What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Nyjer Morgan laid authoritative claim to the nickname “Dionysus with Rabies“. So Mr. Morgan has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
“Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “The Call Is Coming From Inside the House”!
Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:
This, of course, is a nod and curtsy to the old horror-movie plot device, and the upshot is that this player should scare the shit out of children, pretty virgins and domesticated animals with a preternatural sense of mounting danger. It can be because his base-and-ball skills are so otherworldly as to harrow, or it can be because something about him makes you believe that a remorseless killer lives within.
Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:
Willie Mays had base-and-ball chops that could potentially frighten the compromised of heart. Hal Chase, I feel certain, once murdered someone on a train or in a wheat field. As a child, I once had a bad dream about Bo Diaz. Ryan Duren threw hard, wore glasses and was often drunk. And does anyone really doubt that Chad Curtis still roams the darkened streets at night, blood-flecked cargo hook at the ready, looking for his next victim?
Guiding, Determinative Query:
What current major-league player, because he will one day kill you in a dank basement ‘neath the ominous, metronomic sway of a single light bulb, should be nicknamed “The Call Is Coming From Inside the House”?
The convention floor, which is filled with murdered babysitters, is open for nominations …
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