Nickname Seeks Player: “Turbaconducken”

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of a noble knight-errant, is to assign cool nicknames to players rather than indulge in the tired, lamewad paradigm of assigning cool players nicknames. Before we launch the latest installment, however, a trip through our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling. …

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré

And the nickname now available for purchase? It’s “Turbaconducken”!

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

Obviously, this is in honor of the holiday devoted to three of the seven deadly sins: gluttony, sloth and Dallas Cowboys football. And that brings us to Turbaconducken. A pleasing mash-up of delicious fowl and piggies from Disney movies or uniquely American abomination?

In baseball terms, is it a player who boasts a combination of skills and bestowals that was previously unimaginable, like, say, Babe Ruth? Or is it a player who is so awful at so many things that he induces dry heaves in the discriminating fan, like, say, Marv Throneberry? He is either very good or very bad, depending upon how you, the Thanksgiven reader, feel about Turbaconducken. And that’s why the blast field of the forthcoming nomination process figures to be wide and awful to behold.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

I’ve already given you Babe Ruth and Marv Throneberry. Another possibility is a player who looks like he would be delicious if wrapped in bacon and served as a main course. Jeff Juden, for instance. Or Rich Garces.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Turbaconducken”?!

The convention floor, which is filled with innards and Episcopalian landowners (but, as of yet, not the innards of Episcopalian landowners), is open for nominations …

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45 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Player: “Turbaconducken””

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  1. bcarsley22 says:

    Ty Wigginton.

    +5 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Me says:

    John Lackey

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  3. Travis Snider says:


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  4. Your Mom says:

    CC Sabathia all the way.

    His listed weight of 290 is clearly a joke, yet he pitches like a champ.

    Additionally, he would look good wrapped in bacon and would feed any size family/everyone in the World.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Nik says:

    Is it Turbaconducken as the headline reads or Turducken as the second last paragraph shows?

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  6. Nathan says:

    Bartolo Colon.

    Then again, Bartolo Colon already feels like a hilariously appropriate nickname.

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  7. kenshin kawakami says:

    Dan Uggla

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  8. Jack says:

    If managers can be selected, Joe Maddon. His name is homophonic to John Madden. John Madden is a Turducken, bacon makes everything better and Joe Maddon is better than John Madden. QED

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    • reillocity says:

      I’m surprised that a person of John Madden’s age would find Joe Maddon’s name that offensive.

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    • B N says:

      Hey man, if you saw how many times John Madden was putting his arm around him, you might get a little homophonic too!

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  9. I am great with bacon and I follow an appropriately tryptophan-heavy training regimen.

    I also recommend Todd Coffey for dessert.

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  10. TheYellowSlant says:

    David Wells, why oh why are you retired?

    I’m gonna nominate Stephen Strasburg. Every meat of the turbacoducken is just a pitch in his arsenal. Feel free to argue over which is which.

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  11. Frank says:

    Alfonso Soriano

    Both are Intriguing.
    Both have extremely high upside.
    Both are 4 tool players.
    Both are nearly impossible to manage.
    Both should never bat leadoff.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. gnomez says:

    to riff off Frank,

    Colby Rasmus

    Both are intriguing.
    Both are 4 tool players.
    Both are nearly impossible to manage.
    Neither registers human intelligence.
    While at first seeming like a good idea, both end up leaving one with a bad aftertaste and heartburn,

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. danny woytek says:

    Do famous minor leaguers count?
    Jeremy Brown?

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  14. ettin says:

    Well if you are talking a true 5-tool player you would go with Mike Trout!

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  15. Greg W says:

    Felix Pie. Because who doesn’t want to eat Turbaconducken Pie?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  16. Marc Iannacone says:

    Adam Dunn. Not only does he eat all those things in one mouthful, but one could assume that his goose is cooked.

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  17. Tinkle says:

    Vernon Wells

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  18. TK says:

    Jason Motte

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  19. SAmmy says:

    Much respect to the retired Ray King

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  20. matt51306 says:

    JD Drew, who betrays his rare talents by playing like a turkey. I wouldn’t be surprised if he spends the majority of his injury time time off the field hunting various fowl.

    Also, this:

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  21. Carl the Genius says:

    John Kruk, obviously.

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  22. Mac says:

    Wow, lot of people focusing on the good. But let’s face it, the Turbaconducken will most likely come out awful. And if it’s awful you want, there’s really only one option:

    Yuniesky Betancourt

    Here’s a little Posnanski refresher for you on the subject:

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  23. Table says:

    please people, be more creative than just naming fat players. The Turbaconducken means so much MORE than that. Can anyone recall a player who was perhaps inside of another player…inside of another player…….inside of another player?

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  24. Table says:

    If only Paul Lo Duca were still playing.

    He’s a hated former Dodger inside, of a Dodger fan favorite, inside of a steroid dealer, inside of a career minor leaguer.

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    • Table says:

      plus he must be italian, and if a Turbaconducken needs anything, it’s olive oil drenched mozzarella stuffing!

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  25. Patrick says:

    Jorge Posada.

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