Nickname Seeks Player: “Big Data”

What we are doing is blatantly ripping off Dayn Perry, occasional contributor to NotGraphs; regular contributor to CBSSports.com, the home for all baseball; and constant contributor to the moral deterioration of The Republic; by assigning cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Since Dayn has seen fit to abandon us in our hour of need, we will usurp his nickname creation and application authority and render it back unto the people, so that they can ruin it through the democratic process, like they ruin everything else.

Last time out, perpetual disappointment David Temple tried, and seemingly failed, to determine who should earn the nickname “White Sangria.” As no consensus was either sought nor reached, this remains the Hall of Honour, which Dayn (because he’s an asshole who puts on airs) believes is “so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed ‘u’ is required for proper spelling…”

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter
Señor Buttcheeks” – Nick Swisher
Opening Day” – Jamie Moyer
50 Free Quality Sales Leads” – The Miami Marlins

“Iago’s Balls” – AJ Pierzynski

Now then, what fine name shall we be bestowing on some lucky, but likely unawares, ball player? Why, none other than “Big Data.”

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations

Every TED Talk I’ve ever heard tells me that Big Data will fundamentally change the world around me, how I will relate to it, and how it will relate to me. Big Data is something I am a part of, whether I wish to be or not, thanks to how my behavior both online and off is being tracked by any number of companies who probably think I’m having much more fun and enjoy my life much more than I actually am. And my behavior feeds into this huge amalgam of data that allows their purveyor to identify trends in a way that, according to Tim Hartford, is “making old statistical sampling techniques obsolete.”

Your mission, dear friends, is to find the player who fundamentally changes the way you interact with the universe, and how that universe interacts with you, and from whom you cannot ever hope to extricate yourself.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Ross Barnes. King Kelly. Damon Rutherford.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current ballplayer, because of his ubiquity and transformative ability, should be nicknamed “Big Data”?

The convention floor, which you should not eat off of, is open for nominations …




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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here: http://www.twitter.com/commnman


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The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz
2 years 2 months ago

Yasiel Puig

Shiskabob
Guest
Shiskabob
2 years 2 months ago

Gotta be Corey Kluber.

DD
Guest
DD
2 years 2 months ago

Mike Trout

DD
Guest
DD
2 years 2 months ago

Tho I think the best answer should be obvious and does not need an explanation, for Trout: He fills up a scoresheet like no one else, and he certainly fits the following description of what his play means to fans: “the player who fundamentally changes the way you interact with the universe, and how that universe interacts with you, and from whom you cannot ever hope to extricate yourself.”

Mitchell
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Has to be Jose Molina. Not only has he developed a cult following thanks to pitch framing data, but he’s also a “big” man.

MB
Guest
MB
2 years 2 months ago

First thought was Kluber, but Jose Molina is more deserving.

Urban Shocker
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Urban Shocker
2 years 2 months ago

I saw this after I posted Allen Craig, and immediately thought, ‘this is clearly the correct answer’.

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 2 months ago

Yep. Same here.

And the whole transformational part – who better than the patron saint of the framing data revolution. Jeff Sullivan should present Molina with his “trophy” as Big Data.

Urban Shocker
Guest
Urban Shocker
2 years 2 months ago

Allen Craig. Much better than The Magic Man-http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/on-allen-craig-the-magic-man/

ElJosharino
Member
ElJosharino
2 years 2 months ago

Joey Votto, obv.

Darkstone42
Member
Darkstone42
2 years 2 months ago

This is the same name which popped into my head immediately upon reading the title. I do confess, however, that a compelling case has been made for Mr. Molina.

I’ll go with Votto, though, for my vote. My gut tells me to.

cass
Guest
cass
2 years 2 months ago

My first thought was Joey Votto as well. Gotta be Joey Votto.

He’s big and he’s data. He’s Big Data.

Nickname Damur
Guest
Nickname Damur
2 years 2 months ago

Yep, “Big Data” implies sabermetrically hip and Votto definitely is the poster boy for sabermetrics among active players.

Though if we don’t limit it to players, maybe Blengino among active Fangraphs writers.

If we don’t limit it to sports, Nate Silver would be a good choice.

Mr. Observant
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Mr. Observant
2 years 2 months ago

Brandon McCarthy. He shamelessly puts forth his ‘understanding’ and ‘usage’ of FIP and other verbal abominations of baseball like he’s some sort of intellectual Olympian. Also, ladies and some gentlemen find his face tolerable to look at. He’s changing the paradigm, people!

TH_Binn
Guest
TH_Binn
2 years 2 months ago

I agree with McCarthy, it seems logical based on his predilections, although giving it to a masher like Trout or Votto certainly works too.

RC
Member
Member
RC
2 years 2 months ago

McCarthy seems to embody the “Data”, but is a little too thin for me to embody the “Big”.

Mr. Observant
Guest
Mr. Observant
2 years 2 months ago

Mrs. McCarthy might disagree – wink, wink!

RunTeddyRun
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RunTeddyRun
2 years 2 months ago

This is the obvious and unavoidable answer. He’s probably his own front office’s lead advanced metric analyst. Furthermore, he’d like to remind all of you that while he certainly espouses the use and inevitably of big data, his nickname is *actually* The Big Datum.

jcb21
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jcb21
2 years 2 months ago

Perhaps Matt Cain, as “Big Data Cain” has a kind of “Big Daddy Kane” vibe.

reillocity
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reillocity
2 years 2 months ago

But Cain hasn’t been getting the job done lately.

tz
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tz
2 years 2 months ago

Large…numbers….large numbers….

I keep coming back with Miguel Cabrera.

Matt
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Matt
2 years 2 months ago

Ryan Howard. When he jumps on the scales, that’s big data. When he hits a couple of bombs, that’s a big data day. At the first sign of his dodgy knees, he becomes big day-to-day for the rest of the year. So when the Phillies are giving out Ryan Howard bobbleheads, then they can proudly exclaim “Big data’s day-to-day for big data day today!”

Aaron Trammell
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Aaron Trammell
2 years 2 months ago

That sentence made me think of Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog.

Mike Green
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Mike Green
2 years 2 months ago

Will anyone be willing to risk Banknotes Harper’s wrath? Theft of a nickname merits a blow to the solar plexus. The death and destruction from the peniscular catapulting would surely cause a would-be thief to rethink his position.

Double J
Guest
Double J
2 years 2 months ago

I think Trout too. Trout is making old numbers obsolete.
He has the highest WAR through a player’s age 22 season and he just started playing his age 22 season.

Dang
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Dang
2 years 2 months ago

I want it so badly to be Darin Ruf.

But Jose Molina is a good choice.

Birdinhandguy
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Birdinhandguy
2 years 2 months ago

Gotta be Jonathon Lucroy or Jose Molina. What fundamentaly alters valuations like pitch framing? And I would lean Lucroy as he is an actual good player deserving of a pompous nickname.

The Stranger
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The Stranger
2 years 2 months ago

I want to take this a different direction. The name Big Data isn’t an honor, it’s a slur. It’s something that I don’t want anything to do with, but is constantly forced upon me by those who seek to profit at my expense. It adds nothing to my life, and makes me feel like I am constantly being taken advantage of.

Big Data is Joe Buck.

TK
Guest
TK
2 years 2 months ago

No Joe Buck is “Nepotism at it’s worst!”

MDL
Member
MDL
2 years 2 months ago

For that I nominate Tony Gwynn Jr.

Andrew Faris
Guest
Andrew Faris
2 years 2 months ago

Should the masses decide on Jose Molina, I’m in.

But how’s about Japhet Amador?

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
2 years 2 months ago

Robot Adam Dunn.

Mr. Smooth
Guest
Mr. Smooth
2 years 2 months ago

Coco Crisp because Coco Crisp.

Pinstripe Wizard
Member
Pinstripe Wizard
2 years 2 months ago

Hawk Harrelson?

Kody
Member
Kody
2 years 2 months ago

I saw “Big Data” and even before reading the article I thought Joey Votto. So there’s that.

Jeremy
Guest
Jeremy
2 years 2 months ago

Joey Votto, Brian Bannister, Brandon McCarthy, Glen Perkins. Should definitely be somebody who actually enjoys all the data.

Bryan
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

I was going to ask if Banny’s still eligible. He seems like the guy.

Shamus Mcfitzy
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Shamus Mcfitzy
2 years 2 months ago

Sam Fuld also fits this criteria and was the first person I thought of when I read the title. He’s not very big in stature, but he makes up for it in love of data.

JorgeFabregas
Guest
JorgeFabregas
2 years 2 months ago

Gabriel Stefan “Gabe” Kapler.

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 2 months ago

If he was currently active, he’d be a good choice.

William Garrison
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William Garrison
2 years 2 months ago

How did Andre Ethier not win the “white sangria” contest? Does Notgraphs not purport to be a democracy?

Triteon
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Triteon
2 years 2 months ago

In days past it should have been Doug Glanville, he of the University of Pennsylvania and a degree in systems engineering.

Dan Gladden
Guest
Dan Gladden
2 years 2 months ago

I nominate John Lackey

KB
Guest
KB
2 years 2 months ago

LaTroy Hawkins.

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 2 months ago

By length of career stat page, he has a legit case.

Markoz
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Markoz
2 years 2 months ago

Hitter : Adam Dunn

Is “data” singular or plural? Either way, big Ks and HRs are big data.

Jon L.
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Jon L.
2 years 2 months ago

Big Donkey Data

Fernando Tatis Drawing
Guest
Fernando Tatis Drawing
2 years 2 months ago

Dustin Ackley right? Ruined his career by reading fangraphs was the story I heard.

B N
Guest
B N
2 years 2 months ago

It could be Pat “The Bat” Burrell. I hear he was a “Big Date-eh” in the Philly club and bar scene where, I presume, he changed how many people interact with the world by giving them cold sores.

Harvey Fatch
Guest
Harvey Fatch
2 years 2 months ago

Max Scherzer

robertobeers
Member
robertobeers
2 years 2 months ago

Japhet Amador

reillocity
Guest
reillocity
2 years 2 months ago

Jack Cust? Is he active?

Dayton Moore
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Kila Ka’aihue

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 2 months ago

Hmmmmmmm…

John
Member
John
2 years 2 months ago

Jose Molina is a good choice. I’d propose Greg Maddux as well…?

John
Member
John
2 years 2 months ago

Oh, current player. I’m dumb.

DigBaseball
Member
DigBaseball
2 years 2 months ago

Jose Altuve

Wally
Guest
Wally
2 years 2 months ago

If by some sabr-takes on the pitch framing metric, he can be taken as a more valuable player than his brother, gotta be Big Data Jose Molina!

BenRevereDoesSteroids
Member
BenRevereDoesSteroids
2 years 2 months ago

Too bad Yuniesky Betancourt is in Japan…

ReuschelCakes
Guest
ReuschelCakes
2 years 2 months ago

eric sogard

Dreamin
Guest
Dreamin
2 years 2 months ago

Trevor Bauer. Big on analysis. Big ERA.

Pasels
Guest
Pasels
2 years 2 months ago

Craig Breslow.

http://www.iop.org/careers/working-life/profiles/page_57779.html

Big Data: who else would talk about the “inefficiencies in the kinematic system that is [his] delivery?”

pinch
Guest
pinch
2 years 2 months ago

good, not-obvious choice, in my humble opinion. mike trout and joey votto need no such nickname, and unless it fits they perfectly, aren’t you going to be sad when one comes up that does and they’re no longer available?

TheGrandslamwich
Member
TheGrandslamwich
2 years 2 months ago

Jose Abreu. We only have a little data on him, but the stats he put up in Cuba were huge. Also, everything he does from now on will be considered “big.”

Gabriel Bogart
Guest
Gabriel Bogart
2 years 2 months ago

I’m going with Brandon McCarthy as well. He’s a self-proclaimed stathead and SABR guy. And while some of you might say he’s not very ‘big’ due to his thin frame, I would direct you to his NOT altitudinally challenged frame; dude is like 6’7″, right?

Justin Morneau
Guest
Justin Morneau
2 years 2 months ago

Michael Cuddyer.
Seem to recall he couldn’t take the call telling him he’d been drafted because he had a calculus exam or something.

InspectorGadget
Guest
InspectorGadget
2 years 2 months ago

Carlos Quentin! Dude graduated early from Stanford and pitchers can’t avoid him no matter how hard they try.

me
Guest
me
2 years 2 months ago

“Big Data is something I am a part of, whether I wish to be or not.”

BUD SELIG

jcxy
Guest
jcxy
2 years 2 months ago

I’m disappointed here–I expected many more responses to make indirect (or direct) reference to the gentleman’s sausage. If “Big Data” doesn’t elicit a chorus of responses mentioning ravishing dongs…I mean, I worry that this whole shtick is over.

InsidetheZona
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

I support McCarthy here, but…

Joey Votto has to be the guy. Joey “I’m Scarier than You Think” Votto. Joey “You Cannot Hope to Contain All These Good Stats” Votto. Joey “Take All This Data and Choke on It” Votto.

Joey “Big Data” Votto. Make it happen.

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