What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Mark Hamburger, to the disappointment of many, claimed the nickname “Gomez’s Hamburger.” So Mr. Hamburger — and not Malcolm Clapsaddle, whom taste and horse-sense would seem to endorse — has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
“Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
“The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
“Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
“Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
“Gomez’s Hamburger” –
Malcolm Clapsaddle Mark Hamburger
And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons”!
Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:
This player strikes you, because of his essence, physicality or almost palpable je ne sais quoi, as something plucked from the world of Dungeons & Dragons. Check that: from the world of Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. Does he remind you of a paladin or a kobold or a gourd of mead or a half-elf or a broadsword or a gelatinous cube or a stinking-cloud spell or a minotaur or an owlbear or a +3 Amulet of Sexual Persuasion or a cleric with nothing left to lose? Then he’s a possibility.
Careful, though: it’s a world you may not want to leave …
Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:
Felix Jose looked a bit like an orc.
Guiding, Determinative Query:
What current ballplayer, because he is not of this world and perhaps has a monster’s countenance and aroma and hit points, should be nicknamed “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons”?
The convention floor, which is a dungeon with dragons, is open for nominations …
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