Nickname Seeks Player: “Victorian Sex Rebel”

Our ongoing quest, in the manner of the noble knight-errant, is to assign players to cool nicknames rather than indulge in the tired, shopworn paradigm of assigning nicknames to cool players.

First, though, a brief jaunt through our Nickname Seeks Player Vaulted Halls of Honor:

Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley

The nickname up for grabs in this episode? It’s “Victorian Sex Rebel”!

The writer was reading a review of this book, and his first thought was not, “This is potentially an important addition to existing socio-historical scholarship.” Rather, his first thought was, “‘Victorian Sex Rebel’ would make a fine nickname.” And so it is.

Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:

The Victorian era was, of course, a time of restrained passions. One did not do certain things in polite company. Sometimes, one did not do anything in polite company. Indeed, for the bodice-ripper to exist, there must first be the binding oppression of the bodice itself.

So the Victorian Sex Rebel was one whose mighty will, heart and loins could not be harnessed by the times. Or it could be someone whose contrived image was at odds with his inner malaise. Something like that.

Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:

Bo Belinsky made baseball love to innumerable foxy ladies while the 60s were still the 50s. Joe DiMaggio affected an image of impossible grace even though he was, at heart, something of a miserable weirdo. A pilot killed a drunken Lon Koenecke with a fire extinguisher. So there was at least something Victorian Sex Rebellish about Mr. Koenecke, since I can’t imagine that being killed by a pilot with a fire extinguisher was ever a thing no matter how unruly the times.

Guiding, Determinative Query:

Which current major-league player should be nicknamed “Victorian Sex Rebel”?

The convention floor, which, appropriately enough, is lousy with sex hammocks, is now open for nominations …




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


38 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Player: “Victorian Sex Rebel””

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  1. Kyle says:

    Colby Rasmus. Have you seen his sunglasses?

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  2. Yirmiyahu says:

    Derek Jeter? The dude somehow manages to maintain a classy and professional public image, despite the fact that he frequents NYC clubs and has dated approximately 2342323 celebrity hotties.

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  3. Ryan says:

    Jason Varitek. He condemned Orlando Cabrera in 04 because he apparently had an affair with another player’s wife. Then he went and cheated on his wife with Heidi Watney. With good reason however:

    http://www.howigit.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/heidiwatney2.jpg

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  4. ElJosharino says:

    Barry Zito

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  5. phoenix2042 says:

    carlos zambrano or orlando cabrera for their inability to be restrained.

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  6. Nik says:

    Dustin Ackley, clearly, the man can wear a beard.

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  7. Noel says:

    Hideki Matsui. Not only is he an honorable and up-standing baseball player from Japan; he is also an owner of a very large collection of pornographic videos.

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  8. AdamDone says:

    I’m going to have to go with John Axford. He looks like he enjoys positions other than missionary and doggystyle, the only two coitus-manuevers known to be used during Victorian times.

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  9. Eric says:

    As an ironic entry, I put forward C.J. Wilson, i.e. the str8edgeracer. A Victorian Sex Rebel was a person going against society’s expectations by breaking the strict bonds of the time, whereas Mr. Straight Edge himself is going against society’s expectations by placing bonds on himself.

    So in the great hipster tradition of irony, I see no greater nominee than C.J. Wilson as the Victorian Sex Rebel.

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  10. The Bat says:

    Pat Burrell
    He at one point stated: “Your pussy is jealous”
    For those famililiar with Brian Wilson’s friend “The Machine,” it is actually Pat Burrell.
    Also his current nickanme is “The bat” but not for the one he only uses at the stadium.

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  11. brett says:

    I really like the Matsui nomination but I’ll add Brian Wilson to the mix. I mean you guys saw that sex slave clip, right? Plus he LOOKS like a Victorian sex rebel.

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  12. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Actual true fact that is true: Queen Victoria loved nude paintings and had a collection of them. Her husband, Prince Albert, was the prudish one who had people stick little twigs in front of the naughty bits. He had to because Victoria kept buying more nudes to piss him off.

    Actually true.

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    • glassSheets says:

      This sounds made up, not true, and fabricated.

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      • Brad Johnson says:

        But if true, then we know at least one player who is NOT the Victorian Sex Rebel.

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      • Well-Beered Englishman says:

        Sorry, bro, but it is true, factual, and there was an entire art exhibit about it. I won’t link here ‘cuz of the spam filter thing, but Google “queen victoria passion for nudes,” which I promise does not turn up anything unsavory, and the first link is to a news article about the art exhibit of Victoria’s favorite naked lady paintings.

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  13. The Rajah says:

    Josh Collmenter.

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  14. Bryz says:

    I think I’d put Hideki Matsui and C.J. Wilson as my top 2 votes, though I think I’d give Wilson the edge just because I find it weird associating someone that is Japanese with “Victorian.”

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    • Noel says:

      But Hideki Matsui is more analogous because of the belief that the Japanese culture is rigid and proper. Much like the Victorian era.

      The proof is as clear as an SAT Exam:
      Hideki Matsui is to Japanese culture as a Victorian Sex Rebel is to the Victorian era.

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  15. Brad Johnson says:

    I think you guys are being rather literal (and hasty) with this one. I’m going to take some time to swallow and digest this – probably with a proven alchemical mix of Guinness and fried white fish. I’ll get back to you on the morrow.

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  16. Greg W says:

    So why was my first thought about Eric Hinske’s back tattoo?

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  17. MikeS says:

    Brent Morel. He’s been restrained all year long and now he’s bustin’ out. But you just know that come april he’ll be back to a 250/270/320 line.

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  18. Erik Archer says:

    C.J. Wilson is the poster boy for sex

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    • Resolution says:

      he’s straight edge. Promiscuous, rebellious sex seems at odds with the straight edge ideology. For this nickname, it’s incredibly important to be able to ‘walk the walk’…

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  19. Metsox says:

    Boof Bonser

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  20. Tim Wakefield, for clearly being the last active player alive during the Victorian era.

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  21. Ben says:

    100% has to be Pat Burrell! If you somehow haven’t heard about his sex life…

    1. google “pat burrell”

    2. check out this porn star he banged (she told howard stern that he was a mediocre lay) http://deadspin.com/5164872/pat-burrells-vaunted-bat-may-actually-be-made-of-maple-porn-star-says

    3. “Pat Burrell Could Totally Sleep With Your Wife Right Now if he Wanted To” http://www.serioussportsnewsnetwork.com/2008/05/pat-burrell-could-totally-sleep-with-your-wife-right-now-if-he-wanted-to.html

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