll. He looks like a goblin. So does John Lannan. Also, David Ortiz looks like a jolly Orc, or maybe Shrek. Vicente Padilla also reminds me of an ogre. Any of these guys I would nominate.

Oliver
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Oliver
4 years 7 months ago

Definitely Casey McGehee.
?w=320

B
Guest
B
4 years 7 months ago

Tim Lincecum looks like a half-elf to me. Plus, he’s always wearing that hood over his head, which makes him look like some kind of magical wizard. Also, he needs a better nickname than “The Freak.” That’s just stupid.

Savard
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Savard
4 years 7 months ago

I’m behind that. Lincecum looks like a character from a fictional world, indeed.

The Ted, Section 437
Guest
The Ted, Section 437
4 years 7 months ago

Calm Like A Bomb
Member
Calm Like A Bomb
4 years 7 months ago

Heath Bell. He’s a pretty big nerd and you know he used to play Dungeons and Dragons. Probably still does…

LBAM
Guest
LBAM
4 years 7 months ago

David Ortiz looks like a Slaad, which is a truly horrifying, powerful D&D monster no adventuring party wants to face. I suppose he already has a nickname, however, and is thus exempt?

An example of a Slaad:

http://tinyurl.com/75cc6b7

Jack
Guest
Jack
4 years 7 months ago

Brian Wilson.
OKay, you’ve gone through 8 innings of elf like creatures (Lincecum). You’ve finally reached the end when a dude with an enormous beard comes out, says some weird stuff, beats you. Also his friend looks like something you’d find as well:

jose
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jose
4 years 7 months ago

Dusty Baker, asshole dungeon master who enjoys ruining the careers of exiting lvl 21 rookies

Mac
Guest
Mac
4 years 7 months ago

I can see already this will be a close one. No-one’s mentioned the short people,
so I give you Dustin Pedroia:

https://encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTuUSBYLK9cT2bnkVa7TLgvyhPXpmi-JUB_Ty_3tt7DaAcVZ1lY

Dude’s definitely half-hobbit. And he’s a hero.

Jackson
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Jackson
4 years 7 months ago

The shortest MLB player right now is Jose Altuve at 5’5”. Or my height in the 5th grade. He could be half hobbit.

Erik Archer
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

Solid selections all around, R.A. Dickey because he’s R.A. Dickey, Vincente Padilla because he’s clearly the smartest guy out there, we could also go Derek Lowe, for posterity.

BronxBomber
Guest
BronxBomber
4 years 7 months ago

R.A. Definitely – he even goes on perilous quests during the off-season.

Greg W
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

His name is already Real Advanced Dungeons and Dickey, are we actually adding anything here?

SAmmy
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

Hat tip to Gary “Gygax” Gaetti

olethros
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olethros
4 years 7 months ago

Jason Motte is hirsute and burly enough to fit the D&D stereotype. Especially if he chooses Red Fang’s “Preshistoric Dog” as his entrance music. Look it up, because I can’t access You Tube at work.

Dizzy Valance
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Dizzy Valance
4 years 7 months ago

Austin Kearns has giant hobbit ears.

Guy
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Guy
4 years 7 months ago

Nyjer Morgan-orc. For comparison:

Toasty
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Toasty
4 years 7 months ago

Yep, gotta be RA Dickey. Besides all of the previously posted reasons, the knuckleball is basically a mythical beast.

Widget Maker 007
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Widget Maker 007
4 years 7 months ago

David Eckstein. Hes short, shrimpy, pasty white (who would have guessed he played in San Diego?), has less power than Juan Pierre, less arm strength than Jamie Moyer, looks like hes the junior in high school but hasn’t hit puberty yet…in fact, I think I bullied David Eckstein as a child. I’d used to say, “WEDGIE!” And he’d say, “Ow, don’t do that! I’m gonna be a major leaguer one day and I’ll show you!”

Jordan
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Jordan
4 years 7 months ago

Is David Eckstein applicable? Isn’t he retired?

Im a Knucklehead
Guest
Im a Knucklehead
4 years 7 months ago

Well I guess he showed you then

SAmmy
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

Class 4 Knuckleball Mage

Frank
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Frank
4 years 7 months ago

This totally could have been Greinke.

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