Nickname Seeks Player: Vote on “I Am Not Afraid of You & I Will Beat Your Ass”

The convention floor is filled with happy, beaten asses. Names have been placed into nomination, and some of those names have been subsequently culled according to the whims of the Parliamentarian with the Lidless Eye. And now, citizens, it is time to vote.

The matter before you: Which player is most worthy of the nickname “I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass”? Remember, please don’t enter the voting booth unless accompanied by one of our Election Supervisors, who are here to ensure proper and right-wise outcomes …

Thank you, patriots, for exercising the franchise.

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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

17 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Player: Vote on “I Am Not Afraid of You & I Will Beat Your Ass””

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  1. Yirmiyahu says:

    Here’s my problem with Nyjer Morgan. He already has a good nickname, and he’s too fun-loving for this nickname. “I Am Not Afraid of You & I Will Beat Your Ass” should be someone seething with quiet fury, rather than an off-his-rocker weirdo with bad judgment.

    Adrian Beltre.

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    • Pikachu says:

      but the thing is, Beltre isn’t the kind of player that pops into your head when you hear “I Am Not Afraid of You & I Will Beat Your Ass”.

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  2. Bill@TPA says:

    You can’t seriously give that awesome nickname to a guy who freaks out when people touch his head. Beltre may beat your ass, but he is also afraid of you.

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  3. filihok says:

    Fail that nobody nominated Halladay. “Beat your ass” doesn’t have to be in the brutal sense. How about just in the baseball dominance sense?

    How’d Carpenter not make the final cut?

    I abstain for voting on this nickname.

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  4. Toasty says:

    Ever since that Farnsworth video was posted in the comments, my vote has been sealed. Plus, he wears goggles, so he clearly doesn’t care what people think of him.

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  5. I’m going to go ahead and add Wily Mo Pena to the ballot.

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  6. Jennifer says:

    I ask you to take one look at this photo of Henry Blanco and see that he is perfect for this nickname.

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  7. CreativeMace says:

    My vote went to the guy who looks and acts the most like the nickname describes. Funneling beers after a big win and still able to throw punches when the team needs you most.

    Plus the fact that Coco is on the bottom of this brawl, he shouldn’t be considered with a write-in vote.

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  8. Bryz says:

    I did pick Farnsworth, but I still feel that Nolan Ryan should have been a choice.

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    • glassSheets says:

      Dayn Perry is like a mom from a 60’s TV show. He did it for your own good because he knew best… and in the end you’re better of aboard the Farnsworth train.

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  9. William says:

    I love this album. Yo La Tengo rocks. Despite being Mets fans. Though they did wear John Rocker jerseys at a show in Atlanta once. Not bad. (Ironically… obviously I hate John Rocker).

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  10. louismatos says:

    I voted for morgan but john rocker immediately popped into my head when i saw this. It seems like something he would actually say to someone without thinking twice.

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