Nickname Seeks Player: “Soft Corinthian Leather”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Dan Uggla was lushly rewarded with the nickname “Stainless Steel Meat Hammer.” So Mr. Uggla has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Soft Corinthian Leather”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

There is “soft corinthian leather,” and then there is “Soft Corinthian Leather.” The latter is what becomes of the former when Ricardo Montalbon turns the phrase and in doing so makes love to the listener:

So the player whom we shall name “Soft Corinthian Leather” is the kind of man whose essence or perhaps shorn hide could be used to appoint a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba. He is the kind of man upon whom Ricardo Montalbon would sit and then bask in the priceless confidence that comes from having sat on Soft Corinthian Leather.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

This player has good skin — skin of the quality, texture and sexual luxury necessary to upholster the sliding bench seats of a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba. Like Scott Erickson or Mike Piazza. Or unlike Boileryard Clarke or Hank Sauer. This is also the kind of player who, it seems, wouldn’t at all mind being an aftermarket addition to the 1975 Chrysler Cordoba, even if it meant a painful demise in a Michigan tannery. Like, say, Hawk Harrelson:

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player, because he is his essence, should be nicknamed “Soft Corinthian Leather”?

The convention floor, which is found in the Grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn Express out by the airport, is open for nominations …




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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bcarsley22
Member
bcarsley22
4 years 7 months ago

Grady Sizemore

EVB
Guest
EVB
4 years 7 months ago

Juan Castro

Kenny
Guest
Kenny
4 years 7 months ago

Vizquel. No question.

Yirmiyahu
Member
4 years 7 months ago

Yes, indeed. Not only is he a sexual dynamo, but “Soft Corinthian Leather” additionally refers to the exquisite quality of his glove. And to the fact that he is carefully aged like a fine wine or cheese or scotch.

We can go home now, right?

HitTheCutoff
Guest
HitTheCutoff
4 years 7 months ago

It’s not a 1975 Cordoba, but this is a man who knows style.

Todd
Guest
Todd
4 years 7 months ago

Easy – Sixto Lezcano – game over

Kyle
Member
4 years 7 months ago

I’ll go with Cliff Lee, for the suave way he fields baseballs and declines to waste time running out routine ground balls.

Yirmiyahu
Member
4 years 7 months ago

Mr. Justin Verlander

scout1222
Guest
scout1222
4 years 7 months ago

That is an excellent exhibit for your submission.

steex
Member
steex
4 years 7 months ago

My first thought as well, this has to be Justin Verlander. Plus, he has the on-field game to match.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
4 years 7 months ago

Oh my goodness.

Jeremy
Guest
Jeremy
4 years 7 months ago

Andrew McCutchen

Jennifer
Guest
Jennifer
4 years 7 months ago

I nominate Carlos Beltran and his waxed eyebrows/forearms.

DD
Guest
DD
4 years 7 months ago

Excellent choice.

K2
Guest
K2
4 years 7 months ago

Nice!

cecilcoop
Guest
cecilcoop
4 years 7 months ago

i googled “carlos beltran waxed”–and even “carlos beltran waxed arms”–and found nothing… which, to me, means there is a dearth of articles on the waxing habits of players, or beltran does not wax his arms!!

Jennifer
Guest
Jennifer
4 years 7 months ago
Bart
Guest
Bart
4 years 7 months ago

Please…. this HAS to be Arod.

– Arod is soft. Like a flower, or a pillow, or… Corinthian Leather.
– He loves fancy things… VERY fancy things.
– His skin resembles the supple tones of the finest Corinthian Leather
– He is a pussy

I could go on all day. This is Arod. Hand down.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
4 years 7 months ago

Well one of these reasons is valid.

Daniel Lyons
Guest
Daniel Lyons
4 years 7 months ago

Yeah, I’d have to go with A-Rod for all those reasons.

ettin
Guest
ettin
4 years 7 months ago

Jeter?

MDL
Member
MDL
4 years 7 months ago

Agreed, this reeks of Jeter.

SAmmy
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

Bobby Abreu

Doughy, Chops, Afraid of Walls, Luxury Item, Performs like a Used Cordoba

D
Guest
D
4 years 7 months ago

I feel like “Doughy Chops” should just be his nickname.

scout1222
Guest
scout1222
4 years 7 months ago

If not his, that should be the next Nickname Seeks Player!

SAmmy
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

Honourable Mention to the retired Esteban Loazia.

therood
Member
4 years 7 months ago

Being something of a car guy, I know that any American car from about 1973-1982ish (aka the Malaise Era) was basically an underpowered and overpriced turd. And putting “Corinthian leather” in one was the act of polishing the aforementioned nugget (“Corinthian leather” itself is a fictitious thing).

With that in mind, I see the player in question as being a finely regarded and highly paid but with fictitious positive attributes. He is an item of not-quite-actual-luxury.

So I’ll vote Ryan Howard.

Additional reading:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corinthian_leather
http://www.thetruthaboutcars.com/2011/05/what-about-the-malaise-era-more-specifically-what-about-this-1979-ford-granada/

ben w
Guest
ben w
4 years 7 months ago

as i was reading this and swore you were going to suggest carl crawford!

ben w
Guest
ben w
4 years 7 months ago

…this i*…

RationalSportsFan
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

Todd Coffey

Nik
Guest
Nik
4 years 7 months ago

Justin Smoak

Yeager
Guest
Yeager
4 years 7 months ago

Pat Burrell

Jack
Guest
Jack
4 years 7 months ago

Honestly, if Burrell weren’t retired, he’d deserve about half the names on this list, but this one would be especially fitting.

But I’m going to have to agree with the Verlander submission.

olethros
Guest
olethros
4 years 7 months ago

Does JD Drew still count as active? He hasn’t made it official yet, has he?

kenshin kawakami
Guest
kenshin kawakami
4 years 7 months ago

I second Ryan Howard.

Switters
Member
Switters
4 years 7 months ago

I agree with Kenny re: Omar Vizquel …

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2533602

Adrastus Perkins
Guest
Adrastus Perkins
4 years 7 months ago

My first thought was that this player must be the antithesis of $45 Couch, aka Yuni.

Because of this, I’m going to have to go with Elvis Andrus.

ichabod
Guest
ichabod
4 years 7 months ago

Jacoby Ellsbury.

Ill take both datkoas!
Guest
Ill take both datkoas!
4 years 7 months ago

Allthough it just screams Jeter/Arod

I would nominate Ryan Braun, smooth game, smooth man other than the whole drugs thing.

Keystone Heavy
Guest
Keystone Heavy
4 years 7 months ago

“This player has good skin — skin of the quality, texture and sexual luxury necessary to upholster the sliding bench seats of a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba.”

Bradley Woodrum
Member
Member
4 years 7 months ago

[Japanese words]

[Japanese words]

SEX[Japanese word]

[Japanese words]

Erik Archer
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

Marty Cordova owns the patent on this. What? Rules? Oh, fine, Barry Zito.

Nathan
Guest
Nathan
4 years 7 months ago
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