Nickname Seeks Player: “Good, Round Friend”

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of a noble knight-errant, is to assign cool nicknames to players rather than indulge in the tired paradigm of assigning cool players nicknames. Before we launch the latest installment, however, a trip through our Hall of Honour, which, as you surely anticipated, is made entirely of fine Corinthian leather …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford

And the nickname now hanging perilously in the balance? It’s “Good, Round Friend”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

Near the end of Arnold Lobel’s “Owl At Home,” a timeless rumination on a sexless and epicene bachelor, the titular character refers to the moon as his “Good, Round Friend.” And so, on this fine day, the NotGraphs collective shall also refer to someone as “Good, Round Friend.” And this someone shall be a ballplayer.

This ballplayer should be rather large in frame and bearing and should also be an amiable and charming hail-fellow-well met. Or, at the least, he should impress you as such within the dreamscape of your fondest imaginings, since you will never meet him and he cares not a whit whether you live or are murdered with a shillelagh. So: portly and awesome. Like Falstaff. Not like a self-important tenor.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Babe Ruth was fat and convivial. So he works. David Wells works, I suppose, particularly since, insofar as the qualities of a “Good, Round Friend” are concerned, a case of the gout is self-recommending. Terry Forster? Ray King? The healthy preponderance of all middle relievers?

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Good, Round Friend”?

The convention floor, which is, appropriately enough, brimming with good, round friends, is open for nominations …




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40 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Player: “Good, Round Friend””

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  1. nextyeardc says:

    Prince Fielder

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  2. Craig Glaser says:

    Prince Fielder seems like the obvious one. He’s good, he’s round and he’s usually smiling.

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  3. aab says:

    I vote for Colby Rasmus…we need more ironic nicknames.

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  4. scout1222 says:

    Prince Fielder is definitely who comes to mind immediately.

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  5. filihok says:

    I wish Brian Traxler were still alive and playing.

    Since he’s not Prince seems like the obvious choice.

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  6. Noel says:

    CC Sabathia

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  7. paulma2zak says:

    I agree with Fielder. After all, the moon is made from cheese, specifically cheese made in Wisconsin.

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  8. ettin says:

    I would say Fielder but Pablo Sandoval would work as well. When both of them bend over their cracks show anyway so if fits the whole “Full Moon” theme of this nickname.

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  9. dmack says:

    If this were a few years back, I’d say Rich Garces. But Pablo Sandoval is my pick for current big-leaguers.

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    • Joe P says:

      I thought of Rich, too, but “El Guapo” is a fantastic nickname in its own right and Garces can’t hog ‘em all, lovable as he may be.

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      • Nate says:

        I vote for Garces too. Once Dan (the Duke) Davis referred to him as “that giant mound of refried beans”. Still makes me smile.

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  10. Jeremy says:

    Pablo Sandoval, in light of Jimmy Anderson’s absence.

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  11. drtrix says:

    Pandavol for sure

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  12. Padman Jones says:

    Pablo, Prince and Papi all strike me as too hyperactive for such a placid nickname. It’s gotta be CC Sabathia.

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  13. buddy says:

    Miguel Cabrera deserves to be on the ballot, at least.

    He may not be the roundest, or the friendest, but he is the goodest.

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  14. Joe P says:

    I nominate Big Fat Bartolo Colon.

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  15. Me says:

    Josh Beckett

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  16. mike says:

    I vote Sandoval. It just fits

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  17. Drew says:

    If only Royce Ring was fat and in the majors.

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  18. TartanElk says:

    Jose Valverde or Denys Reyes

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  19. TartanElk says:

    I have to add on Brandon Inge. If take take roud to mean well rounde in character ad personality, Inge has it all. His timeless work with charities and hospitals, his dedication to his team and fans and also the craziness to believe pitchers pitch to him like he’s Babe Ruth. He’s not the well rounded friend we deserve, but he’s the one we need.

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  20. SiddFinch says:

    Rich Garcés!!

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  21. juan pierre's mustache says:

    i nominate the red sox rotation. chicken and beer -> goodness, roundness, friendliness, badness at baseball

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  22. steex says:

    The first name that came to my mind was Billy Butler. In particular, his face looks very round when he’s wearing a baseball cap. And what could be more friendly than a jolly fellow in Kansas City?

    I say Billy needs the nickname love more than Prince Fielder.

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  23. Halvy says:

    It’s got to be Fat Billy Butler! I agree… he’s marooned in KC and needs the pub.

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  24. Morse says:

    Todd Coffey.

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  25. Rico says:

    As much as I’d love to put Sandoval, he is more than a friend. I nominate JI-JIM THOME

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    • steex says:

      I completely overlooked Thome. It doesn’t get more friendly than him, but unfortunately he might seem too muscular to be truly “round.” Still, if I were to support an alternate to my chosen son (Billy Butler), it would definitely be Thome.

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  26. nick says:

    I think its gotta be CC Sabathia. He’s probably the closet to being literally ROUND of any player.

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  27. The Rajah says:

    It can only be Fat Bartolo Colon. This is the guy you want to go drinking with on the weekend…the WHOLE weekend.
    http://www.athlonsports.com/mlb/ten-players-wed-test-steroids

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  28. Nathan says:

    Heath Bell

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  29. Aaron W. says:

    Gerald Laird has a jolly face and the sort of girth that even the baggiest of uniforms can’t disguise. He’s a “Roseanne’s TV husband” sort of fellow.

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