Nickname Seeks Player: “Aqua Velva Man”

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of the noble knight-errant, is to assign players to cool nicknames rather than indulge in the tired, shopworn paradigm of assigning nicknames to cool players.

First, though, a brief jaunt through our Nickname Seeks Player Vaulted Halls of Honor:

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano

The nickname up for grabs in this episode? It’s “Aqua Velva Man”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

An Aqua Velva Man, we are correctly taught, is a man who smells like a man. He is comfortable whether dining with heads of state or brawling in a casino. He has unfurled his member and made towering, sustained love in both a magnificently appointed bedchamber overlooking the Champs-Élysées and a littered Fresno stairwell (among thousands of other locations). He is also …

… the kind to enjoy some cavaliering leisure time with Vic Tayback subsequent to being heckled by Vic Tayback, himself an Aqua Velva Man.

In short, he is the sort the noble purveyors of Aqua Velva would choose to be an Aqua Velva Man. A mustache — so long as it is incontrovertibly a tickler — might help.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

No speculation required. Think Steve Garvey and Pete Rose, minus the latter’s ungentlemanly malaises. And what of Mr. Garvey’s ungentlemanly malaises? I should laugh! There’s nothing of the malaise about charitably impregnating the Ladies of America.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

Which current major-league player should be nicknamed “Aqua Velva Man”?

The convention floor, which is happily accented by standing tide pools of Aqua Velva and has available an abundance of cocktails made of same, is hereby open for nominations …




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Mallow
Guest
Mallow
4 years 9 months ago

Jason Giambi

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
4 years 9 months ago

Chase Utley

Evidence: Any picture that features his hair and his smile.

Zach Sanders
Member
Member
4 years 9 months ago

Gordon Beckham.

Evidence: NotGraphs

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
4 years 9 months ago

It’s Aqua Velva Man, not Aqua Velva Boy.

David
Guest
David
4 years 9 months ago

Can it be Brad Penny? Despite looking like a live action Shrek, his dance card has been quite full over the years. There’s got to be SOMETHING going on here…

Yirmiyahu
Member
Yirmiyahu
4 years 9 months ago

Jacoby Ellsbury is quite popular with the ladies.

pbs
Guest
pbs
4 years 9 months ago

The Utley nomination is strong. I’m going to submit Michael Morse, based on “Take On Me” walk up music, and this: http://misterirrelevant.com/index.php/2011/06/20/photo-mike-morses-black-tie-mullet/

Yirmiyahu
Member
Yirmiyahu
4 years 9 months ago

I don’t think he uses aftershave.

scout1222
Guest
scout1222
4 years 9 months ago

Judging by that photo, I’m not sure he even uses shampoo.

Clayton
Guest
Clayton
4 years 9 months ago

Joey Votto… i mean come on it’s obvious

Yirmiyahu
Member
Yirmiyahu
4 years 9 months ago

I’d support Votto.

ettin
Guest
ettin
4 years 9 months ago

Ryan Braun or Mark Trumbo

Bryan
Guest
Bryan
4 years 9 months ago

I was going to say Braun

mike
Guest
mike
4 years 9 months ago

Pavano. No contest

Eric
Guest
Eric
4 years 9 months ago

This image makes a strong, strong case.

leoleo
Member
leoleo
4 years 9 months ago

Definitely Utley

Carson Cistulli
Admin
Member
4 years 9 months ago

Frigging mouthy Vic Tayback.

The Common Man
Guest
4 years 9 months ago

John Axford doesn’t care if you want him to be Aqua Velva Man or not, he’s too busy being a man. For that reason alone, he deserves it.

glassSheets
Guest
glassSheets
4 years 9 months ago

Brett Lawrie

1) Canada is the only place where the original Green Sport is still sold; when I think of men’s men I think Canada.
2) Tattoo with Eminem lyrics.
3) His fiance is an Aqua Velva man’s kind of girl.
4) Takes pictures of his own abs.

robertobeers
Member
robertobeers
4 years 9 months ago

When he isn’t slaying the competition, Josh Collmenter likes to relax with a Pabst in one hand, and 25 women in the other. He thinks being called ‘Ham Fisted’ is a complement. Oh yea and he throws tomahawks.

TheGrandslamwich
Member
TheGrandslamwich
4 years 9 months ago

My mind jumped to Utley first, but after further consideration, Tulo is my nomination.

The Rajah
Guest
The Rajah
4 years 9 months ago

Clay Buchholz. Have you seen the talent list he has amassed?

Fish Monster
Guest
Fish Monster
4 years 9 months ago

Brandon Allen. Just picture him in a tux and top hat with a cigar in his mouth.

brett
Guest
brett
4 years 9 months ago

I’ll cast another vote for Utley.

Also, this classy gentleman right here:

Bryan Grosnick
Member
Member
4 years 9 months ago

Clay Rapada

If you need an explanation, you’re not paying attention.

The Rajah
Guest
The Rajah
4 years 9 months ago

Because I am not paying attention, please explain your nomination of Rapada.

ChrisDTX
Guest
ChrisDTX
4 years 9 months ago

I believe this contest is now over.

Jim Barris
Guest
Jim Barris
4 years 9 months ago

Utley, definately Utley

Erik Archer
Guest
4 years 9 months ago

Pascual Perez

Thelonious
Guest
Thelonious
4 years 9 months ago

I would like to add there is nothing more manly than slightly choreographed singing while standing in uncomfortably close proximity to one man’s crotch and another man’s butt cheeks.

I would also like to add it is unfortunate the rules of this debate preclude retired players, as Vida Blue, by virtue of his name alone, would be a worthy contestant.

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