What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Omar Vizquel was swaddled in the nickname “Soft Corinthian Leather.” So Mr. Vizquel has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
“Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
“The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
“Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
“Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Gomez’s Hamburger”!
Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:
“Gomez’s Hamburger” is the actual name of an actual star, which means that, ipso facto, “Gomez’s Hamburger” is our greatest, most multitudinous star, if not our brightest one.
What does this mean for our purposes? “Gomez’s Hamburger” should be bestowed upon the active base ball-ist with the greatest name. We care not for his skills or mortal fears or bestowals or basest urges; we care only for the quality of his given name.
Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:
This is another way of asking: who had a great name? Johnny Dickshot did. As did Boileryard Clarke. As did Razor Shines and Van Lingle Mungo and Bombo Rivera and Blast Furnace O’Dwyer and Archi Cianfrocco and Cinders O’Brien and Bill Hill and Stubby Clapp and John Wockenfuss and Emil Bildilli and Boof Bonser and Jocko Conlon and Blue Moon Odom and Calvin Coolidge Julius Caesar Tuskahoma McLish.
Guiding, Determinative Query:
What current ballplayer, because his name is awesome and contributes to the uplift of the soul, should be nicknamed “Gomez’s Hamburger”? And, for one night only, minor leaguers are eligible!
The convention floor, which is owned by a man named Brickbat Cannonade, is open for nominations …
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