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Nickname Seeks Player: “Señor Buttcheeks”

Posted By Dayn Perry On March 22, 2012 @ 11:52 am In Nickname Seeks Player | 62 Comments

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Derek Jeter had sex with the nickname “L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” and left it a gift basket. So Mr. Jeter has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
Gomez’s Hamburger” – Mark Hamburger
Advanced Dungeons & Dragons” – R.A. Dickey
L’homme Qui Aimait les Femmes” – Derek Jeter

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Señor Buttcheeks”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

In our little world, this name was originally applied to Jayson Werth’s former and unfortunate haircut, but the haircut has become a man, and that man may of course be someone other than Mr. Werth.

So what kind of man is Señor Buttcheeks? He is the kind of man whom, if you didn’t know his name, you might casually address as “Señor Buttcheeks.” For instance: “Hey, Señor Buttcheeks, which way to the liquor store?” Or, alternatively: “Easy, Señor Buttcheeks, that’s my street-legal ’74 Dodge Duster you’re leaning against.”

In short, Señor Buttcheeks looks like the kind of man who inspires you to call him Señor Buttcheeks.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

If I met Lenny Dykstra in person, I’m not sure I could resist calling him Señor Buttcheeks, in large part because of his dumb lips and face. Thereupon he would maul me with his beefy fists, but that likelihood is baked into my decision to call him “Señor Buttcheeks” in the first place.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current ballplayer, because he looks like he should be nicknamed “Señor Buttcheeks”, should be nicknamed “Señor Buttcheeks”?

The convention floor, which is a butt, is open for nominations …


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