Nickname Seeks Player: “Dionysus with Rabies”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Zack Greinke narrowly edged out Sam Fuld for the honor of being called “Science or Bravery?“. So Mr. Greinke has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Dionysus with Rabies”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

Quite simply, this player is insane. Dionysus, of course, is the Greek god of, among other delights, getting drunk and ritual madness. Now imagine a man who is drunk, participating in ritual madness and also stricken with rabies. Such a man would be coconuts.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

It could be a gentle and harmless flavor of insanity, spiced with doobage and Soviet t-shirts. Bill Lee, for example. Or it could be something more menacing, an affliction that surely entails tiny demons feasting on his brain matter and the persistent and growing threat of mass murder, like Tony Phillips. Baseball skills don’t matter so much; what matters is a home address in Banana Town.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Dionysus with Rabies”?

The convention floor, which is filled with wine and dead bodies, is open for nominations …




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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crotch_jenkins
Guest
crotch_jenkins

Nick Swisher.

Sam
Guest
Sam

Carlos Zambrano

Sam
Guest
Sam

Or Miguel Cabrera

MikeS
Guest
MikeS

Like it could be anybody else.

cable fixer
Guest
cable fixer

too literal?

Todd
Guest
Todd

Nyjer Morgan

Eminor3rd
Member
Eminor3rd

Seconded

phoenix2042
Guest
phoenix2042

first one i thought of. this fits better than interrobang!

Bill@TPA
Guest

I wish we could isolate and specify pre-Taco-Bell, that-one-really-funny-thing-he-did-on-the-George-Lopez-show Brian Wilson. That guy would be perfect for this.

Bill@TPA
Guest

But since we can’t, I’ll second the Nyjer Morgan nomination.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman

So if we’re trying to reward pre-cashing-in Brian Wilson’s antics, maybe our nominee should be his mysterious leather-clad companion.

I nominate “The Machine (True Identity Unknown)”

David
Guest
David

I thought it was established that Pat Burrel was “The Machine” ?

Darien
Member

I’m never going to be able to think about Pat Burrell again now.

HitTheCutoff
Guest
HitTheCutoff

Hunter Pence definitely plays like someone who is drunk and/or mad with rabies.

Kyle
Member

Obligatory Milton Bradley nomination that actually kind of fits pretty damn well this time around.

Anon
Guest
Anon

Sidney Ponson.

Mike
Guest
Mike

Brian Wilson over Nyjer Morgan. With Morgan, there are no delights — only madness.

phoenix2042
Guest
phoenix2042

that walk off single was pretty delightful.

Joel
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Joel

If we can convince Turk Wendell to reactivate for a day, then Turk Wendell is a shoe in. It’s only fair.

If not, Brett Myers.

Mike
Guest
Mike

Turk Wendell was my gut reaction as well.

Carl Everett
Guest
Carl Everett

Me.

Adrastus Perkins
Member

Him.

Yirmiyahu
Member

Are either Manny Ramirez or Julian Tavarez eligible?

DD
Guest
DD

I second Ramirez once he signs.

Tom
Guest
Tom

Papelbon … (since Ruben Amaro isn’t eligible)

MDL
Member
MDL

^ Papelbon was my first thought, though I also like the Wilson and Morgan nominations

olethros
Guest
olethros

Because of his ineligibility due to retirement and subsequent death, Dock Ellis, for whom this is perfect, isn’t an option. Hence, I nominate Johnny Cueto, other wise known as that cunt who kicks opposing players in the head with his spikes.

manbearpig
Member
manbearpig

Stay classy, Cards fans.

olethros
Guest
olethros

What about that description was inaccurate? Or do you simply object to all profanity, even when clearly justified?

Mo Vaughn
Guest
Mo Vaughn

…saith the all knowing

ettin
Guest
ettin

I’d say any of the following Red Sox rotation: Lackey, Lester, and Beckett.

DD
Guest
DD

Ryan Braun? Word is he had some medical affliction, if not rabies exactly…

Fantasy Jedi
Guest
Fantasy Jedi

Jose Valverde

Nathan
Guest
Nathan

My favorite two thus far are Morgan and Pence… not necessarily in that order. I hope to see both on the ballot. Though if both make the ballot, I will spend far too much time analyzing this to make my final decision.

Darien
Member

Joba Chamberlain. He’s been known to overindulge in the bacchanalian delights, he puts on some antics on the mound, and he looks like King Hippo.

Joel
Guest
Joel

Joba has already been knighted as Gargoyle O’Boyle, friend.

Josh
Guest
Josh

Francisco Rodriguez. Either set-up or closer editions suffice.

James Lewis
Guest
James Lewis

I’m gonna go off the board a bit here and nominate Ron Washington. Is there anything other than drinking, ritual madness, or rabies that can explain his managing decisions?

Yirmiyahu
Member
phoenix2042
Guest
phoenix2042

YES! PERFECT!

MH
Guest
MH

My first reaction was Johnny Damon, but Pence is a good one.

d_i
Member
Member
d_i

Carlos Gomez was the first one that came to my mind.

Coralskipper
Guest
Coralskipper

It’s gotta be Milton Bradley if he ever makes it back into the league.

Juan
Guest
Juan

Hitler.

How does this game work?

Toasty
Guest
Toasty

R.A. Dickey.

Does this man look sober and healthy to you?
comment image

Also, he climbs mountains and names his bats after mythical creatures.

cthabeerman
Member
cthabeerman

Luke Scott fits this bill…

-C

DD
Guest
DD

EXCELLENT one, totally forgot about him.

Erik Archer
Guest

put me down for Nyjer Morgan

Matt_cc
Guest
Matt_cc

If retired players were allowed I would want to nominate Mitch Williams.

Martyn
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Martyn

Please consider the nicknames OMNICLOPS and PIG THRUST.

B
Guest
B

Yadier Molina, obviously. Check out the tantrum that got him suspended last season. The one where he spit in that ump’s face.

wpDiscuz