What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Nick Swisher did something humorous and unmentionable to the nickname “Señor Buttcheeks” and got a hearty laugh from all the cool kids. So Mr. Swisher has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
“Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
“The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
“Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
“Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
“Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
“Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
“L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter
“Señor Buttcheeks” – Nick Swisher
And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Opening Day”!
Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:
Opening Day, a day on which the sport the binds us is played without ceasing and is also, for the first time in a long time, veneered with purpose. It redeems us and makes us forget, for a fugitive afternoon and evening, that life and the stink we make of it are but preludes to eternal nothingness. Opening Day is our last vanguard against human misery.
The player who shall be nicknamed such is the last vanguard against human misery made human.
The mere sight of him delights until you remember advancing death! Just look at him! He’s Opening Day! His Topps card looks like this!:
His Topps card looks like this because he is flowery and elvish uplift.
Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:
Eddie Gaedel. Dick Allen. Mark Fidrych. Snoopy.
Guiding, Determinative Query:
What current ballplayer, because he is as joyous as Opening Day, should be nicknamed “Opening Day”?
The convention floor, which, for once, is a happy place, is open for nominations …
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