Nickname Seeks Player: “L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, R.A. Dickey laid uninspired claim to the nickname “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons.” Although the name indubitably should’ve gone to Eric Sogard, Mr. Dickey has, in unmoved, assembly-line fashion, been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes is a Truffaut film the title of which translates into America Words as “The Man Who Loved Women.” So this ballplayer is not only a presumptive lover of the dames but also a presumptive lover of the dames … in French.

In America, we make love to start families or to celebrate football outcomes. In France, we make love because libertine indulgences remind us, for a fugitive moment or two (or upwards of two hours if one is L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes) that, while dying, we are not yet dead. In France, the corporeal is followed by the corporeal, which means after a vigorous humping one humps again. In America, we fall asleep on the toilet or go to Buffalo Wild Wings.

L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes draws tight his topcoat, walks over the cobblestones of Grenoble and catches her reflection in the tobacconist’s window. Her lips are thick and blood-bruised. She has bob-cut hair the hue of a blackbird’s self-disgust. The nape of her neck is the nape of a woman’s neck. Her womb is surely journeyed. “Vous contiennent multitudes,” he says.

“L’amour est désespérée,” she says. “Mais je ne suis pas.”

They make love.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Scott Erickson.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current ballplayer, because he is a lover compelled not by love but rather by despairing routines of self-animation that are terribly French, should be nicknamed “L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes”?

The convention floor, which is a rumpled cocktail dress, is open for nominations …




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


45 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Player: “L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes””

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  1. pbs says:

    I’m thinkin CJ Wilson here, you guys. He just seems kinda french to me, and not in a good way, know what I mean.

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  2. dockmarm says:

    I can’t decide between Giancarlo Stanton and Jeff Francoeur.

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  3. Bryz says:

    Is it bad to nominate Brett Myers for the sheer irony factor?

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  4. David says:

    Brad Penny

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  5. James says:

    Dirk Hayhurst called Wade LeBlanc “Frenchie” in The Bullpen Gospels

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  6. John Newfry says:

    It has to be Derek Jeter doesn’t it?

    +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. Lies & Perfidy says:

    Barry Zito. He has a reputation for enjoying the night life, and he is absolutely someone who needs to stave off crushing despair and nihilism.

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  8. B says:

    I want to say Johnny Damon. I’ve heard that his autobiography has details. I haven’t read it, myself.

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  9. Todd says:

    Sam LeCure – He always LeCured the ladies from their troubles

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  10. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Tony Parker, obviously.

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  11. Daniel says:

    Can we say David DeJesus, because even if he is not a ladies man, though he is, he is most surely the ladies’ man. The ladies, they do say so.

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  12. therood says:

    Juan Uribe

    “…compelled by…despairing routines of self-animation…”

    http://eephusleague.com/wp-content/uploads/tdomf/6175/eju2.jpg

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  13. Harry says:

    Can I nominate the recently retired Pat “the Bat” Burrell? His retirement should only grant him more time to lay some fly hunnies down.

    Sidenote: “The Bat” has nothing to do with Burrell’s choice of career

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    • Jack says:

      I’d agree, but its translated as the man who LoveD women. Pat Burrell is constantly loving women.

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    • Lies & Perfidy says:

      I was considering nominating Pat, but I don’t think he’s compelled by despairing routines of self-animation, unless he’s batting in a World Series.

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  14. Nevin says:

    this should be Nomar for the OCD factor. But not current. Boo.

    Votto.

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  15. nathan says:

    Don’t care that he’s not a current player — Billy Williams. Because he invokes Billy Dee Williams. And Bill Dee Williams is smooth.

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  16. davisnc says:

    If we call baseball our metaphorical woman here, it could be someone who plays the game, but doesn’t seem to particularly enjoy it. Adam Dunn?

    That has the added benefit of being an ironic French nickname, since he’s a big southern dude whose offseason workouts consist of hunting, drinking beer, and, I don’t know, chucking bulldozer tires around or digging holes or something.

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  17. Steve says:

    Would have been Jeter til yesterday, but now it’s gotta be Giancarlo.

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  18. Dan Gladden says:

    Zito or Francouer. Nothing else matters

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  19. The Rajah says:

    Giancarlo is the name of a lover.

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  20. deadhead says:

    Jesus H Christ, Perry! I’d expect this sort of high brow attempt at humor from Carson, but I thought you were a man of the people. A man who thought wine originated from paper bags held by men in alleys. I get that Carson thinks art is a French clown reading Tolstoy in Sanskrit.

    Everyone that hates this pretentious nickname, let us take to the streets! Clad only in dungarees, or a loin cloth, we will lay waste to any scoundrel daring to allow the French language to roll from his tongue!!

    I nominate Papelbon, though. My wife said his name means butterfly in French.

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    • bstar says:

      Hahaha. That’s “Papillon”, which does mean butterfly in French. Remember the movie with the same name about the prison escape artist, starring Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman?

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  21. Nu? Billy Baroo says:

    Francoeur came to mind first. Buuuuut after careful consideration….

    Starlin Castro.

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  22. deadhead says:

    Oooops… My wife said I was high and that she said, it sounds like the word for butterfly in French. the main point is that no one cares about French stuff here in the good ol’ U S of A!

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  23. cecilcoop says:

    Jeter is a strong choice…but Pat “The Bat” Burrell’s exploits are worth consideration as well.

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  24. bdawg says:

    DEREK JETER….because he leaves them a gift basket!!!!!! Or Pat Burrell, because if the lady won’t do it to him, he will ask permission to do it to himself in front of the lady.

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  25. CurtisStarkeyFan4LIFE!!!!!!! says:

    Long story short, I stood next to the wasted Pat Burrell at closing time. He blocked the door so no one could leave, and stood there and shouted (asked?), ” Who wants to fuck Pat-the-Bat!?”

    That’s a good memory.

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  26. CurtisStarkeyFan4LIFE!!!!!!! says:

    I nominate Rick Vandenhurk.

    I mean, If you pronounce Van-den-hurk with a soft V and a high chin it vibrates like foreign royalty.

    Richard Vandenhurk (any roman numeral could work!)

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