Nickname Seeks Player: “Good, Round Friend”

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of a noble knight-errant, is to assign cool nicknames to players rather than indulge in the tired paradigm of assigning cool players nicknames. Before we launch the latest installment, however, a trip through our Hall of Honour, which, as you surely anticipated, is made entirely of fine Corinthian leather …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford

And the nickname now hanging perilously in the balance? It’s “Good, Round Friend”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

Near the end of Arnold Lobel’s “Owl At Home,” a timeless rumination on a sexless and epicene bachelor, the titular character refers to the moon as his “Good, Round Friend.” And so, on this fine day, the NotGraphs collective shall also refer to someone as “Good, Round Friend.” And this someone shall be a ballplayer.

This ballplayer should be rather large in frame and bearing and should also be an amiable and charming hail-fellow-well met. Or, at the least, he should impress you as such within the dreamscape of your fondest imaginings, since you will never meet him and he cares not a whit whether you live or are murdered with a shillelagh. So: portly and awesome. Like Falstaff. Not like a self-important tenor.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Babe Ruth was fat and convivial. So he works. David Wells works, I suppose, particularly since, insofar as the qualities of a “Good, Round Friend” are concerned, a case of the gout is self-recommending. Terry Forster? Ray King? The healthy preponderance of all middle relievers?

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Good, Round Friend”?

The convention floor, which is, appropriately enough, brimming with good, round friends, is open for nominations …




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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nextyeardc
Guest
nextyeardc
4 years 10 months ago

Prince Fielder

aab
Guest
aab
4 years 10 months ago

I am against anything that gives Prince Fielder an awesome nickname.

Also, I believe “Good, Round Friend” should be a meat-eater.

Yirmiyahu
Member
Yirmiyahu
4 years 10 months ago

Why’s Fielder appear to be the favorite over David Ortiz?

Craig Glaser
Guest
Craig Glaser
4 years 10 months ago

Prince Fielder seems like the obvious one. He’s good, he’s round and he’s usually smiling.

aab
Guest
aab
4 years 10 months ago

I vote for Colby Rasmus…we need more ironic nicknames.

scout1222
Guest
scout1222
4 years 10 months ago

Prince Fielder is definitely who comes to mind immediately.

filihok
Member
4 years 10 months ago

I wish Brian Traxler were still alive and playing.

Since he’s not Prince seems like the obvious choice.

Noel
Guest
Noel
4 years 10 months ago

CC Sabathia

paulma2zak
Guest
paulma2zak
4 years 10 months ago

I agree with Fielder. After all, the moon is made from cheese, specifically cheese made in Wisconsin.

Yirmiyahu
Member
Yirmiyahu
4 years 10 months ago

Inaccurate. The moon is made of Vermont cheddar.

ettin
Member
ettin
4 years 10 months ago

I would say Fielder but Pablo Sandoval would work as well. When both of them bend over their cracks show anyway so if fits the whole “Full Moon” theme of this nickname.

MikeS
Guest
MikeS
4 years 10 months ago

I was trying to think of a large, smiling player who had been caught mooning someone but I can’t.

dmack
Guest
dmack
4 years 10 months ago

If this were a few years back, I’d say Rich Garces. But Pablo Sandoval is my pick for current big-leaguers.

Joe P
Guest
Joe P
4 years 10 months ago

I thought of Rich, too, but “El Guapo” is a fantastic nickname in its own right and Garces can’t hog ’em all, lovable as he may be.

Nate
Guest
Nate
4 years 10 months ago

I vote for Garces too. Once Dan (the Duke) Davis referred to him as “that giant mound of refried beans”. Still makes me smile.

Jeremy
Guest
Jeremy
4 years 10 months ago

Pablo Sandoval, in light of Jimmy Anderson’s absence.

drtrix
Member
Member
drtrix
4 years 10 months ago

Pandavol for sure

Padman Jones
Member
4 years 10 months ago

Pablo, Prince and Papi all strike me as too hyperactive for such a placid nickname. It’s gotta be CC Sabathia.

buddy
Guest
buddy
4 years 10 months ago

Miguel Cabrera deserves to be on the ballot, at least.

He may not be the roundest, or the friendest, but he is the goodest.

Joe P
Guest
Joe P
4 years 10 months ago

I nominate Big Fat Bartolo Colon.

Me
Guest
Me
4 years 10 months ago

Josh Beckett

mike
Guest
mike
4 years 10 months ago

I vote Sandoval. It just fits

Drew
Guest
Drew
4 years 10 months ago

If only Royce Ring was fat and in the majors.

TartanElk
Guest
TartanElk
4 years 10 months ago

Jose Valverde or Denys Reyes

TartanElk
Guest
TartanElk
4 years 10 months ago

I have to add on Brandon Inge. If take take roud to mean well rounde in character ad personality, Inge has it all. His timeless work with charities and hospitals, his dedication to his team and fans and also the craziness to believe pitchers pitch to him like he’s Babe Ruth. He’s not the well rounded friend we deserve, but he’s the one we need.

Yirmiyahu
Member
Yirmiyahu
4 years 10 months ago

Boring!

SiddFinch
Guest
SiddFinch
4 years 10 months ago

Rich Garcés!!

juan pierre's mustache
Guest
juan pierre's mustache
4 years 10 months ago

i nominate the red sox rotation. chicken and beer -> goodness, roundness, friendliness, badness at baseball

Jack
Guest
Jack
4 years 10 months ago

Bobby Jenks’ chin:
See Image:

Jack
Guest
Jack
4 years 10 months ago

Er.. I mean John Danks’ chin. I don’t know where Bobby came from (maybe its the chin’s name)

SiddFinch
Guest
SiddFinch
4 years 10 months ago

No, no, I got it… Mo Vaughn.

steex
Member
steex
4 years 10 months ago

The first name that came to my mind was Billy Butler. In particular, his face looks very round when he’s wearing a baseball cap. And what could be more friendly than a jolly fellow in Kansas City?

I say Billy needs the nickname love more than Prince Fielder.

Halvy
Guest
4 years 10 months ago

It’s got to be Fat Billy Butler! I agree… he’s marooned in KC and needs the pub.

Morse
Guest
Morse
4 years 10 months ago

Todd Coffey.

Rico
Guest
Rico
4 years 10 months ago

As much as I’d love to put Sandoval, he is more than a friend. I nominate JI-JIM THOME

steex
Member
steex
4 years 10 months ago

I completely overlooked Thome. It doesn’t get more friendly than him, but unfortunately he might seem too muscular to be truly “round.” Still, if I were to support an alternate to my chosen son (Billy Butler), it would definitely be Thome.

nick
Guest
nick
4 years 10 months ago

I think its gotta be CC Sabathia. He’s probably the closet to being literally ROUND of any player.

The Rajah
Guest
The Rajah
4 years 10 months ago

It can only be Fat Bartolo Colon. This is the guy you want to go drinking with on the weekend…the WHOLE weekend.
http://www.athlonsports.com/mlb/ten-players-wed-test-steroids

Nathan
Guest
Nathan
4 years 10 months ago

Heath Bell

Aaron W.
Guest
Aaron W.
4 years 10 months ago

Gerald Laird has a jolly face and the sort of girth that even the baggiest of uniforms can’t disguise. He’s a “Roseanne’s TV husband” sort of fellow.

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