Nickname Seeks Player: “Dionysus with Rabies”
What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Zack Greinke narrowly edged out Sam Fuld for the honor of being called “Science or Bravery?“. So Mr. Greinke has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Dionysus with Rabies”!
Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:
Quite simply, this player is insane. Dionysus, of course, is the Greek god of, among other delights, getting drunk and ritual madness. Now imagine a man who is drunk, participating in ritual madness and also stricken with rabies. Such a man would be coconuts.
Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:
It could be a gentle and harmless flavor of insanity, spiced with doobage and Soviet t-shirts. Bill Lee, for example. Or it could be something more menacing, an affliction that surely entails tiny demons feasting on his brain matter and the persistent and growing threat of mass murder, like Tony Phillips. Baseball skills don’t matter so much; what matters is a home address in Banana Town.
Guiding, Determinative Query:
What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Dionysus with Rabies”?
The convention floor, which is filled with wine and dead bodies, is open for nominations …
Nick Swisher.
Carlos Zambrano
While it absolutely fits, Mr. Zambrano already has a nickname.
This nickname fits better.
Or Elijah Dukes…
Or Miguel Cabrera
Like it could be anybody else.
too literal?
Nyjer Morgan
Seconded
first one i thought of. this fits better than interrobang!
I wish we could isolate and specify pre-Taco-Bell, that-one-really-funny-thing-he-did-on-the-George-Lopez-show Brian Wilson. That guy would be perfect for this.
But since we can’t, I’ll second the Nyjer Morgan nomination.
So if we’re trying to reward pre-cashing-in Brian Wilson’s antics, maybe our nominee should be his mysterious leather-clad companion.
I nominate “The Machine (True Identity Unknown)”
I thought it was established that Pat Burrel was “The Machine” ?
I’m never going to be able to think about Pat Burrell again now.
Hunter Pence definitely plays like someone who is drunk and/or mad with rabies.
This one has excellent sleeper potential.
Obligatory Milton Bradley nomination that actually kind of fits pretty damn well this time around.
Sidney Ponson.
Brian Wilson over Nyjer Morgan. With Morgan, there are no delights — only madness.
that walk off single was pretty delightful.
If we can convince Turk Wendell to reactivate for a day, then Turk Wendell is a shoe in. It’s only fair.
If not, Brett Myers.
Turk Wendell was my gut reaction as well.
Me.
Him.
Are either Manny Ramirez or Julian Tavarez eligible?
I second Ramirez once he signs.
Papelbon … (since Ruben Amaro isn’t eligible)
^ Papelbon was my first thought, though I also like the Wilson and Morgan nominations
Because of his ineligibility due to retirement and subsequent death, Dock Ellis, for whom this is perfect, isn’t an option. Hence, I nominate Johnny Cueto, other wise known as that cunt who kicks opposing players in the head with his spikes.
Stay classy, Cards fans.
What about that description was inaccurate? Or do you simply object to all profanity, even when clearly justified?
…saith the all knowing
I’d say any of the following Red Sox rotation: Lackey, Lester, and Beckett.
Ryan Braun? Word is he had some medical affliction, if not rabies exactly…
Jose Valverde
My favorite two thus far are Morgan and Pence… not necessarily in that order. I hope to see both on the ballot. Though if both make the ballot, I will spend far too much time analyzing this to make my final decision.
Joba Chamberlain. He’s been known to overindulge in the bacchanalian delights, he puts on some antics on the mound, and he looks like King Hippo.
Joba has already been knighted as Gargoyle O’Boyle, friend.
Francisco Rodriguez. Either set-up or closer editions suffice.
I’m gonna go off the board a bit here and nominate Ron Washington. Is there anything other than drinking, ritual madness, or rabies that can explain his managing decisions?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udNHsk57f24
YES! PERFECT!
My first reaction was Johnny Damon, but Pence is a good one.
Carlos Gomez was the first one that came to my mind.
It’s gotta be Milton Bradley if he ever makes it back into the league.
Hitler.
How does this game work?
R.A. Dickey.
Does this man look sober and healthy to you?
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l9jatwHKqS1qavsn6.jpg
Also, he climbs mountains and names his bats after mythical creatures.
Luke Scott fits this bill…
-C
EXCELLENT one, totally forgot about him.
put me down for Nyjer Morgan
If retired players were allowed I would want to nominate Mitch Williams.
Please consider the nicknames OMNICLOPS and PIG THRUST.
Yadier Molina, obviously. Check out the tantrum that got him suspended last season. The one where he spit in that ump’s face.