Nickname Seeks Player: Iago’s Balls

What we have done is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. This is the last time we shall do this. Why, multitudes ask? Because we shall soon introduce a new, equally insipid series called “Nickname Seeks Former Player.”

First, though, another glance at our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter
Señor Buttcheeks” – Nick Swisher
Opening Day” – Jamie Moyer
50 Free Quality Sales Leads” – The Miami Marlins

The nickname up for grabs this last time? It’s “Iago’s Balls,” which was submitted by post-coital reader Johnny Hummusbeard!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

Iago was a scarlet deceiver who was mean to the Moors. Balls are foul-smelling blobs that lead to unwanted children and cancer and flop stupidly against your inner things. Combine the two and you have an unlikeable sort. If you lay eyes upon a certain ballplayer and sniff, “Egad, jeeper and pooh, I hate him,” then he’s a fitting nominee to be nicknamed “Iago’s Balls.”

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Pete Rose. “Lonnie Shitty” wasn’t a real player, but if he were then he would be another example.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

Which player, because you would like to punch his dumb lips, should be nicknamed “Iago’s Balls”?




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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MikeS
Guest
MikeS
4 years 3 months ago

Can’t we just give it to AJ Pierzynski and go home early?

Kyle
Member
4 years 3 months ago

Yeah. I mean, I wish I were clever enough to come up with someone else. I am not.

Brian
Guest
Brian
4 years 3 months ago

How about Johnny Cueto?

Big Jgke
Member
Big Jgke
4 years 3 months ago

Because of his 80’s teen-movie villain name?

David
Guest
David
4 years 3 months ago

Juan Pierre. He may very well be a fine fellow, but to see him in my teams uniform makes me cringe and exclaim “Iago’s Balls! We actually are playing Juan Pierre!”

leoleo
Member
leoleo
4 years 3 months ago

Jonathan Papelbon

DD
Guest
DD
4 years 3 months ago

Seconded.

phoenix2042
Guest
phoenix2042
4 years 3 months ago

Luke Scott, AJ Pierzynski, Jonathon Papelbon are all worthy choices that have been nominated. But I would like to propose a couple of sleeper (or perhaps ineligible) picks: Ozzie Guillen (if managers count) or perhaps Carlos Guillen (if recently retired counts). The same last name was pure coincidence.

bob
Guest
bob
4 years 3 months ago

Placido Polanco. His face looks like Iago’s Balls

Dude3000
Guest
Dude3000
4 years 3 months ago

Bryce Harper

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
4 years 3 months ago

Naw, man. He’s got the hustle.

Dude3000
Member
Dude3000
4 years 3 months ago

I know. ESPN told me.

dpurps
Guest
dpurps
4 years 3 months ago

Vicente Padilla. He kind of looks like a fowl-smelling blob.

Eminor3rd
Member
Eminor3rd
4 years 3 months ago

Yes! This is the correct answer.

reillocity
Guest
reillocity
4 years 3 months ago

I hate no player moor than Hanley Ramirez: nine or ten times
I had thought to have yerk’d him here under the ribs.

Jimbo69
Guest
Jimbo69
4 years 3 months ago

Jose Valverde. God I hate guy.

Second choice: Delmon Young.

Nathan
Guest
Nathan
4 years 3 months ago

Either of these.

dp
Guest
dp
4 years 3 months ago

Chipper Jones, in part b/c the weight that his face and head have put on over the years has transfigured his once ‘chipper’ visage into something bearing no small resemblance to a sagging nad. Also worth noting: I am a Mets fan.

yeah
Guest
yeah
4 years 3 months ago

Shouldn’t it be Larry Jones then?

The Rajah
Guest
The Rajah
4 years 3 months ago

I’m a Braves fan and I agree with all of the above about Chipper Jones. The scraggly facial hair should also be considered. It would be cute on a 16 year old kid, but a grown man in his 40’s should know better than to display that in public, unless he is busy writing some sort of manifesto in a cabin out in the woods. Send him on his way. He’s tying up a roster spot just to do his ceremonial farewell tour. Most everyone hates him, so “Iago’s Balls” is definitely Chipper.

melotticus
Guest
melotticus
4 years 1 month ago

Yea, I hate it when we have some old fart with a .900 ops clogging the lineup and tying up a roster spot.

Big Jgke
Member
Big Jgke
4 years 3 months ago

I nominate Jackie Deluca, Douchebag Yankees fan from THE gif.

Squee
Guest
Squee
4 years 3 months ago

Where is this legendary GIF? No one will tell me!

Todd
Guest
Todd
4 years 3 months ago

Luke Scott and Pierzynski seem easy choices – both for different reasons – while their issues are odd opinions and odd word choices the winner is someone who thought hurting another human being was well something he should do….

Johnny Cueto would like to thank everyone for coming tonight and as a parting gift, Johnny would like you to turn around so he can kick you in your head, give you a concussion and make you retire from your current job.

Johnny Cueto

yeah
Guest
yeah
4 years 3 months ago

I’ll second you on cueto, but I’ll also throw Andruw Jones in the mix for his “fuck it I’ve made a ton of money already time to stop conditioning” attitude that ended his career as a regular at 30.

Resolution
Member
4 years 3 months ago

Fuck it. Carl Pavano.

Eminor3rd
Member
Eminor3rd
4 years 3 months ago

This is an excellent one too. I hate Carl Pavano and don’t see any reason why anyone else shouldn’t. Can you? I mean can anyone come up with a reason not to hate Pavano?

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
4 years 3 months ago

A buddy of mine had a family friend that was doing some construction work for Pavano. Word is that Pavano kept saying the guys were overcharging him because ‘they knew who he was’ and that he also refused to ride the elevator with the workers.

I’ve also seen Bobby Abreu get people ejected from a Yankee game for heckling him. Not sure what they were saying but it seemed pretty lame on his part – exacerbated by the fact that these were ridiculously good seats the people had (10 rows behind the dugout maybe?). He’d also be a good recipient of the nickname in my opinion…

OtherSuccesses
Member
OtherSuccesses
4 years 3 months ago

I doubt there’s much backup for this idea, but for some reason, CJ Wilson. There. I’ve shared.

Paul
Guest
Paul
4 years 3 months ago

Umpires eligible? Angel Hernandez.

harperhill
Guest
harperhill
4 years 3 months ago

I know Angel is known for the occasional horrid call–indeed I remember several times when I’ve been livid with him while watching a game. But I have to say…I met him a month or so ago and I’ve got to say that he is really one cool dude. Seriously, he’s a great guy if not always the best ump. FWIW.

JWP
Guest
JWP
4 years 3 months ago

Player Division: Bobby Abreu, Andy (Gee, now I can’t remember) Pettitte, Chris Carpenter

Manager Division: Tony LaRussa

Squee
Guest
Squee
4 years 3 months ago

Aroldis Chapman. Gross, dude!

zach zelinsky
Guest
4 years 3 months ago

Come on guys…Has to be Ryan Braun!

MikeS
Guest
MikeS
4 years 3 months ago

Funny story about Braun. The Brewer’s were in town to play the White Sox and I went to a couple of games. Braun was routinely booed and called “cheater” or “liar” or the ever popular “You suck, Braun!” by Sox fans. The Brewer fans routinely defended him by yelling “Don’t listen to them, Ryan, you’re a very handsome gentleman” or “I don’t think you suck at all, Ryan!” or other amusing things like that. I’ve seen and heard a lot of fans of the visitors at US Cellular field and I have to say that Brewers fans seems to be the best natured of the bunch.

Zach Reynolds
Member
4 years 3 months ago

CC Sabathia, and here’s why: Iago is the most evil character ever written, and while his balls are certainly his most disgusting feature, they must needs be large as well, to imbue the man with an insipid dose of evil every time they flop stupidly against his inner thighs.
CC is large. He plays for the Yankees, who themselves own a nickname with “Evil” as half the title. He is the larger part of the most evil baseball team.
He is Iago’s Balls.

Zach Reynolds
Member
4 years 3 months ago

*largest

Eminor3rd
Member
Eminor3rd
4 years 3 months ago

Yeah but he’s already Captain Cheeseburger

Squee
Guest
Squee
4 years 3 months ago

Nickname Seeks Former Player should really be another loins-first category. I’m looking forward.

Micah Stupak
Member
4 years 3 months ago

Try as I may, I can’t put together an argument for A-Rod, possibly because the nickname is too interesting for that numbskull.

olethros
Guest
olethros
4 years 3 months ago

The Chicago Cubs.

If managers are eligible, Dusty Baker.

Dainer's Hubris
Guest
Dainer's Hubris
4 years 3 months ago

I nominate Kevin Gregg. If he ain’t Iago’s balls, he at least sucks ’em.

CurtisStarkeyFan4LIFE!!!!!!!
Guest
CurtisStarkeyFan4LIFE!!!!!!!
4 years 3 months ago

Gary Gaetti

CurtisStarkeyFan4LIFE!!!!!!!
Guest
CurtisStarkeyFan4LIFE!!!!!!!
4 years 3 months ago

Alright, explanation.

First, if you remember correctly, Gary Gaetti was the Cardinals and Twins most effective position player turned mop up man. Maybe one of the best in history. His signature pitch was a knuckle-ball, and based on all of our experience with women, knuckle-sandwiches, and praying not to be hit in the face by something coming straight at our face, the knuckleball is the most deceptive pitch (Iago) in baseball.

Second, ball’s. Again, if you remember correctly, which I’m, like, totally sure you do, by the time Gary Gaetti retired, he was so round you wanted to push him down a hill and watch him gain steam.

As if any other reasonings were necessary, he’s probably in the top 500 ugliest players in baseball history. Rumor is, he might even be number 1.

olethros
Guest
olethros
4 years 3 months ago

Otis Nixon would like to dispute that claim.

yeah
Guest
yeah
4 years 3 months ago

Derek Lowe for what he did to Dusty Baker.

Robb
Guest
Robb
4 years 3 months ago

CB Buckner

Robb
Guest
Robb
4 years 3 months ago

Colin Cowherd

BalkingHeads
Member
BalkingHeads
4 years 3 months ago

Kyle Davis. Simply because he is the worst ever.

Bryan
Guest
4 years 3 months ago

If nobody’s mentioning him because it’s too easy, he’s probably the right answer. Luke Scott.

ppabich
Guest
ppabich
4 years 3 months ago

&w=350&h=254

Don’t you just want to punch this guy in the face? His stupid chin hair is a perfect target for a swift swing at the jaw.

I don’t know much about his personality, but jeeze I want to punch that guy.

dzigga
Member
dzigga
4 years 3 months ago

Dustin Pedroia. Balls, with intent.

Megs
Guest
Megs
4 years 3 months ago

OK, it says Iago is a deceiver, so I gotta go with Johnny Cueto. I mean, he kicked a guy in the back of the head and then said he was scared and was protecting himself.

At least AJ Pierzynski, Chris Carpenter and the like are unapologetically assholes.

orfo
Guest
orfo
4 years 3 months ago

Shane Victorino needs to be in this conversation.

me
Guest
me
4 years 3 months ago

youk. exhibit A:

plus, he really, really, needs a new nickname. everyone wins.

nu? billy barooo
Guest
nu? billy barooo
4 years 3 months ago

Bobby Valentine

gnomez
Guest
gnomez
4 years 3 months ago

Needs more Johnny Cueto. Lots more Johnny Cueto.

Dewayne Wise
Guest
Dewayne Wise
4 years 3 months ago

I proved yesterday that I am the ultimate deceiver.

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