Nickname Seeks Player: Vote on “Iago’s Balls”

The nomination process, which was a thicket of sexy possibilities, is now complete. In accordance with established standards, empaneled racists have whittled the list down to a manageable ledger of 10, from which you are to choose the one most worthy of the nickname “Iago’s Balls.” Remember: This player is not only evil, like Iago, but also foul-smelling, like Iago’s hairy giggle-beans.

So, those who quarter soldiers in peacetime, you may now cast ballots on who — or what! — should forevermore be nicknamed “Iago’s Balls” …


Thank you for exercising the franchise.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


20 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Player: Vote on “Iago’s Balls””

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  1. Mike says:

    Luke Scott is Iago’s Balls. I was debating between A.J. Pierzynski and Hanley Ramirez, as both share TRAITS with Iago’s Balls. But when I noticed Scott on the list, it became all too clear: Luke Scott IS Iago’s Balls. Iago’s Balls ARE Luke Scott. Luke Scott RESIDES in Iago’s Sack. On this matter, there can be no debate. We must take action to see that Luke Scott and Iago’s Balls become synonymous in the immediate future.

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    • NatsFan73 says:

      Bah! Luke Scott holds political opinions that are at odds with roughly 50% of the country, that doesn’t make him evil. Or smelly :) I’m not aware that he is particularly a jerk or guilty of dirty pool. Unlike, say, Pierzynski or Padilla.

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      • Mike says:

        Roughly 50% of the country insists that Barack Obama is a terrorist who wasn’t ‘born here’ and that he ‘hasn’t supplied a birth certificate’ that he has supplied several times? That sucks.

        Anyway, he has made a lot of angry comments about a lot of opposing players and fans for the extent of his career. Did you see his beard earlier this year? And he looks like he would smell like Bigfoot’s dick.

        I agree Pierzynski seems like Iago’s Balls. But trust me, Luke Scott is Iago’s Balls.

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  2. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Padilla, Pierzynski, Scott. Hmmm. This requires lengthy contemplation while ensconced upon a rounded white porcelain dais of deliberation: the Seat of Strenuous Cerebral Study, as it were.

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  3. dp says:

    I will continue to make the case for Chipper Jones. On the surface, he is less odious than Pierzynski the Red-Ass or Luke Scott the be-muttonchopped assclown of our American nightmares. Consider, however, that the character Iago, and the twin fathers of millions that propelled him to such diabolical ends, would never resort to such overt means of bastardry as the aforementioned players would.

    The true evil of Iago’s undoubtedly disease ravaged and obscenely large nads (indeed, the man himself) was that by the time one realized that evil was afoot, it was far too late to undo the damage or visit proper justice upon the wrongdoer. Chipper Jones is just such a man. He, like the nexus of banal evil that is Steve Garvey, is a perennial All-Star who fathered a child with a Hooter’s waitress while married. (A fine accomplishment, no doubt, but the accomplishment of a scoundrel nonetheless) He is a man who named one of his progeny solely to troll the fanbase of the team he tormented most. He hails from Deland, Florida, a cesspool of swamp-rot, trailer parks, and the detritus of greater Daytona so foul and unrelentingly awful that the only way one could emerge was to be as dank and foul as the testicles of Iago himself. Also, he bears no little resemblance to a besacked nut himself, the egg-shaped sagging blob of a face terminating in a scraggly patch of hair designed to draw attention from his even-expanding double chin.

    Iago’s Balls. Larry “Chipper” Jones II. It has been foretold.

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    • eckmuhl says:

      Iago’s Balls are evil incarnate. For it was the Ball’s of Iago that allowed him to commit such vile treachery. The betrayal was without motivation other than his huge Balls told him it could be done. Iago’s Balls were the means. A man with lesser Balls would never have attempted such a crime. Thus, in essence, his Balls were more diabolically evil than the man. As to whom on the list best fits that mold, I cannot tell. But let these ruminations guide you to a proper conclusion.

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  4. Love that photo of Cistulli in his natural habitat.

    I voted A.J.

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  5. dockmarm says:

    I am severely disappointed that every poll choice was not A.J. Pierzynski.

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  6. Jack says:

    Vincent Padilla looks like Iago’s balls, but isn’t evil enough to deserve this.
    Luke Scott has the evil part down, but doesn’t look the part.

    If AJ Pierzynski is selected, when ever I see the GIF of Michael Barrett punching him, I not only get to celebrate the pain of the most evil current MLB player, but also the pain of the most evil literature character of all time. Win-Win

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  7. Eminor3rd says:

    Guys, LOOK at Vincente Padilla’s face! THAT’S IT!

    If you didn’t hate him before, don’t you hate him now that you’ve looked at his face?

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    • Bryz says:

      I agree. If it wasn’t for Hideki Irabu, I’d swear that Steinbrenner’s “fat, pussy toad” comment was directed at Padilla.

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  8. MikeS says:

    As I said when the poll was announced, can’t we just give it AJ and then go home early?

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  9. deadhead says:

    I bet Delmon Young is pissed that he’s on the same list (it ain’t Schindler’s) as Youk. I wrote in Bob Costas.

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  10. Erik Archer says:

    Hmm, Delmon’s a tool, Padilla’s a dirt bag, and Hanley’s a motherfucker. I’ll be up all night sorting this out.

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  11. DodgersKingsoftheGalaxy says:

    No idea what’s going on…

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  12. bstar says:

    CHIPPER JONES????? whuuuuuuuuut?

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  13. Sophist says:

    I suppose this is limited to players only, but when you mention evil incarnate, one baseball name comes to mind: Tony Larussa

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  14. Jimbo69 says:

    I have to admit I hadn’t seen what Chipper Jones actually looks like recently. Now having seen him waddle around during the all star game, it has become very apparent that his face does in fact closely resemble the ball sack of an approximately 80 year old man

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