Nickname Seeks Player: “Soft Corinthian Leather”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Dan Uggla was lushly rewarded with the nickname “Stainless Steel Meat Hammer.” So Mr. Uggla has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Soft Corinthian Leather”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

There is “soft corinthian leather,” and then there is “Soft Corinthian Leather.” The latter is what becomes of the former when Ricardo Montalbon turns the phrase and in doing so makes love to the listener:

So the player whom we shall name “Soft Corinthian Leather” is the kind of man whose essence or perhaps shorn hide could be used to appoint a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba. He is the kind of man upon whom Ricardo Montalbon would sit and then bask in the priceless confidence that comes from having sat on Soft Corinthian Leather.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

This player has good skin — skin of the quality, texture and sexual luxury necessary to upholster the sliding bench seats of a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba. Like Scott Erickson or Mike Piazza. Or unlike Boileryard Clarke or Hank Sauer. This is also the kind of player who, it seems, wouldn’t at all mind being an aftermarket addition to the 1975 Chrysler Cordoba, even if it meant a painful demise in a Michigan tannery. Like, say, Hawk Harrelson:

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player, because he is his essence, should be nicknamed “Soft Corinthian Leather”?

The convention floor, which is found in the Grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn Express out by the airport, is open for nominations …

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43 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Player: “Soft Corinthian Leather””

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  1. bcarsley22 says:

    Grady Sizemore

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  2. EVB says:

    Juan Castro

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  3. Kenny says:

    Vizquel. No question.

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  4. Todd says:

    Easy – Sixto Lezcano – game over

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  5. Kyle says:

    I’ll go with Cliff Lee, for the suave way he fields baseballs and declines to waste time running out routine ground balls.

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  6. Jeremy says:

    Andrew McCutchen

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  7. Jennifer says:

    I nominate Carlos Beltran and his waxed eyebrows/forearms.

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  8. Bart says:

    Please…. this HAS to be Arod.

    – Arod is soft. Like a flower, or a pillow, or… Corinthian Leather.
    – He loves fancy things… VERY fancy things.
    – His skin resembles the supple tones of the finest Corinthian Leather
    – He is a pussy

    I could go on all day. This is Arod. Hand down.

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  9. SAmmy says:

    Bobby Abreu

    Doughy, Chops, Afraid of Walls, Luxury Item, Performs like a Used Cordoba

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  10. SAmmy says:

    Honourable Mention to the retired Esteban Loazia.

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  11. therood says:

    Being something of a car guy, I know that any American car from about 1973-1982ish (aka the Malaise Era) was basically an underpowered and overpriced turd. And putting “Corinthian leather” in one was the act of polishing the aforementioned nugget (“Corinthian leather” itself is a fictitious thing).

    With that in mind, I see the player in question as being a finely regarded and highly paid but with fictitious positive attributes. He is an item of not-quite-actual-luxury.

    So I’ll vote Ryan Howard.

    Additional reading:

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  12. Nik says:

    Justin Smoak

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  13. Yeager says:

    Pat Burrell

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    • Jack says:

      Honestly, if Burrell weren’t retired, he’d deserve about half the names on this list, but this one would be especially fitting.

      But I’m going to have to agree with the Verlander submission.

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  14. olethros says:

    Does JD Drew still count as active? He hasn’t made it official yet, has he?

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  15. kenshin kawakami says:

    I second Ryan Howard.

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  16. Switters says:

    I agree with Kenny re: Omar Vizquel …

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  17. Adrastus Perkins says:

    My first thought was that this player must be the antithesis of $45 Couch, aka Yuni.

    Because of this, I’m going to have to go with Elvis Andrus.

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  18. ichabod says:

    Jacoby Ellsbury.

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  19. Ill take both datkoas! says:

    Allthough it just screams Jeter/Arod

    I would nominate Ryan Braun, smooth game, smooth man other than the whole drugs thing.

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  20. Keystone Heavy says:

    “This player has good skin — skin of the quality, texture and sexual luxury necessary to upholster the sliding bench seats of a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba.”

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  21. Erik Archer says:

    Marty Cordova owns the patent on this. What? Rules? Oh, fine, Barry Zito.

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