Nickname Seeks Player: “Bad Miracle”

According to sanctioned tradition, the player comes first and then the nickname. That is, when concocting a nom de baseball, we typically ponder the player in question and then assign him a nickname that reflects some native trait of interest or — if we’re feeling galactically uninspired — knock a syllable or three off his actual name and reward ourselves with refreshing liquor. Given the unremarkable catalog of present baseball nicknames, perhaps it’s time to reconsider the process.

And so begins our grand experiment. First, we shall ponder the denotations, connotations, implications, intimations, and incriminations of a given nickname. Then, while balancing these concerns like sexy Lady Justice, we shall consider the prototypes of yore. What baseball-ists from the game’s gauzy past best embody the various denotations, connotations, implications, intimations, and incriminations of the nickname that we are examining like a tireless appraiser of gemstones? And finally, based on the indomitable will of the people, we shall assign the nickname to a current player. Let us begin …

The first nickname held up for scrutiny, ridicule and or clammy embrace is “Bad Miracle.”

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations: “Bad” suggests something bad. Or “bad” can also mean “good,” as the kids who need to pull up their pants are wont to say. “Miracle” means something good. Or it can also mean something bad. For instance, the “Miracle on Ice,” was good for the Americans, bad for the Soviets and value-neutral to the Glasnost.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past: Someone like Lenny Dykstra was bad in the sense that he’s a sociopath. He’s a miracle in the sense that he was good at baseball. Our patron saint Dick Allen was “bad” like the kids say, in that he smoked in the dugout and once punched a teammate in the chompers. He was a miracle in the sense that he was good at baseball. Mark Prior was bad in the sense that the outputs of his vast potential are best likened to a murdered body. He was a miracle in the sense that he had that previously mentioned vast potential in the first place. Or it could be someone like Tagg Bozied, who, as a lantern-jawed Son of the Republic with large body muscles that suggest the frequent lifting of heavy objects over his breast, chest, breastbone, neck, and head, looked like someone who would be good at baseball. So: Miracle. Yet he was not, at least by the standards of major leaguers who earn nicknames. So: Bad.

Guiding, Determinative Query: What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Bad Miracle”?

Please, sinewy, glistening readers, take it away …




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Geoff
Guest
5 years 19 days ago

I like Brian McCann for this one. He’s a miracle in the sense that he once was blind but now can see. The “bad” refers to the miracle itself, which involved complications from LASIK surgery and a smorgasbord of therapeutic eyewear.

Also, Brian McCann and Bad Miracle have the same initials.

Jaik Jarrkjens
Guest
Jaik Jarrkjens
5 years 19 days ago

McCann is a good match, but he already has a pretty great nickname – “Heap” – which has to be on of the best, most unique nicknames out there right now.

Tom
Guest
Tom
5 years 19 days ago

Can’t quite articulate why, but it seems to fit Milton Bradley pretty well

buddy
Guest
buddy
5 years 19 days ago

I have to agree. It’s pretty much perfect.

Mike
Guest
Mike
5 years 19 days ago

I’d like to propose Chris Davis. His AAA numbers are miraculous. As an MLB player, he’s bad. I think that covers it.

Chris
Guest
Chris
5 years 19 days ago

Chris Getz, he’s bad, and it’s a miracle he’s still on a MLB roster, let alone starting every day.

filihok
Guest
5 years 19 days ago

Bartolo Colon and his resurgence

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
5 years 19 days ago

Whoever is the current flavor of the month on the Tampa Bay Rays.

Bad in reference to the player’s [choose one or more of the following]: past, minor league numbers, failed stints in the majors, uninspiring overall package, rough tenure with a previous organization, clashes with various baseball personnel, questionable side-career as a musician.

Miracle in reference to [choose one or more of the following] the Rays being able to find such an undervalued player and acquire him cheaply, or the player’s ability to resolve, reverse, or undo any of the aforementioned choices associated with ‘bad’.

Consolation nominees: The 2010 Giants’ Season and Scott Podsednik (Bad: See stats, Miracle: See wife).

Ken Arneson
Guest
5 years 19 days ago

Podsednik also gets a miracle point for his unlikely game-winning home run in the World Series.

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
5 years 19 days ago

Agreed. I thought of that (which is probably a much bigger miracle than a professional athlete marrying an attractive woman – which isn’t as much a miracle as much as it is par for the course), but alas, I thought the wife thing was funnier.

Ah Podsednik, so many miracles for such an unheralded player.

Card Archives
Guest
5 years 19 days ago

Dusty Baker, without a doubt, embodies the duplicity of both “BAD” and “MIRACLE.”

Shaun
Guest
Shaun
5 years 19 days ago

Casey Kotchman… The bad is for him being one of the worst offensive 1B in the history of baseball. The miracle is that he’s hitting north of .330 and is the everyday starter and hero of the Rays…

Adam
Guest
Adam
5 years 19 days ago

I hate to be the one to bring up PEDs, but the first people I think of when I read this was Barry Bonds.

gardy32
Guest
gardy32
5 years 19 days ago

Ryan Vogelsong anyone?!?!
Bad: First trip through the majors
Miracle: 2011 season

Shaun C
Guest
Shaun C
5 years 18 days ago

These have been pretty great suggestions so far. My nomination: Willy Mo Pena.

His recent moon shot — featured in hot gifs — is the first thing I thought of when “Bad Miracle” was suggested.

Blueyays
Member
Member
Blueyays
5 years 18 days ago

I think Angel Villalona is the perfect player for this nickname. He is a miracle because, well, he kind of was. He was born with enormous natural talent, and heralded as the best prospect in a good farm system. He was supposed to be the savior of San Francisco, coming to end its offensive woes. He is bad because… well, it appears he may have murdered someone. (http://blogs.mercurynews.com/extrabaggs/2010/03/29/preliminary-hearing-for-murder-suspect-angel-villalona-set-for-april-27/)
A prodigous talented turned to murder (possibly)?
I’d say that’s a classic example of a miracle gone bad.

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