Nickname Seeks Player: “Señor Buttcheeks”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Derek Jeter had sex with the nickname “L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” and left it a gift basket. So Mr. Jeter has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Señor Buttcheeks”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

In our little world, this name was originally applied to Jayson Werth’s former and unfortunate haircut, but the haircut has become a man, and that man may of course be someone other than Mr. Werth.

So what kind of man is Señor Buttcheeks? He is the kind of man whom, if you didn’t know his name, you might casually address as “Señor Buttcheeks.” For instance: “Hey, Señor Buttcheeks, which way to the liquor store?” Or, alternatively: “Easy, Señor Buttcheeks, that’s my street-legal ’74 Dodge Duster you’re leaning against.”

In short, Señor Buttcheeks looks like the kind of man who inspires you to call him Señor Buttcheeks.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

If I met Lenny Dykstra in person, I’m not sure I could resist calling him Señor Buttcheeks, in large part because of his dumb lips and face. Thereupon he would maul me with his beefy fists, but that likelihood is baked into my decision to call him “Señor Buttcheeks” in the first place.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current ballplayer, because he looks like he should be nicknamed “Señor Buttcheeks”, should be nicknamed “Señor Buttcheeks”?

The convention floor, which is a butt, is open for nominations …




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Bradley Woodrum
Member
Member
4 years 3 months ago

Can Yuni have two nicknames?

Nathan
Guest
Nathan
4 years 3 months ago

CC
Phil Coke
Adam Dunn

Zach Sanders
Member
Member
4 years 3 months ago

Jeremy Brown. Because we’re not selling jeans.

Kyle
Member
4 years 3 months ago

I feel like Nick Swisher is worthy or this nickname. I mean, look at him.

OtherSuccesses
Guest
OtherSuccesses
4 years 3 months ago

I somehow agree. I also feel like he’s the guy in high school that thought calling someone “Señor Buttcheeks” was just good clean comedy.

Kyle
Member
4 years 3 months ago

I also bet he runs around with his buttcheeks exposed a lot.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
4 years 3 months ago

He probably still thinks it’s good comedy.

Brandon Warne
Member
Member
4 years 3 months ago

Jose Mijares, signed, sealed, and printed.

Brandon Warne
Member
Member
4 years 3 months ago

Or delivered, as it usually is.

Todd
Guest
Todd
4 years 3 months ago

Most of my answers are invalid – stars from the past – Cecil Fielder’s badonkadonk had 2 zip codes

Brandon Warne
Member
Member
4 years 3 months ago

Oh, so THAT’s why he’s not permitted to leave the county.

Aaron
Guest
Aaron
4 years 3 months ago

Brett Wallace or Billy Butler

hifilofi
Guest
hifilofi
4 years 3 months ago

Jonny Gomes Jonny Gomes Jonny Gomes

hifilofi
Guest
hifilofi
4 years 3 months ago

Brett Wallace is clearly “The Walrus” Billy Butler is “Beanbagz” and Jonny Gomes is clearly Senor Buttcheeks…

hifilofi
Guest
hifilofi
4 years 3 months ago

more compelling evidence…

samuelraphael
Member
4 years 3 months ago

Eescuse me Saynor Buttcheeks, I was just admiring your power.

Gomes is the guy.

Miles
Guest
Miles
4 years 3 months ago

Delmon Young

al
Guest
al
4 years 3 months ago

Carlos Lee

MH
Guest
MH
4 years 3 months ago

This was my first instinct.

Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets
Guest
Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets
4 years 3 months ago

Why put an end to “El Caballo”?

Bryz
Guest
4 years 3 months ago

I think stating the convention floor is a poop deck would have worked better.

I vote for Phil Dumatrait.

PhilXC
Member
PhilXC
4 years 3 months ago

Miguel Cabrera

Dan
Guest
Dan
4 years 3 months ago

Rod Barajas. Next question.

Tom
Guest
Tom
4 years 3 months ago

It’s gotta be someone prone to criticism for having his head up his own ass ….. and by that criteria, Manny would seem to fit. But since his “current” status is in flux, I nominate Colby Rasmus.

bcarsley22
Member
bcarsley22
4 years 3 months ago
Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
4 years 3 months ago

Wow, so many good nominees for this one.

The Ted, Section 437
Guest
The Ted, Section 437
4 years 3 months ago

Barry Zito. Gotta go with my first reaction.

Nevin
Guest
Nevin
4 years 3 months ago

Carlos Zambrano.

http://tinyurl.com/75yymcq

DD
Guest
DD
4 years 3 months ago

Now we’re talking.

Noel
Guest
Noel
4 years 3 months ago

Easy…Kevin Youklis

Bryan
Guest
4 years 3 months ago

This was my first thought too. Swisher makes a lot of sense, and Jered Weaver might be a darkhorse.

MH
Guest
MH
4 years 3 months ago

A little out of a field that’s not left field but is still a strange field to be out of: Andre Ethier….”Stop complaining about Matt Kemp’s extension and hit some baseballs Señor Buttcheeks!”

ettin
Guest
ettin
4 years 3 months ago

Tyler Clippard

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
4 years 3 months ago

This is more or less the least apt possible nomination.

Mutt
Guest
4 years 3 months ago

Yovani “Señor Buttcheeks” Gallardo. Has a nice cadence to it…

Peculiarly Peculiar
Guest
Peculiarly Peculiar
4 years 3 months ago

Jose Molina

beachykeen
Member
beachykeen
4 years 3 months ago

Dan Haren

Nerds of Summer
Guest
4 years 3 months ago

How has no one suggested Albert Pujols yet?

Expert Analyst
Guest
Expert Analyst
4 years 3 months ago

In the tradition of the noble knight-errant, I wish to nominate Josh Hamilton. For obvious reasons.

samuelraphael
Member
4 years 3 months ago

A. Rodriguez

Dave
Member
Member
Dave
4 years 3 months ago

+1 to Brett Wallace.

Melky Cabrera.

Redlegs11
Guest
Redlegs11
4 years 3 months ago

Francisco Cordero?

kenshin kawakami
Guest
kenshin kawakami
4 years 3 months ago

Brian Wilson for the following reasons:
1. Upon meeting him it is impossible to call him Mr. anything with a straight face.
2. Buttcheeks. He has Buttcheeks.

robertobeers
Member
robertobeers
4 years 3 months ago

Ryan Doumit

Nolan
Guest
Nolan
4 years 3 months ago

I would go with Billingsley. That dude has child-bearing hips if I’ve ever seen them.

Choo
Member
4 years 2 months ago

George Sherrill’s hips have born many a child already.

dborghardt6
Member
dborghardt6
4 years 3 months ago

Carlos Zambrano, Jose Mijares or Dennys Reyes (Reyes has to win this come on)

samuelraphael
Member
4 years 3 months ago

I like Dennys Reyes.

Zambrano is definitely a contender.

“Sorry to disturb you, Señor Buttcheeks.”

Jack
Guest
Jack
4 years 3 months ago

Pablo Sandoval
Has (large) buttcheeks
Native Spanish Speaker
Among the most interesting players without a nickname.

dan
Guest
dan
4 years 3 months ago

kung fu panda?

Jack
Guest
Jack
4 years 3 months ago

Without a Notgraphs approved nickname. Besides, he could be, in full, Pablo ‘Senor Kung Fu Panda Buttcheeks’ Sandoval.

illinibob
Guest
illinibob
4 years 3 months ago

C. J. Wilson. Because it would piss him off.

Uncle Remus
Guest
Uncle Remus
4 years 3 months ago

Matsusaka shakes his behind before every pitch

Nerds of Summer
Guest
4 years 3 months ago

You can say the same about Johan Santana.

MDL
Member
MDL
4 years 3 months ago

A myriad of excellent nominations! I support Nick Swisher, Jonny Gomes, Brian Wilson, and Dennys Reyes… and CJ Wilson

Yeah
Guest
Yeah
4 years 3 months ago

Yunel Escobar comes to mind.

MikeS
Guest
MikeS
4 years 3 months ago

Since all modern nicknames are first initial-first syllable of last name, can we shorten this to “S-Butt?”

bdawg
Guest
bdawg
4 years 3 months ago

Bartolo Colon!

End of discussion.

bdawg
Guest
bdawg
4 years 3 months ago

And the spanish “Senor” make perfect sense

Toasty
Guest
Toasty
4 years 3 months ago

I support the Gomes nomination.

Lenard
Member
Member
Lenard
4 years 3 months ago

Can we just save this one for Harper’s MLB debut?

Beasy Bee
Guest
Beasy Bee
4 years 3 months ago

Brendan Ryan

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