Nickname Seeks Player: “Opening Day”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Nick Swisher did something humorous and unmentionable to the nickname “Señor Buttcheeks” and got a hearty laugh from all the cool kids. So Mr. Swisher has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter
Señor Buttcheeks” – Nick Swisher

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Opening Day”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

Opening Day, a day on which the sport the binds us is played without ceasing and is also, for the first time in a long time, veneered with purpose. It redeems us and makes us forget, for a fugitive afternoon and evening, that life and the stink we make of it are but preludes to eternal nothingness. Opening Day is our last vanguard against human misery.

The player who shall be nicknamed such is the last vanguard against human misery made human.

The mere sight of him delights until you remember advancing death! Just look at him! He’s Opening Day! His Topps card looks like this!:

His Topps card looks like this because he is flowery and elvish uplift.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Eddie Gaedel. Dick Allen. Mark Fidrych. Snoopy.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current ballplayer, because he is as joyous as Opening Day, should be nicknamed “Opening Day”?

The convention floor, which, for once, is a happy place, is open for nominations …



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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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beachykeen
Member
beachykeen

Kyle Lohse? Or is that too easy?

Brian547
Member
Brian547

mike trout

Resolution
Guest
Resolution

I nominate Jim Thome. In many ways, he’s all that’s right in the world of baseball and the world at large.

zcvl1991
Member
zcvl1991

I think the convention just closed. Nailed it, man.

debater12
Member
debater12

agreed.

dp
Guest
dp

Torii Hunter. That dude is joy.

Diane
Guest

Plain and simple …. Gary Carter …

(sniff …. miss you, Gary)

therood
Member

Stephen Strasbourg seems too easy: Opening day starter, young, superhuman, the sporting icon and symbol of hope for the team in the nation’s capital.

therood
Member

Oh god, I spelled his name wrong! So much for credibility.

Chris Cwik
Member
Member

No, you’re right. If Strasburg ever suffers a catastrophic injury, the Nationals with rebuild him as a cyborg. He will then go by Stephen Strasbourg.

Ill take both datkoas!
Guest
Ill take both datkoas!

Troy Tulowitzki, talented, photogenic, shiny, dingers!

Eminor3rd
Member
Eminor3rd

CLAP, CLAP
CLAP CLAP CLAP
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP
TU-LO!

dzigga
Member
dzigga

Nick Swisher. Who else brings the joy like Swishalicious? Excellent OBP to boot.

dockmarm
Guest
dockmarm

How did we get this far without Brandon Phillips? Always smiling and bleeds baseball.

Expert Analyst
Guest
Expert Analyst

Brandon Phillips is the happiest person ever. He’s high on life, and we know this because they test his urine.

hummen
Guest
hummen

Happy and joyous? I don’t have a player but manager Ron Washington fits. “That’s the way baseball go”

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman

I feel better every day knowing Dirk Hayhurst exists. Is he eligible?

dzigga
Member
dzigga

“The mere sight of him delights until you remember advancing death!”

This seems like a line written for Mariano Rivera, the Sandman himself, the first and the last, the Alpha and the Omega.

Resolution
Guest
Resolution

We should just nickname him the Alpha and the Omega… or maybe “the Thanatos Instinct”

Darkstar
Member
Darkstar

If players nominated themselves, this guy would likely overwhelm the board with his own name – that’s how funny and joyous he thinks he is…
comment image

Although, personally, I would probably go with Omar Vizquel because honestly, isnt this exactly how we all think of him?
comment image

The hats on his head and number of wrinkles on his face may change, but that gigantic kid-like smile never goes away.

Darkstar
Member
Darkstar

oops, just remember Omar already has a nickname… This one still fits him oh so well though. Too bad

MikeS
Guest
MikeS

C’mon people!

…the last vanguard against human misery made human.

How can that be anyone except Nyjer Morgan? I challenge you to think about Nyjer Morgan and not be happy. I don’t care if he has a nickname. Or two, or three or four. Dude is crazy enough for a dozen nicknames.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman

As a Nationals fan, I can think of Nyjer Morgan and not be happy.

Noel
Guest
Noel

Yu Darvish. He is quite the whimsical fellow.

kenshin kawakami
Guest
kenshin kawakami

There is only one player: Jason Heyward. Whether or not you think he has lived/ is living up to the hype there’s no denying his 2 opening day HRs in 2 opening days. Got my fingers crossed for today!

Wordy ginters
Guest
Wordy ginters

Tony Plush.

ettin
Guest
ettin

This is easy Dayn…. A player who we always hope will have a great season but then sends us into misery: Brandon Morrow! Because even though he didn’t do well today there’s always t’morrow!

phoenix2042
Guest
phoenix2042

jamie moyer. age can’t touch the man.

Bryz
Guest

I agree. I read this quote…

The mere sight of him delights until you remember advancing death!

…and instantly thought of Moyer. Knowing he’s still around defies logic, and the only thing that will likely stop him is death.

Also, I suppose this also works with Mariano Rivera, even though he’s a Yankee…

More ellipses just for fun… …. …. … …

samuelraphael
Member

I second the nomination of J. Moyer.

Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets
Guest
Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets

Carlos Gomez … Watching him makes me think that he really enjoys playing baseball. He is also awesome on Opening Day’s

2008: 2-3, BB, 2 SB, 2 R
2009: 0-4
2010: 4-5 HR, 2B, SB, R
2011: 1-4 HR, BB, SB, R

That is 7-16 with 2 BB, 2 HR, 4 SB, and 4 R for a guy with a career .292 wOBA.

Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets
Guest
Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets

I can’t add, that is 5 R.

Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets
Guest
Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets

Becasue 2010 is supposed to be 2 R.

Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets Jr.
Guest
Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets Jr.

Derek Jeter.

Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets
Guest
Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets

1) We never bring up Derek Jeter
2) We never bring up Derek Jeter
3) Derek Jeter already has a nickname

So much to learn, son.

Illinois Glass M Michael Sheets Jr
Guest
Illinois Glass M Michael Sheets Jr

I will make you proud yet, father. Perhaps Reggie Jackson?

Choo
Member

At first I thought of Darren O’Day, as I believe O’Day is Irish for Opening Day.

Then I remembered that Frank Robinson and Ken Griffey Jr. (Opening Day and Opening Day Jr., respectively) are tied with eight opening day HR.

While confirming the previous factoid, I was reminded of Walter Johnson and his nine opening day shutouts, including one 15-inning masterpiece. Crazy!

But then my mind wandered to the bag of trail mix stashed in the bottom drawer of my office desk and I lost my train of thought.

So I vote for Micah Owings, the best hitting pitcher in baseball and just Welsh enough to be mistaken as Irish. And who doesn’t like trail mix.

Toasty
Guest
Toasty

Well, I’m convinced. Micah Owings.

samuelraphael
Member

I like Roy Halladay for this.

If it’s opening day, Roy Halladay is option 1a.

Keystone Heavy
Guest
Keystone Heavy

I don’t know if its just me and the people I know in real life, but Emilio Bonafacio seems to bring alot of joy to people by just existing. In 2009, how thrilled were we when he was on pace to hit 162 inside the park HRs? How many jokes did we make, in 2009, about how both his OBP and SLG were in jeopardy of dropping below his batting average? How hysterical have we found it humorous in the past that (maybe) the fastest runners in baseball is sentenced to struggle at a corner infield position? How many times last season in the middle of his 25 game hit streak did we see on ESPN that the streak was extended, prompting us to smile and scream at our TV “EMILIO F***IN’ BONAFACIO!” And maybe most imprtantly, how many times have we been angry at Marlins’ management that they weren’t giving Bonafacio more playing time- not because it would make them better, but because we love Emilio Bonafacio!?

But, then again, maybe its just me and the people I know.

TKDC
Member
Member
TKDC

Kaz Matsui

Dinger in his first at bat (on opening day)

Repeated the next year

(Jason Heyward also did this, but he has a nickname and I don’t think this really fits)

Nothing else remarkable about him at all

cjd1167
Member
cjd1167

Michael Young.
I dont even have a great explanation, but this just feels right to me.

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