Nickname Seeks Player: Nominate the Final Nickname
What we have been doing is assigning cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuating the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. We will soon stop doing this because all things — even things like this which are hopelessly played out and have been driven remorselessly into the ground — must come to an end. But not before one last dance, my love!
First, though, another glance at our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
“Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
“The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
“Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
“Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
“Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
“Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
“L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter
“Señor Buttcheeks” – Nick Swisher
“Opening Day” – Jamie Moyer
“50 Free Quality Sales Leads” – The Miami Marlins
And now the task at hand: I want you, the besexed reader, to nominate the final nickname. What would make a cracking-good nickname for Nickname Seeks Player? By all means, you tell me. The only restriction is that there is no restriction.
A Walk to Remember
Noble Gas
Bruce Chen
Mr. Baseball. It can go so many ways … The ultimate representative of MLB to the world, a washed up former star now pimping himself out for a paycheck, a Tom Selleck look alike, or an award for the most iconic facial hair!
He already manages the Dodgers.
A baseball manages the Dodgers?
Donny fuckin’ Baseball as he’s known.
Mr. Baseball is Bob Uecker. Has been for many years.
Sis Stooly
Boggy Fundus
Pine-tar Geekin’
Spotted Dick
Clown Question Bro
Banana Stand
The New York Yankees, because there’s always money in the banana stand.
Fatty Corpuscle
“Besexed NotGraphs God”
Well-Beered Englishman
Palindrome Sally
Sally Palindrome
Blastoise
Christ’s Holy Pecker
Natural Selection
Laudatory Omen
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Petroleum Special
The Devil’s Advocate
Leisured Gentleman
Hey, you going my way?
You’re with me Leather
Jigsaw
Oxy-moron
Late Night Infomercial
Clean Cut
I am the Danger
Dungeons and Dragons
Hero
Highlight Reel
Why don’t you sit out a few plays
Twitterer
Tweeter
ACL
Bunion
Six Finger
i like “Hey, are you going my way?”
How about, “Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”
TL-DR
Fuckface!
Exclamation point is necessary, I presume. Accept no substitutions!
You presume correctly.
billy ripken
Anal Hershiser
Death by Misadventure
Backdoor Slider. Or failing that, David Appleman High and Inside.
Dorothy Mantooth
Oh hell yes.
Drew Brees…oh damn wrong sport.
Tom Wait’s Ashtray
Pee Shivers
Captain Fungo
My Bat is Huge and it’s in My Hand
Alphonso ‘Guinea Pants’ Bartolli
Southern War Doe
Reassuring Extra Diner
Baffling Remark
Overdue Mob
This is notgraphs. There is only one choice that makes any sense at all.
Carson Cistulli.
Too obvious. It would clearly go to Eric Sogard.
Apple of Discord
The Stimulus Package
I think that name would fit a five tool player well, someone like Andrew McCutchen for example.
I hear “Weird Wuss” is taken.
lazy susan
The Crimson Bat
The Madison Wiener
The Besexed Eunuch
Call me, wOBA?
Eric Kelly
Or: Cut From Leather, Cut From Suede
I feel that baseball and D&D should intermingle more frequently
Bigby’s Forceful Hand
Eagle’s Splendor
Evard’s Black Tentacles
Leomund’s Tiny Hut
Melf’s Acid Arrow
Phantasmal Killer
Power Word, Kill
Tenser’s Floating Disc
Magic Missle
The Mongolian Stomper
RBI Baseball
Flibbertigibbet
The Metric System
Tits McGee
Man-boobs Galore (his Bond name)
The Long Goodbye
NotGraphs’ best feature, soon to depart? Heaven forfend! If this means more poetry, I shall cancel my subscription posthaste.
Scrappy McSlaphitter
Yo! MTV Raps
Every Day’s a Hard Day
THC
Florentine Loin
War’s Dark Shadow
Local Ladykiller
Raccoon Parlor Aficionado
This is striking. Bryce Harper, perhaps.
Mentuhotep III
sweet trim
old cookie
disco spider
Scooby Doo
Keith Law
Mentok the Mindtaker
kelly leak
Saddam Hussein
Fip Warer
T-Bone
Boner Stabone
The Philosopher’s Stone
Bro.
Loinburger.
15 Minute Nap.
Or Suckled By A She—wolf
Remedial Goat Herder
I prefer the Spanish translation … Asdrubal Cabrera
Bad Acid Trip
Oh Holy One
Moneyball
Dayn,
Can you give the unwashed, besexed masses a reason for why this particular feature is being discontinued?
Boom Boom Geoffrion
Born This Way
Bedeviled Fielder
Grant Balfour.
…wait, that’s an ACTUAL name.
(I tried to fictionalize him once, because of reasons, and couldn’t come up with anything that even approached the ridiculousness of a pitcher having his actual name without seeming completely made-up and corny.)
Eunuch or Mannequin?
The Bluest Eye
Jism Incognito
Vintage if You Squintage
How I Wet Your Mother
Bourbon, And Other Causes of Gout
Jesús Riding on A Burro
Eyjafjallajökull
Or We Could Just Steal It
Iago’s Balls
Mainly I think it should be Iago’s Balls.
Six of one, half dozen of the other
Clitoromegaly or Micropenis?
Old Lady in a Thong
Night Goat
Throbhammer
That’s Not What it Says on the Bathroom Wall
Muad’dib
I’d offer Q-Rod, but it’s probably taken.
filthmaster flash
slick johnson
DERPin
Ernie McCracken
Big Ern
Roid-Rod
Rod-Rod
Big-Rod
Little-Rod
Fat-Rod
Thick-Rod
Hard-Rod
B-Rod
C-Rod
Ram-Rod
Mustard Hands
Flappy Duckpants
Eggs
Either:
General Dog (in the vein of Texas A&M University’s beloved and feared leader)
Or:
A Real Piece of Shit
Water-Cooler Talks
Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass
Excellent Comb-over
I’ve got to go #2
Catching Sux (My knees hurt)
Dayn Perry
Nice Face
I’ve already drank 6 beers
Bob Uecker has already drank 6 beers
prescription strength Tylenol isn’t strong enough
Trippin’ Balls
Welsh Sweat
“Country Blumpkin”
The Kumquat Robot
“I Hardly Know Her”
As in Doug Fister “I Hardly Know Her”
Productive Out. Or Reproductive Out.
Sexual Instrumentation Without the Instructions
Ol’ crust and puss
The 2012 Honda Odyssey
Culligan Man
Jiffy Lube
The Midas Touch
The Great and Powerful Turtle
Mustachioed Evil Twin
Dandruff Free Since ’93
“Buds and Suds Weekend”
“Tyrannosaurus Sex”
“A Gentleman Doc Ellis”
“Lauren”
Spooky Action at a Distance
Sorry for the Inconvenience (I guess this would just default to Kevin Gregg)
Cuban Sandwich Crisis
Immaculate Egret
Bake Sale
“You’re my boy, Blue!”
Last Call
Hypnotoad
Blazing Slow
Right Said Fred
The Mayan Prophecy
Wormburner
Eephus H. Christ (or Eephus Christ, Superstar)
Medium Pockets
Medium Poison
Tinker to Evers to the Dugout Tunnel
Slick Rick