Nickname Seeks Player: “Gargoyle O’Boyle”

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of a noble knight-errant, is to assign cool nicknames to players rather than indulge in the tired, lamewad paradigm of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out? Jeff Mathis laid authoritative claim to the nickname “Hot Lettuce.” So Mr. Mathis has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis

And the nickname now available for purchase? It’s “Gargoyle O’Boyle”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

The nickname “Gargoyle O’Boyle” should evoke for you the late-19th-century and early-20th-century base ball-ist — a man of that blessed time when batting averages and infant-mortality rates kept close numerical quarters. It is a name that suggests a murderous intensity on the part of the base ball-ist, as well as offseasons spent working in the coal mine or astride the blast furnace. It suggests a man for whom base ball is an incurable disease. It suggests bunts, spikes-high stolen bases, games of pinochle played in the dining car, and a grim history of throttled elevator attendants. It suggests a man, full of bale and harm, who will die of too much corn liquor or perhaps a lung complaint. That is to say: It suggests beauty.

Or perhaps, for you, it suggests something else entirely. Whatever.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Ty Cobb is the obvious model for all who would aspire to be Gargoyle O’Boyle. Tony Phillips is a worthy, more recent example, as is Lenny Dykstra. Of course, “Gargoyle O’Boyle” need not be a small-ball fetishist. Are you suggesting Eddie Murray couldn’t have played for John McGraw? Because I’m suggesting no such thing. Woe betide the man who does suggest something like that!

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Gargoyle O’Boyle”?

The convention floor, which is filled with actual, palpable misery, is open for nominations …




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
doug
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doug
4 years 8 months ago

Either Michael Young or Jason Varitek.

Craig
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Craig
4 years 8 months ago

Definitely agree with Varitek.

ichabod
Guest
ichabod
4 years 8 months ago

Chone Figgins: Funny name needs funny nickname, and there is no one who exemplifies the idea of beating balls into the dirt better.

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
4 years 8 months ago

Jim Leyland

nubillybaroo
Guest
nubillybaroo
4 years 8 months ago

Dustin Pedroia, ’nuff said.

Table
Guest
Table
4 years 8 months ago

boo, wrong persona

Sociology Degreeer
Guest
Sociology Degreeer
4 years 8 months ago

Brooks Conrad

Peculiarly Peculiar
Guest
Peculiarly Peculiar
4 years 8 months ago

Jason Kendall

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
4 years 8 months ago

Daniel Day-Lewis

Max
Guest
Max
4 years 8 months ago

If we’re going by sheer ugly, Casey McGhee

cthabeerman
Member
cthabeerman
4 years 8 months ago

Jack Wilson would like a word…

-C

sporkless
Guest
4 years 8 months ago

Definitely Pedroia.

Matt
Guest
Matt
4 years 8 months ago

For some reason, I thought of Jonathan Broxton.

Kyle
Member
4 years 8 months ago

Carlos Lee, because of the way his face looks.

Bryan Curley
Guest
4 years 8 months ago

For a hitter, Vladimir Guerrero
For a pitcher, CC Sabathia

noel
Guest
noel
4 years 8 months ago

Russell Branyan or Travis Hafner

Steve
Guest
Steve
4 years 8 months ago

Second on Conrad

phoenix2042
Guest
phoenix2042
4 years 8 months ago

john axford for the stache!

GoldenFrank
Guest
GoldenFrank
4 years 8 months ago

Seth McClung.

Ginger
Irish immigrant name.
Probably actually does work in a coal mine in the off-season.

Chris
Guest
Chris
4 years 8 months ago

Matt LaPorta, ugly off and on the field.

Elizardo
Guest
Elizardo
4 years 8 months ago

Will Ohman

Hamjeesh
Guest
Hamjeesh
4 years 8 months ago

Chipper Jones

ettin
Guest
ettin
4 years 8 months ago

I say give it to the always-grim A.J. Pierzynski

ElJosharino
Guest
ElJosharino
4 years 8 months ago

Second.

Kevin
Guest
Kevin
4 years 8 months ago

I’m gonna have to second Vlad Guerrero.

Your Ex-Girlfriend
Guest
Your Ex-Girlfriend
4 years 8 months ago

GARGOYLE O’BOYLE RULES!

SAmmy
Guest
4 years 8 months ago

Sean O’Sullivan!?

Would have given this to Jeff Blauser if we was still playing at 50+

Table
Guest
Table
4 years 8 months ago

I like the fist two suggestions Michael Young, Jason Varitek

Bryan Curley
Guest
4 years 8 months ago

Wanted to add Josh Beckett too for his mound intensity, tendency to rely on fastballs and newly discovered passion for pounding clubhouse brewskis.

Dave S
Guest
Dave S
4 years 8 months ago

Ryan Roberts. Also liked Pedroia suggestion.

John Merrick
Guest
John Merrick
4 years 8 months ago

Eric Stults, because he is as ugly as a Gargoyle.

Daniel
Member
Daniel
4 years 8 months ago

I want Joba for this one. Maybe Skip Schumaker but no one cares about that guy. Joba it is. He looks like a cartoon Irish cop pretending to be a 19th century baseball player.

Daniel
Member
Daniel
4 years 8 months ago

Having said that about Joba, I think CC is a fantastic suggestion. You know if anyone’s gonna really feel comfortable as G O’B, it’s the big guy.

Chuck Hussel
Guest
4 years 8 months ago

Adam Rosales

matt w
Guest
matt w
4 years 8 months ago

Jeff Karstens

Cardinals645
Guest
Cardinals645
4 years 8 months ago

When I hear “Gargoyle O’Boyle”, I think “horrible hideousness”, and when I think “horrible hideousness”, I think “Ezequiel Astacio”. I apologize for suggesting an inactive player, but he fits the bill too well to go unmentioned.

jcxy
Guest
jcxy
4 years 8 months ago

i nominate mark bellhorn. as a three true outcome guy, i can totally see him finding a way onto a 20s/30s team because of his “ugly” power, but then have his skills go underappreciated. he also seems like he’d know (or be!) the team’s go-to blind tiger, jerking suds on the side.

having said that…CC’s size and matching joie de vivre are tough to argue with.

Toasty
Guest
Toasty
4 years 8 months ago

Luke Scott, for the blatant racism of the good old days.

beachykeen
Member
beachykeen
4 years 8 months ago

Placido Polanco

therood
Member
4 years 8 months ago

Sean Burroughs

Jimmy Dahmer
Guest
4 years 8 months ago

For the coal miner reference, I think that should be someone who spent a fair amount of time in the minors. Ryan Roberts fits that description. As for bunts and high-spikes stolen bases, Nyjer Morgan comes to mind (also spent plenty of time in the minors).

Nyjer Morgan has my vote!

Jimmy Dahmer
Guest
4 years 8 months ago

Too bad Morgan doesn’t play for the ‘Stros. I can see him perched on the center-field flag-pole like a gargoyle, ready to strike at any flyballs hit his way.

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