Our ongoing quest, in the manner of a noble knight-errant, is to assign cool nicknames to players rather than indulge in the tired paradigm of assigning cool players nicknames. Before we launch the latest installment, however, a trip through our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling. …
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
And the nickname now hanging perilously in the balance? It’s “I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass”!
Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:
While this scribe is something of a Yo La Tengo agnostic, there’s no disputing the heaven-sent, maiden-kissed, dandy-fondled perfection of this album title. It would, I attest from atop the pile of my basest urges, make a fine, good nickname.
What does it mean? It means an absence of fear where fear should dwell. It means defiance of human — nay, animal — bounds and limits. It means that there is a very certain type of shit that, anymore, he’s not going to take.
I am afraid of you and it is thus deducible that I will not beat your ass. But this Player to be Nicknamed? He is not afraid of you and he will very much beat your beautiful ass.
Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:
Billy Martin surmounted modest skills and a slight build to carve out a major-league career and sucker-punch scores of legions of many. Jackie Robinson was courage and noble bravado writ awesome (if, that is, we wish to take this in a direction that’s actually inspiring on the merits rather than, you know, rich with amusements). David Eckstein was certainly unafraid. He wasn’t going to beat anyone’s ass, but, really, the willingness and confidence to beat an ass is more important than actual beating of asses, even beautiful ones such as yours.
Guiding, Determinative Query:
What current major-league player should be nicknamed “I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass”?
The convention floor, which is larded with asses — consenting asses — looking to be beaten, is now open for nominations …
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