Nickname Seeks Player: “The Call Is Coming From Inside the House”

What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Nyjer Morgan laid authoritative claim to the nickname “Dionysus with Rabies“. So Mr. Morgan has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan

And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “The Call Is Coming From Inside the House”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

This, of course, is a nod and curtsy to the old horror-movie plot device, and the upshot is that this player should scare the shit out of children, pretty virgins and domesticated animals with a preternatural sense of mounting danger. It can be because his base-and-ball skills are so otherworldly as to harrow, or it can be because something about him makes you believe that a remorseless killer lives within.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Willie Mays had base-and-ball chops that could potentially frighten the compromised of heart. Hal Chase, I feel certain, once murdered someone on a train or in a wheat field. As a child, I once had a bad dream about Bo Diaz. Ryan Duren threw hard, wore glasses and was often drunk. And does anyone really doubt that Chad Curtis still roams the darkened streets at night, blood-flecked cargo hook at the ready, looking for his next victim?

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player, because he will one day kill you in a dank basement ‘neath the ominous, metronomic sway of a single light bulb, should be nicknamed “The Call Is Coming From Inside the House”?

The convention floor, which is filled with murdered babysitters, is open for nominations …




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Resolution
Guest
Resolution
4 years 7 months ago

Since it conjures images of serial killers, I figure the nomination has to be white. That being said, Ryan Ludwick has a good mugshot for a serial killer, a good name for it, and given his mediocre performance, easily fades out of the collective conscious….until he strikes….

Todd
Guest
Todd
4 years 7 months ago

Jason Motte
Brian Wilson
Joel Zumaya
John Axford

TartanElk
Guest
TartanElk
4 years 7 months ago

Eric Sogard. Look at his player picture on MLB.com and tell me little children wouldn’t be scared of that.

That or Brad Penny. Penny looks like he’d be a serial killer.

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
4 years 7 months ago

Brad Penny dates too many hot women to be that mad at the world.

shamus mcfitzy
Member
shamus mcfitzy
4 years 7 months ago

Ted Bundy got the ladies, too.

Mike B
Guest
Mike B
4 years 7 months ago

Derek Holland. It’s the mustache.

Bradley Woodrum
Member
Member
4 years 7 months ago

I wish Elijah Dukes was still a “current” baseball player. :(

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
4 years 7 months ago

Several previous winners, especially Carlos Zambrano, Kyle Farnsworth, and Livan Hernandez, fit this description all too well. That’s why I think an ironic pick like Sogard is the way forward.

Oh…….

…or K-Rod

MH
Guest
MH
4 years 7 months ago

Jeff Francoeur has those dreamy psycho-killer eyes….then again in those movies its always someone you’d least expect, someone kinda quiet and unassuming. Kelly Johnson?

therood
Member
4 years 7 months ago

Brent Lillibridge.

It’s always the quiet one you least suspect.

Carson Cistulli
Admin
Member
4 years 7 months ago

Royals prospect John Lamb has the most frightening profile photos, I think. He’s largely hairless and has pock marks on his skin that suggest a history of violence and/or a future of violence.

Blert: https://www.google.com/search?q=john+lamb&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=O5UdT_jLOuTK2AWh36T5Cw&biw=1024&bih=485&sei=PpUdT7eFOqiI2gW65PDRCw#um=1&hl=en&safe=off&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=john+lamb+royals&pbx=1&oq=john+lamb+royals&aq=f&aqi=g-S1&aql=&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=46554l48166l0l48425l7l7l0l4l4l1l346l880l2-1.2l3l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.,cf.osb&fp=5a038481196319bd&biw=1024&bih=485

Kyle
Member
4 years 7 months ago

It puts the lotion in the basket!

TartanElk
Guest
TartanElk
4 years 7 months ago

Link shortening websites do exist, Carson.

Bryz
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

Carson does not enjoy conforming to your society’s norms.

Bluebird in Boulder
Guest
Bluebird in Boulder
4 years 7 months ago

Jon Rauch.

Kyle
Member
4 years 7 months ago

Yeah. Good call.

Bryz
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

Thirded.

siggian
Guest
siggian
4 years 7 months ago

This

noel
Guest
noel
4 years 7 months ago

Too bad Ugueth Urbina is no longer active. Or is that too much to the point?

steex
Member
steex
4 years 7 months ago

Man, I wish James Houser was on a roster. He not only has the unsuspecting serial killer look, he also brings a little bit of terrible Chris Berman to the nickname – James “The Call Is Coming from Inside the” Houser.

reillocity
Guest
reillocity
4 years 7 months ago

If more than six of the twenty-two NotGraphs readers were over 30, it would actually be a great idea for one of the authors to make up awful Bermanesque nicknames for modern-day players.

Just imagine … “Jerry ‘Like’ Sands ‘Through the Hourglass, So are the Days of Our Lives’ smashes a double to left center off of Evan ‘Bartleby, The’ Scribner scoring DeWayne ‘Early to Bed, Early to’ Wise all the way from first ….”

Excrement, there’s even a second generation of John Mayberry “RFD” to work with now.

steex
Member
steex
4 years 7 months ago

A Herman Melville reference in a baseball nickname? I think you may have just won the internet.

TheGrandslamwich
Member
TheGrandslamwich
4 years 7 months ago

And here I was just about to recommend a new nickname for Pat “Moby Dick” Burrell.

DD
Guest
DD
4 years 7 months ago

Zack Grienke, yet again, is a worthy option.

ettin
Guest
ettin
4 years 7 months ago

Base and Ball Skills = Albert Pujols

Remorseless Killer = Unshaven Jose Bautista

filihok
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

Joey Bats also has some base and ball skills.

And I slightly murderous nickname.

Still, I can’t even convince myself he’s the best answer. Maybe ’cause he’s already Joey Bats

Thelonious
Guest
Thelonious
4 years 7 months ago

Alex Rodriguez, in a Christian Bale-American Psycho kind of way.

TheGrandslamwich
Member
TheGrandslamwich
4 years 7 months ago

Ryan Braun. Those bug-eyes creep me out.

(nothing to do with his current controversy)

Eminor3rd
Guest
Eminor3rd
4 years 7 months ago

I second John Lamb

Harmon Clayton
Guest
Harmon Clayton
4 years 7 months ago

Brent Lillibridge and Jamey Carroll, as far as leprechauns have been situated within the horror genre.

And, Shaun Marcum, being a killer in-house who waited until the most opportune time to accelerate a collapse.

buffalobuffalobuffalo
Guest
buffalobuffalobuffalo
4 years 7 months ago

Raul Ibanez, for all the obvious reasons.

Greg
Guest
Greg
4 years 7 months ago

Barry Zito
See the following:

Fun giants related image right?
Look in the car behind them. Yeah.
Also, Zito isn’t just in your house, he’s in your head:
?t=1304481547

dj
Guest
dj
4 years 7 months ago

Ryan Doumit. Those eyes, man.

Steve the Pirate
Guest
Steve the Pirate
4 years 7 months ago

They do look rather Satanic. His defense is pretty awful as well.

Nevin
Guest
Nevin
4 years 7 months ago

Lincecum.
The herky-jerky way of moving, the heavy-lidded sullen expression, the lank hair…

bcarsley22
Member
bcarsley22
4 years 7 months ago

Vincente Padilla. That is all.

beachykeen
Member
beachykeen
4 years 7 months ago

Mike Stanton.

bstar
Member
bstar
4 years 7 months ago

Heartily seconded. Mike Stanton, murderer of baseballs. The guy’s the most physically imposing figure in a batter’s box since Dave Winfield.

TartanElk
Guest
TartanElk
4 years 7 months ago

Alexi Ogando. Man has the grizzled face of a veteran killer.

adohaj
Guest
adohaj
4 years 7 months ago

Kevin Youkilis

Frank
Guest
Frank
4 years 7 months ago

Clay Bucholz

Erik Archer
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

Jon Rauch or Jayson Werth

olethros
Guest
olethros
4 years 7 months ago

Derek Jeter. No one gets to be that self-assured without regularly bathing in the blood of infants. And possibly using their skins as condoms.

Fausto Carmona
Guest
Fausto Carmona
4 years 7 months ago

Hey, why don’t I get a nickname?

Dave
Guest
Dave
4 years 7 months ago

You did. ‘Fausto Carmona’!

Yirmiyahu
Member
4 years 7 months ago

That’s a pretty awesome nickname too.

Colonel Mutt
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

Lyle Overbay. He appears to be the type that would drive a plain white paneled Ford Econoline near playgrounds and schoolyards.

nubillybaroo
Guest
nubillybaroo
4 years 7 months ago

Kyle Farnsworth – because of everything.

His name sounds like a prison, too.

Adrastus Perkins
Member
4 years 7 months ago

I am convinced Erick Aybar is a zombie. Not sure if that fits this nickname, but it’s probably as close as we’ll get.

Proof: http://bit.ly/AnKOHw

Toasty
Guest
Toasty
4 years 7 months ago

Pudge Rodriguez

Exhibit A: http://upthear.se/abj
Exhibit B: http://upthear.se/abk
Exhibit C: http://upthear.se/abl

Joel
Guest
Joel
4 years 7 months ago

Is it possible to nominate Haito (“this one’s for mommy!!”) from Rookie of the Year? That guy used to/still does haunt my dreams.

If not, Mike Stanton.

Yirmiyahu
Member
4 years 7 months ago

Adrian Gonzalez looks like Satan.

Ben
Guest
Ben
4 years 7 months ago

No, he looks like Wario.

Jennifer
Guest
Jennifer
4 years 7 months ago

Henry Blanco!

Kyle Lobner
Guest
4 years 7 months ago

I’ll second an earlier nomination for Francisco Rodriguez.

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