Nickname Seeks Player: Livan Hernandez

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of the noble knight-errant, is to assign players to cool nicknames rather than indulge in the tired, shopworn paradigm of assigning nicknames to cool players.

First, though, a brief jaunt through our Nickname Seeks Player Vaulted Halls of Honor:

“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt

Moving on … The nickname up for grabs in this episode? It’s “Liván Hernández”!

Yes, that’s right: Liván Hernández. We don’t mean Liván Hernández the given legal name, although Liván Hernández the person is certainly eligible for Liván Hernández the nickname. Rather, we pay homage to Liván Hernández the person and his strong yet ultimately failed showings in previous rounds of balloting. As well, we wonder whether someone out there in baseball embodies what it means to be Liván Hernández better than Liván Hernández himself. So this week’s nickname is Liván Hernández.

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

You might a be large, frumpy pitcher with enough guile, tenacity and Eric Gregg to stick around in the majors until the mountains crumble into the sea. You might be the knuckleballer who never throws a knuckleball. You might be the durable embodiment of average-ness, regardless of role and deployment. You might be a player who, despite that frumpy appearance, for some reason strikes you as a man who makes love like a godhead.

More generally, you might be a ballplayer who readily brings to mind and lips this observation: “This guy seems like Liván Hernández more than Liván Hernández does.” Yes, you might be what we talk about when we talk about Liván Hernández.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Rick Reuschel? Gary Gaetti, who in some ways seems like the position player’s analog of Liván Hernández? Mike LaValliere? Jeff Juden on his best day ever?

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Liván Hernández?

The floor, lovesexies, is open for nominations …

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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

43 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Player: Livan Hernandez”

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  1. pbs says:

    Well I don’t know who it is, but it ain’t Luke Scott.

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  2. bgrosnick says:

    Uh, I think it absolutely must be Jose Contreras. But, to be fair, I think this nickname has less stick-to-it-iveness than the previous three.

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  3. glassSheets says:

    Micah Owings.

    Fastball tops out in the 80’s, and he can be used as a pinch hitter for the $45 Couches of the world.

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  4. Steve says:

    I’m going to throw Brad Penny out there. Both have around 100 ERA+’s for their careers, both have pitched for a lot of different teams, and both are pretty fat. Also, they both made two AS games a piece. I like the comp. Brad “Livan Hernandez” Penny is a great name. Hell, Livan “Brad Penny” Hernandez is a great name too.

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  5. Friedman says:

    Jason Marquis.

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  6. Dayn Perry says:

    I’ll get the obvious formality out of the way and nominate Livan Hernandez.

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    • Now I’ve got nothing.

      Except: Arthur Rhodes!

      Arthur Rhodes seems to be my default for all of these.

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    • Yirmiyahu says:

      Yeah. I don’t think anyone compares to his a) longevity, b) mediocrity, c) lack of ‘stuff’, and d) ability to throw 900 innings every year.

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    • glassSheets says:

      He fails the qualification of “This guy seems like Livan Hernandez more than Livan Hernandez does”.

      He also has never made me think he makes love like a godhead.

      He is, however, both frumpy looking and durable. Livan Hernandez fails half the qualifications set forth for being Livan Hernandez.

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    • MikeS says:

      I agree. It really suits him.

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  7. Dan says:

    Josh Beckett

    I might be way off here, but their careers seem to be taking a similar path.

    Phase 1 – world series hero for Marlins.
    Phase 2 – reach word series again w 2nd team (Livan – Giants, Beckett – Red Sox) while not quite living up to ace status.
    Phase 3 – Livan = become a journeyman innings eater and settle in with last place club who gets by with guile after stuff is completely gone, Beckett = ?

    Given the health issues and the fact that he is a better pitcher than Livan was it seems unlikely that Beckett’s twilight will be similar to Livan’s, but the beginnings seem to mirror each other quite well.

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  8. steex says:

    I wish this were a few days earlier, I would’ve said Matt Stairs.

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    • Dayn Perry says:

      For our purposes, the great Mr. Stairs is still considered active. His name is accepted into nomination.

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  9. ngranered says:

    R.A. Dickey. Perhaps the R.A. even stands for “Really Average” He has piled up a pedestrian 6.2 WAR in more than 750 innings. To make matters worse (or more average, if you will), he was the first player mentioned in the article used to explain “replacement value pitcher” in this article: If that doesnt scream average, what does?

    Also, with a last name like Dickey, I’m sure he makes love like a godhead even if it is really average.

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  10. Todd says:

    Carl Pavano – strikeouts are his enemy as with Livan
    Bronson Arroyo – throwing 60 mph pitches excites him as with Livan

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  11. Bob says:

    I nominate El Duque.

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  12. Jay says:

    I’d like to stake out a spot as a visionary and apply it to Aroldis Chapman. I’ll check back in 2020 and see how it worked out.

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  13. TheBigDawg says:

    In honor of the late Hideki Irabu, I nominate The Fat Pussy Toad. Obviously, he is not active here on our planet, but he must be causing George Steinbrenner to reach for his wallet in the after life every time The Boss hears the name “I Rob U”.

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  14. The Only Nolan says:

    Bartolo Colon?

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  15. GTwill says:

    Derek Lowe

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    • Yirmiyahu says:

      I’d support this.

      The thing that strikes me about Hernandez is not just his lack of velocity, but the fact that he always shows up and gives you 33 starts and 200+ innings, and has somehow never been injured. For like 14 years in a row.

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      • Bryz says:

        Unless Livan has just been hurt his entire career and just never bothered to tell anyone. It would explain his 85 MPH fastball and absolute disinterest in throwing a real curveball.

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  16. filihok says:

    I have not thought about Jeff Juden in quite a long time. I have never visited Jeff Juden’s FanGraphs page until this moment.

    I did not know Jeff Juden pitched 5.2 innings as a Yankee

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  17. SAmmy says:

    Sergio Mitre

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  18. SAmmy says:

    & Carlos Zambrano, also Brian Tallet.

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  19. SAmmy says:

    Edgar Renteria is a good position player comp.

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  20. AndyS says:

    A joke I once heard on the internets:

    Q: Why is Livan hernandez so fat?
    A: Because he eats so many innings!

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  21. Naveed says:

    No pitcher reminded me of seeing Livan Hernandez pitch every fifth day as much as Kevin Correia. Accordingly I shall nominate him.

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    • Naveed says:

      Quote from Correia’s Wikipedia page:

      During his time with the Pittsburgh Pirates, it was determined that Correia was in fact “The Drizzle”, a ficticious character from Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000). This lead to many fans coming to PNC Park for Correia’s home starts wearing shirts that read “Who Is The Drizzle?”.

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  22. Morse says:

    Javier Vasquez.

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  23. EMD says:

    I think the real Livan Hernandez’s nickname should be “Miracle Baby”

    Like, one of those kids born without arms or eyes who against-all-odds will their way to actually attending some form of pre-school. That’s Livan Hernandez.

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    • EMD says:

      Shoot, that’s too close to “Bad Miracle.”

      Oh well, Livan Hernandez is really … Rubby De La Rosa. Maybe add a “Jr.” on the end and you’ve got something. Livan Hernandez, Jr.

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  24. Chuck Burly says:

    Bruce Chen. And together we call them the Slow Bros.

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  25. therood says:

    Freddy Garcia

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