Nickname Seeks Player: Nominate the Final Nickname

What we have been doing is assigning cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuating the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. We will soon stop doing this because all things — even things like this which are hopelessly played out and have been driven remorselessly into the ground — must come to an end. But not before one last dance, my love!

First, though, another glance at our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter
Señor Buttcheeks” – Nick Swisher
Opening Day” – Jamie Moyer
50 Free Quality Sales Leads” – The Miami Marlins

And now the task at hand: I want you, the besexed reader, to nominate the final nickname. What would make a cracking-good nickname for Nickname Seeks Player? By all means, you tell me. The only restriction is that there is no restriction.



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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Bob Loblaw
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Bob Loblaw

A Walk to Remember

Resolution
Guest
Resolution

Noble Gas

samuelraphael
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Bruce Chen

NatsFan73
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NatsFan73

Mr. Baseball. It can go so many ways … The ultimate representative of MLB to the world, a washed up former star now pimping himself out for a paycheck, a Tom Selleck look alike, or an award for the most iconic facial hair!

Resolution
Guest
Resolution

He already manages the Dodgers.

Nik
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Nik

A baseball manages the Dodgers?

Resolution
Guest
Resolution

Donny fuckin’ Baseball as he’s known.

Mr. Smooth
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Mr. Smooth

Mr. Baseball is Bob Uecker. Has been for many years.

juan pierres mustache
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juan pierres mustache

Sis Stooly

C.C
Guest
C.C

Boggy Fundus

Tucker
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Tucker

Pine-tar Geekin’

Chris
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Chris

Spotted Dick

Pioneer Skies
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Clown Question Bro

Big Jgke
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Big Jgke

Banana Stand

Bryz
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The New York Yankees, because there’s always money in the banana stand.

Anon
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Anon

Fatty Corpuscle

rambodiaz
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rambodiaz

“Besexed NotGraphs God”

Well-Beered Englishman
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Well-Beered Englishman

Well-Beered Englishman

Brian K
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Palindrome Sally

Eminor3rd
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Eminor3rd

Sally Palindrome

Grovebost1
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Grovebost1

Blastoise

olethros
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olethros

Christ’s Holy Pecker

Stoph
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Stoph

Natural Selection

Guy
Guest
Guy

Laudatory Omen

Todd
Guest
Todd

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Petroleum Special
The Devil’s Advocate
Leisured Gentleman
Hey, you going my way?
You’re with me Leather
Jigsaw
Oxy-moron
Late Night Infomercial
Clean Cut
I am the Danger
Dungeons and Dragons
Hero
Highlight Reel
Why don’t you sit out a few plays
Twitterer
Tweeter
ACL
Bunion
Six Finger

jcxy
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jcxy

i like “Hey, are you going my way?”

Mr. Smooth
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Mr. Smooth

How about, “Hello, is it me you’re looking for?”

ppabich
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ppabich

TL-DR

Quirmulous
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Quirmulous

Fuckface!

scout1222
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scout1222

Exclamation point is necessary, I presume. Accept no substitutions!

Quirmulous
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Quirmulous

You presume correctly.

jcxy
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jcxy

billy ripken

Squee
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Squee

Anal Hershiser

dp
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dp

Death by Misadventure

Mr. Observant
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Mr. Observant

Backdoor Slider. Or failing that, David Appleman High and Inside.

Dan S
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Dan S

Dorothy Mantooth

Kyle
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Oh hell yes.

SFSUGatorAlum
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SFSUGatorAlum

Drew Brees…oh damn wrong sport.

olethros
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olethros

Tom Wait’s Ashtray

David
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David

Pee Shivers

The Rajah
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The Rajah

Captain Fungo

Mr. Observant
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Mr. Observant

My Bat is Huge and it’s in My Hand

Mr. Observant
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Mr. Observant

Alphonso ‘Guinea Pants’ Bartolli

Anon
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Anon

Southern War Doe
Reassuring Extra Diner
Baffling Remark
Overdue Mob

MikeS
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MikeS

This is notgraphs. There is only one choice that makes any sense at all.

Carson Cistulli.

Quirmulous
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Quirmulous

Too obvious. It would clearly go to Eric Sogard.

Choo
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Apple of Discord

Squee
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Squee

The Stimulus Package

ComeOnBlue
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ComeOnBlue

I think that name would fit a five tool player well, someone like Andrew McCutchen for example.

Well-Beered Englishman
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Well-Beered Englishman

I hear “Weird Wuss” is taken.

BalkingHeads
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BalkingHeads

lazy susan

Jaybo Shaw
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Jaybo Shaw

The Crimson Bat
The Madison Wiener
The Besexed Eunuch
Call me, wOBA?

Kyle
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Eric Kelly

Kyle
Member

Or: Cut From Leather, Cut From Suede

degolas
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degolas

I feel that baseball and D&D should intermingle more frequently

Bigby’s Forceful Hand
Eagle’s Splendor
Evard’s Black Tentacles
Leomund’s Tiny Hut
Melf’s Acid Arrow
Phantasmal Killer
Power Word, Kill
Tenser’s Floating Disc

jessef
Guest

Magic Missle

samuelraphael
Member

The Mongolian Stomper

samuelraphael
Member

RBI Baseball

samuelraphael
Member

Flibbertigibbet

samuelraphael
Member

The Metric System

samuelraphael
Member

Tits McGee

Mr. Smooth
Guest
Mr. Smooth

Man-boobs Galore (his Bond name)

samuelraphael
Member

The Long Goodbye

Micah Stupak
Member

NotGraphs’ best feature, soon to depart? Heaven forfend! If this means more poetry, I shall cancel my subscription posthaste.

Yeager
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Yeager

Scrappy McSlaphitter

Quirmulous
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Quirmulous

Yo! MTV Raps

PrettyRicky
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PrettyRicky

Every Day’s a Hard Day
THC
Florentine Loin
War’s Dark Shadow
Local Ladykiller

reillocity
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reillocity

Raccoon Parlor Aficionado

Tam Jenkins
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Tam Jenkins

This is striking. Bryce Harper, perhaps.

samuelraphael
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Mentuhotep III

pitypablo
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pitypablo

sweet trim
old cookie
disco spider

jcxy
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jcxy

Scooby Doo
Keith Law
Mentok the Mindtaker

wpDiscuz