not-Peavy and the Tale of the Finger

Jake Peavy explains his finger injury to the Boston Herald:

“Just getting ready to go fishing … promised my little boys I’d take them fishing. Went over to Bass Pro [Shops] and bought them some rod and reels and they were combined. Just tried to cut them, because they were wire-tied, using my knife,” Peavy said.

“With my right hand holding the rod, with my left holding the knife and when I broke the wire tab it (the knife) just stuck my knuckle pretty good.”

Peavy said he struck a vein and he bled pretty severely all over his shorts. He said he and his boys went to John Lackey’s house, where he discarded the bloody shorts for a new pair….

“It was a brand new knife and it was huge as well. It was new and big, so it was pretty sterile, but it was pretty sharp as well,” he said….

“No, we didn’t catch anything, but I might have got dad of the year votes on that one. I promised my 5-year-old we’d go fishing and that’s why I didn’t seek attention. My older two come with me (to the ballpark), but I leave him (the 5-year-old). We had about a hour before dark. I couldn’t tell my 5-year-old I couldn’t go fishing. It was his last day here,” he said.

As someone who has never been fishing, and is probably pretty unlikely to ever go fishing, I will attempt to translate this injury into something I can better relate to.

“Just getting ready to go to the library … promised my son I’d take him to the library to get some books. Went over to the children’s shelves and picked up a book, and it was stuck to another book. Just tried to pull them apart, and I got a paper cut,” not-Peavy said.

“With my right hand holding one book, with my left holding the other book, when I pulled the sticky pages from each other (one sheet) just sliced my delicate little finger pretty good.”

not-Peavy said he struck a capillary and he bled pretty invisibly all over the cuff of his polo shirt. He said he and his son went to John Lackey’s house, where he discarded one polo shirt for another one, in a slightly different shade of blue….

“It was a brand new book, and it was a picture book, so it was huge as well. It was new and big, and no one had taken it out of the library before, so it was pretty sterile, but it was pretty sharp as well,” he said….

“No, we didn’t end up reading anything, but I might have got Library Patron of the Year votes on that one. I promised my son we’d go back to the library and that’s why I didn’t seek attention. I could have used one of those tiny band-aids,” he said.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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not-Cistulli
Guest
not-Cistulli

“Just getting ready to go to the patisserie … promised mon petit fils I’d take him to Les Fromages to get some croissants. Went over to the Gruyere shelves and picked up a crepe, and it was stuck to another crepe. Just tried to pull them apart, and my thin skin tore apart instead,” dit-not-Cistulli.

“With my right hand holding one cafe-au-lait, with my left holding the patisserie owner’s neck, when I pulled the torn skin from the crepe ménage-a-deux the blood spurted profusely. Zut alors!”

ne-Cistulli-pas said he struck an ingrown hair and he bled pretty disproportionately all over the brim of his chapeau. He said he and his son went to Johnny Depp’s house, where he regaled his now-favorite actor with spellbinding tales of junior-high gopherballs and Corey Kluber fatheads.

“It was a brand patisserie, and it pictured a huge selection as well. It was new and big, but with none of the Parisian joie-de-vie, so it was pretty sterile, like a detestable American chain. And the fromage was pretty sharp as well,” dit-il.

“No, we didn’t end up eating anything, but I might have got Filthy American of the Year votes on that one. I promised my son and Monsieur Depp we’d go back to the patisserie. It sure as HELL won’t be my last day here,” he said.

not-Cistulli
Guest
not-Cistulli

*brand NEW patisserie

(try typing with a freshly-lanced, index-finger ingrown hair and see if YOU go typo free)

tz
Guest
tz

Why do I keep cracking up at that “dit-il”??

not Frenchy
Guest
not Frenchy

I don’t get it.

Alex Andreopoulos
Guest
Alex Andreopoulos

This is actually one of the greatest things I have read in a while…

Walter Johnson
Guest
Walter Johnson

It looks as if somebody might only be throwing 150 pitches tomorrow.

scatterbrian
Guest
scatterbrian

I’m sorry, he used a knife to open something that was “wire-tied”?

Frank
Guest
Frank

Wire-tied referring to wire-ties, cable-ties, or zip-ties

In this case the “wire” refers to to wiring, or cable that you might find in a jungle of knots behind your television.

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Curt Schilling
Guest
Curt Schilling

Nothing that can’t be stitched up with a little bit of fishing line. And you can use a dry sock as a tourniquet if the bleeding is bad.

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