Nickname Seeks Player: “Victorian Sex Rebel”

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of the noble knight-errant, is to assign players to cool nicknames rather than indulge in the tired, shopworn paradigm of assigning nicknames to cool players.

First, though, a brief jaunt through our Nickname Seeks Player Vaulted Halls of Honor:

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley

The nickname up for grabs in this episode? It’s “Victorian Sex Rebel”!

The writer was reading a review of this book, and his first thought was not, “This is potentially an important addition to existing socio-historical scholarship.” Rather, his first thought was, “‘Victorian Sex Rebel’ would make a fine nickname.” And so it is.

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

The Victorian era was, of course, a time of restrained passions. One did not do certain things in polite company. Sometimes, one did not do anything in polite company. Indeed, for the bodice-ripper to exist, there must first be the binding oppression of the bodice itself.

So the Victorian Sex Rebel was one whose mighty will, heart and loins could not be harnessed by the times. Or it could be someone whose contrived image was at odds with his inner malaise. Something like that.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Bo Belinsky made baseball love to innumerable foxy ladies while the 60s were still the 50s. Joe DiMaggio affected an image of impossible grace even though he was, at heart, something of a miserable weirdo. A pilot killed a drunken Lon Koenecke with a fire extinguisher. So there was at least something Victorian Sex Rebellish about Mr. Koenecke, since I can’t imagine that being killed by a pilot with a fire extinguisher was ever a thing no matter how unruly the times.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

Which current major-league player should be nicknamed “Victorian Sex Rebel”?

The convention floor, which, appropriately enough, is lousy with sex hammocks, is now open for nominations …



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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Kyle
Guest
Kyle

Colby Rasmus. Have you seen his sunglasses?

Gail
Guest
Gail

I see this and definitely think loins that could not be harnessed by the times.

http://yfrog.com/gzmd6yzj

Yirmiyahu
Member
Yirmiyahu

Derek Jeter? The dude somehow manages to maintain a classy and professional public image, despite the fact that he frequents NYC clubs and has dated approximately 2342323 celebrity hotties.

filihok
Guest

“Victorian Sex Rebel was one whose mighty will, heart and loins could not be harnessed by the times”

Is this any one but Jeter? I think not

Ryan
Guest
Ryan

Jason Varitek. He condemned Orlando Cabrera in 04 because he apparently had an affair with another player’s wife. Then he went and cheated on his wife with Heidi Watney. With good reason however:

comment image

mike
Guest
mike

Uh, I think you’re misinformed about the Cabrera situation… it was far less legal than anybody’s wife.

Me
Guest
Me

Jon Axford

phoenix2042
Guest
phoenix2042

seconded. that mustache cannot be tamed.

Telo
Guest
Telo

front runner

ElJosharino
Member
ElJosharino

Barry Zito

phoenix2042
Guest
phoenix2042

carlos zambrano or orlando cabrera for their inability to be restrained.

Nik
Guest
Nik

Dustin Ackley, clearly, the man can wear a beard.

Noel
Guest
Noel

Hideki Matsui. Not only is he an honorable and up-standing baseball player from Japan; he is also an owner of a very large collection of pornographic videos.

Greg W
Guest
Greg W

“Kick ass, pop some champagne, and get some hos!

AdamDone
Guest
AdamDone

I’m going to have to go with John Axford. He looks like he enjoys positions other than missionary and doggystyle, the only two coitus-manuevers known to be used during Victorian times.

Eric
Guest
Eric

As an ironic entry, I put forward C.J. Wilson, i.e. the str8edgeracer. A Victorian Sex Rebel was a person going against society’s expectations by breaking the strict bonds of the time, whereas Mr. Straight Edge himself is going against society’s expectations by placing bonds on himself.

So in the great hipster tradition of irony, I see no greater nominee than C.J. Wilson as the Victorian Sex Rebel.

Josh
Guest
Josh

JJ Hardy

The Bat
Guest
The Bat

Pat Burrell
He at one point stated: “Your pussy is jealous”
For those famililiar with Brian Wilson’s friend “The Machine,” it is actually Pat Burrell.
Also his current nickanme is “The bat” but not for the one he only uses at the stadium.

brett
Guest
brett

Haha, pretty unrelated but this reminded of a famous Matt Stairs quote:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiJwoNSLRwg

brett
Guest
brett

I really like the Matsui nomination but I’ll add Brian Wilson to the mix. I mean you guys saw that sex slave clip, right? Plus he LOOKS like a Victorian sex rebel.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman

Actual true fact that is true: Queen Victoria loved nude paintings and had a collection of them. Her husband, Prince Albert, was the prudish one who had people stick little twigs in front of the naughty bits. He had to because Victoria kept buying more nudes to piss him off.

Actually true.

glassSheets
Guest
glassSheets

This sounds made up, not true, and fabricated.

Brad Johnson
Member
Member

But if true, then we know at least one player who is NOT the Victorian Sex Rebel.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman

Sorry, bro, but it is true, factual, and there was an entire art exhibit about it. I won’t link here ‘cuz of the spam filter thing, but Google “queen victoria passion for nudes,” which I promise does not turn up anything unsavory, and the first link is to a news article about the art exhibit of Victoria’s favorite naked lady paintings.

The Rajah
Guest
The Rajah

Josh Collmenter.

Bryz
Guest

I think I’d put Hideki Matsui and C.J. Wilson as my top 2 votes, though I think I’d give Wilson the edge just because I find it weird associating someone that is Japanese with “Victorian.”

Noel
Guest
Noel

But Hideki Matsui is more analogous because of the belief that the Japanese culture is rigid and proper. Much like the Victorian era.

The proof is as clear as an SAT Exam:
Hideki Matsui is to Japanese culture as a Victorian Sex Rebel is to the Victorian era.

Brad Johnson
Member
Member

I think you guys are being rather literal (and hasty) with this one. I’m going to take some time to swallow and digest this – probably with a proven alchemical mix of Guinness and fried white fish. I’ll get back to you on the morrow.

glassSheets
Guest
glassSheets

‘Tis on the morow and I’m still waiting.

Brad Johnson
Member
Member

Well there’s some good news and there is some bad news. The good news is I got a name. The bad news is that it’s a retired player – Wade Boggs. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do about that…

Greg W
Guest
Greg W

So why was my first thought about Eric Hinske’s back tattoo?

MikeS
Guest
MikeS

Brent Morel. He’s been restrained all year long and now he’s bustin’ out. But you just know that come april he’ll be back to a 250/270/320 line.

Erik Archer
Guest

C.J. Wilson is the poster boy for sex

Resolution
Guest
Resolution

he’s straight edge. Promiscuous, rebellious sex seems at odds with the straight edge ideology. For this nickname, it’s incredibly important to be able to ‘walk the walk’…

Metsox
Guest
Metsox

Boof Bonser

The Common Man
Guest

Tim Wakefield, for clearly being the last active player alive during the Victorian era.

Ben
Guest

100% has to be Pat Burrell! If you somehow haven’t heard about his sex life…

1. google “pat burrell”

2. check out this porn star he banged (she told howard stern that he was a mediocre lay) http://deadspin.com/5164872/pat-burrells-vaunted-bat-may-actually-be-made-of-maple-porn-star-says

3. “Pat Burrell Could Totally Sleep With Your Wife Right Now if he Wanted To” http://www.serioussportsnewsnetwork.com/2008/05/pat-burrell-could-totally-sleep-with-your-wife-right-now-if-he-wanted-to.html

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