Nickname Seeks Player: “Dionysus with Rabies”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Zack Greinke narrowly edged out Sam Fuld for the honor of being called “Science or Bravery?“. So Mr. Greinke has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Dionysus with Rabies”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

Quite simply, this player is insane. Dionysus, of course, is the Greek god of, among other delights, getting drunk and ritual madness. Now imagine a man who is drunk, participating in ritual madness and also stricken with rabies. Such a man would be coconuts.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

It could be a gentle and harmless flavor of insanity, spiced with doobage and Soviet t-shirts. Bill Lee, for example. Or it could be something more menacing, an affliction that surely entails tiny demons feasting on his brain matter and the persistent and growing threat of mass murder, like Tony Phillips. Baseball skills don’t matter so much; what matters is a home address in Banana Town.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Dionysus with Rabies”?

The convention floor, which is filled with wine and dead bodies, is open for nominations …




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54 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Player: “Dionysus with Rabies””

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  1. crotch_jenkins says:

    Nick Swisher.

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  2. Sam says:

    Carlos Zambrano

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  3. Sam says:

    Or Miguel Cabrera

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  4. Todd says:

    Nyjer Morgan

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  5. Bill@TPA says:

    I wish we could isolate and specify pre-Taco-Bell, that-one-really-funny-thing-he-did-on-the-George-Lopez-show Brian Wilson. That guy would be perfect for this.

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  6. HitTheCutoff says:

    Hunter Pence definitely plays like someone who is drunk and/or mad with rabies.

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  7. Kyle says:

    Obligatory Milton Bradley nomination that actually kind of fits pretty damn well this time around.

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  8. Anon says:

    Sidney Ponson.

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  9. Mike says:

    Brian Wilson over Nyjer Morgan. With Morgan, there are no delights — only madness.

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  10. Joel says:

    If we can convince Turk Wendell to reactivate for a day, then Turk Wendell is a shoe in. It’s only fair.

    If not, Brett Myers.

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  11. Carl Everett says:

    Me.

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  12. Yirmiyahu says:

    Are either Manny Ramirez or Julian Tavarez eligible?

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  13. Tom says:

    Papelbon … (since Ruben Amaro isn’t eligible)

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  14. olethros says:

    Because of his ineligibility due to retirement and subsequent death, Dock Ellis, for whom this is perfect, isn’t an option. Hence, I nominate Johnny Cueto, other wise known as that cunt who kicks opposing players in the head with his spikes.

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  15. ettin says:

    I’d say any of the following Red Sox rotation: Lackey, Lester, and Beckett.

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  16. DD says:

    Ryan Braun? Word is he had some medical affliction, if not rabies exactly…

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  17. Fantasy Jedi says:

    Jose Valverde

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  18. Nathan says:

    My favorite two thus far are Morgan and Pence… not necessarily in that order. I hope to see both on the ballot. Though if both make the ballot, I will spend far too much time analyzing this to make my final decision.

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  19. Darien says:

    Joba Chamberlain. He’s been known to overindulge in the bacchanalian delights, he puts on some antics on the mound, and he looks like King Hippo.

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  20. Josh says:

    Francisco Rodriguez. Either set-up or closer editions suffice.

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  21. James Lewis says:

    I’m gonna go off the board a bit here and nominate Ron Washington. Is there anything other than drinking, ritual madness, or rabies that can explain his managing decisions?

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  22. MH says:

    My first reaction was Johnny Damon, but Pence is a good one.

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  23. d_i says:

    Carlos Gomez was the first one that came to my mind.

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  24. Coralskipper says:

    It’s gotta be Milton Bradley if he ever makes it back into the league.

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  25. Juan says:

    Hitler.

    How does this game work?

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  26. Toasty says:

    R.A. Dickey.

    Does this man look sober and healthy to you?
    http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l9jatwHKqS1qavsn6.jpg

    Also, he climbs mountains and names his bats after mythical creatures.

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  27. cthabeerman says:

    Luke Scott fits this bill…

    -C

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  28. Erik Archer says:

    put me down for Nyjer Morgan

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  29. Matt_cc says:

    If retired players were allowed I would want to nominate Mitch Williams.

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  30. Martyn says:

    Please consider the nicknames OMNICLOPS and PIG THRUST.

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  31. B says:

    Yadier Molina, obviously. Check out the tantrum that got him suspended last season. The one where he spit in that ump’s face.

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