What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Zack Greinke narrowly edged out Sam Fuld for the honor of being called “Science or Bravery?“. So Mr. Greinke has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Dionysus with Rabies”!
Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:
Quite simply, this player is insane. Dionysus, of course, is the Greek god of, among other delights, getting drunk and ritual madness. Now imagine a man who is drunk, participating in ritual madness and also stricken with rabies. Such a man would be coconuts.
Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:
It could be a gentle and harmless flavor of insanity, spiced with doobage and Soviet t-shirts. Bill Lee, for example. Or it could be something more menacing, an affliction that surely entails tiny demons feasting on his brain matter and the persistent and growing threat of mass murder, like Tony Phillips. Baseball skills don’t matter so much; what matters is a home address in Banana Town.
Guiding, Determinative Query:
What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Dionysus with Rabies”?
The convention floor, which is filled with wine and dead bodies, is open for nominations …
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