No, Really, Is Dustin Ackley Fixed?

Forget about whether he’s now learning how to selectively pull for power and hitting fewer weak ground balls, the real question that I hoped Tony Blengino’s (excellent) piece on the main site would answer is whether Dustin Ackley is “fixed” — whether his reproductive organs have been removed.

Initial evidence seems to indicate they haven’t been. He married his longtime girlfriend before the 2012 season. (A girlfriend whose cousin seemed to enjoy posting about their engagement on shady-looking Internet message boards).

But — check this out — he and his wife reportedly have two Yorkies:

As for Ackley, marriage has altered his life. He loved Justine for years, but now there are two young mouths to feed — Yorkies Dudley and Elli.

Ackley is smitten.

“I’ve always had dogs, usually bigger dogs like golden retrievers. When Justine wanted a dog, she wanted a Yorkie,” he said. “I can’t go more than a couple days without seeing them now, or I start missing them.

“Dudley might be the smartest dog I’ve ever known. I get dressed in the morning, he goes to the front door and waits. He knows I’m leaving. “He’s like a human in a dog’s body.”

The real question is: are his Yorkies fixed? And — conspiracy theory — if Dudley is so smart, a “human in a dog’s body” — perhaps Ackley is in fact a “dog in a human’s body,” the two have switched souls, and when Dudley was supposedly at the vet’s office for his procedure… Ackley was in fact the one being fixed.

Just something to think about if you really, truly, have nothing to think about on this fine Tuesday afternoon.

IMAGE: is that a baseball… or a baseball… if you know what I mean.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

9 Responses to “No, Really, Is Dustin Ackley Fixed?”

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  1. P Hound says:

    “I can’t go more than a couple days without seeing [Notgraphs] now, or I start missing [it].”


    +13 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. AC says:

    This would explain the unkempt fur beard. He needs to visit the canine salon.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. dfives says:

    what the hell is that website?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. I'll Be Here All Night says:

    You know you’ve been around baseball players too long when you start thinking a dog is “human” smart because he waits by the front door for his owner.

    +7 Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Maybe they have the dogs because Ackley is incapable of siring children.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Damaso's Burnt Shirt says:

    I think the opposite happened and he had neuticals “installed.” He’s swinging like he’s two balls ahead in the count.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. pinch says:

    I guess it’s fitting that the only thing more depressing than Hopeless Joe is Hopeless Joe’s Kickstarter. At first I thought it was 30,000 pledged of the 25,000 goal, but no, that’s a period.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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