Nickname Seeks Player: “Turbaconducken”
Our ongoing quest, in the manner of a noble knight-errant, is to assign cool nicknames to players rather than indulge in the tired, lamewad paradigm of assigning cool players nicknames. Before we launch the latest installment, however, a trip through our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling. …
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
And the nickname now available for purchase? It’s “Turbaconducken”!
Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:
Obviously, this is in honor of the holiday devoted to three of the seven deadly sins: gluttony, sloth and Dallas Cowboys football. And that brings us to Turbaconducken. A pleasing mash-up of delicious fowl and piggies from Disney movies or uniquely American abomination?
In baseball terms, is it a player who boasts a combination of skills and bestowals that was previously unimaginable, like, say, Babe Ruth? Or is it a player who is so awful at so many things that he induces dry heaves in the discriminating fan, like, say, Marv Throneberry? He is either very good or very bad, depending upon how you, the Thanksgiven reader, feel about Turbaconducken. And that’s why the blast field of the forthcoming nomination process figures to be wide and awful to behold.
Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:
I’ve already given you Babe Ruth and Marv Throneberry. Another possibility is a player who looks like he would be delicious if wrapped in bacon and served as a main course. Jeff Juden, for instance. Or Rich Garces.
Guiding, Determinative Query:
What current major-league player should be nicknamed “Turbaconducken”?!
The convention floor, which is filled with innards and Episcopalian landowners (but, as of yet, not the innards of Episcopalian landowners), is open for nominations …
Ty Wigginton.
Seconded. My first thought as well.
I like it!
John Lackey
No, Lackey would be TurbodogDuckhuntChicken, or something to that effect.
Dibs.
Seconded. “Meats don’t clash” indeed.
And a source for the journalistically rigorous among you: http://www.postcity.com/Post-City-Magazines/June-2009/Nacho-nacho-man/
CC Sabathia all the way.
His listed weight of 290 is clearly a joke, yet he pitches like a champ.
Additionally, he would look good wrapped in bacon and would feed any size family/everyone in the World.
Is it Turbaconducken as the headline reads or Turducken as the second last paragraph shows?
It is “Turbaconducken.” Oversight corrected.
Bartolo Colon.
Then again, Bartolo Colon already feels like a hilariously appropriate nickname.
+1′d
Prince Fielder, who is not a vegetarian, btw.
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Did-St-Louis-BBQ-slay-vegetarian-Prince-Fielder?urn=mlb-wp24815
Seconded
He already won a nickname.
aw, crap. I forgot. I didn’t vote for him on that one.
To go in a completely different direction: Chone Figgins.
He can do a little of everything, but is good for nothing.
Or just nominate the Terrible Utility Player of your choice.
Dan Uggla
If managers can be selected, Joe Maddon. His name is homophonic to John Madden. John Madden is a Turducken, bacon makes everything better and Joe Maddon is better than John Madden. QED
I’m surprised that a person of John Madden’s age would find Joe Maddon’s name that offensive.
Hey man, if you saw how many times John Madden was putting his arm around him, you might get a little homophonic too!
I am great with bacon and I follow an appropriately tryptophan-heavy training regimen.
I also recommend Todd Coffey for dessert.
Also, I am deeply dissatisfied with my current NG nickname.
You have your nickname. Let the other kids have a chance now.
Dennys Reyes. Look at that face. http://cdn.sportsoverdose.com/thumbs/dennys-reyes-59-mlb.jpg
David Wells, why oh why are you retired?
I’m gonna nominate Stephen Strasburg. Every meat of the turbacoducken is just a pitch in his arsenal. Feel free to argue over which is which.
Alfonso Soriano
Both are Intriguing.
Both have extremely high upside.
Both are 4 tool players.
Both are nearly impossible to manage.
Both should never bat leadoff.
to riff off Frank,
Colby Rasmus
Both are intriguing.
Both are 4 tool players.
Both are nearly impossible to manage.
Neither registers human intelligence.
While at first seeming like a good idea, both end up leaving one with a bad aftertaste and heartburn,
Do famous minor leaguers count?
Jeremy Brown?
Well if you are talking a true 5-tool player you would go with Mike Trout!
A 5 tool player would earn the nickname “Turbaconduckensgage”
Felix Pie. Because who doesn’t want to eat Turbaconducken Pie?
CC Sabathia
Adam Dunn. Not only does he eat all those things in one mouthful, but one could assume that his goose is cooked.
Vernon Wells
Jason Motte
Much respect to the retired Ray King
JD Drew, who betrays his rare talents by playing like a turkey. I wouldn’t be surprised if he spends the majority of his
injury timetime off the field hunting various fowl.Also, this: http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/extras/extra_bases/2011/02/jd_drew_is_terr.html
John Kruk, obviously.
Wow, lot of people focusing on the good. But let’s face it, the Turbaconducken will most likely come out awful. And if it’s awful you want, there’s really only one option:
Yuniesky Betancourt
Here’s a little Posnanski refresher for you on the subject:
http://joeposnanski.si.com/2010/03/24/the-yin-and-yang-of-yuni/
please people, be more creative than just naming fat players. The Turbaconducken means so much MORE than that. Can anyone recall a player who was perhaps inside of another player…inside of another player…….inside of another player?
If only Paul Lo Duca were still playing.
He’s a hated former Dodger inside, of a Dodger fan favorite, inside of a steroid dealer, inside of a career minor leaguer.
plus he must be italian, and if a Turbaconducken needs anything, it’s olive oil drenched mozzarella stuffing!
Jorge Posada.