NotGraphs: A Valedictory Statement

In his collection of aphorisms The Trouble with Being Born — a text from which the present author has quoted with embarrassing frequency in the most recent episodes of FanGraphs Audio featuring Dayn Perry — Romanian philosopher/misanthrope Emil Cioran ejaculates the following, apropos little besides the troublesome burden of existence:

My vision of the future is so exact that if I had children, I should strangle them here and now.

With horror, is one reasonable way of reacting to Cioran’s declaration — horror that a man might exterminate his own issue based merely on a foreboding sense of the future. Considerable delight, however, is the more appropriate sensation — delight at the ecstatic dimensions of Cioran’s rampant pessimism (while also recognizing that people really, definitely shouldn’t kill babies).

What the current post represents is the final one ever to appear at NotGraphs. For those who’ve enjoyed the site — and there are more of those sorts than I would have expected — its end might be cause for horror or something like horror. As is the case with Cioran’s sentiment, however, the more appropriate reaction is delight.

Mike Bates and Robert Baumann and David Temple and Navin Vaswani have all enumerated the site’s virtues more ably than I could. I thank their dumb, absurd faces for that. Now what we have, with the death of the site, is the liberating pleasure that attends the end of a thing. Not the end of a child, mind you — because that would represent an offense very punishable by law — but of a thing that wasn’t terrible and somehow remained not terrible until the end.

Thank you, everyone, for making the constantly poor decision to visit this site. Consider making more of those (i.e. poor decisions) by means of visiting Banknotes Industries.



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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


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(Still) James
Guest
(Still) James

#KeepNotGraphs

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest

Friends,

Please remember that, while NotGraphs takes its premature earthly rest on these pages, the spirit, wanton recklessness, and creative staff of NotGraphs live on at Banknotes Industries.

Again, I hope to see all of you there, and I hope we all enjoy many more years of twerking baseball players, avant-garde plays featuring Corey Kluber, and Dick Allen Research together.

Eric F
Guest
Eric F

You can count me in.

The spirit and atmosphere on these electronic pages cannot be found anywhere else.

Farewell NotGraphs, and long live Banknotes Industries!

D'Angelo Jiminez
Guest
D'Angelo Jiminez

Oops. Wrong web site.

Failedstate
Member
Member
Failedstate

Hear, Hear. I shall follow you to this place. Period.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest

As an aside, while we’re all confessing our feelings: I was always envious of your username.

The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz

I’ve been rabidly jealous of both your usernames for as long as I’ve seen you here. A Plus-100 to you both.

I don't care what anyone
Guest
I don't care what anyone

I still think you all are the greatest….

stuck in a slump
Guest
stuck in a slump

#Banknote4Prez

Bryce
Guest
Bryce

Didn’t he run in 2012?

Charles Debonair
Guest
Charles Debonair

So it’s been several months, and I think it is now safe to say that Banknotes Industries is actually quite terrible. Notgraphs it is not.

Comment Number 335
Guest
Comment Number 335

Savoir Faire, is everywhere!

Comment Number 430
Guest
Comment Number 430

So am I

Resolution
Guest
Resolution

They can’t stop me from sending hot sports news to not+tips at fangraphs dot com!!!

mch38
Member
mch38

Bye Carson ;_;

Navin Vaswani
Editor

I love you, Carson.

Oil Can Boyd
Guest
Oil Can Boyd

Cistulli. Love that guy.

Steven
Guest
Steven

If you love him so much, why don’t you strangle him here and now? I mean, why don’t you marry him?

Iraqis for Faulkner
Guest
Iraqis for Faulkner

Cistulli. Afternoon cordial with that guy.

BenRevereDoesSteroids
Guest
BenRevereDoesSteroids

Suck a dick, Carson. Just not my dick.

Steven
Guest
Steven

Clever Dick Allen Inserted Into Things joke.

Toasty
Guest
Toasty

Thank you for this final bit of dreadful Cistullian prose. All good things must come to an end.

Adrock
Guest
Adrock

His prose really is dreadful. The circumlocutions are as affected as his mustache and carefully sculpted sideburns.

I enjoyed his spirit of anarchy, and occasionally his analysis, but everything he wrote was just so extremely twee.

For whatever reason, his writing wasn’t quite so dreadful at the New Enthusiast. For whatever reason, he seemed to prefer wasting NotGraphs readers’ time (beyond the degree to which we were already wasting it).

Pete Mustard
Guest
Pete Mustard

Thanks Carson, for everything, and nothing.

Read The Conspiracy Against the Human Race! Can’t recommended enough. There are Cioran references in it abound.

Hitler But Sadder
Guest
Hitler But Sadder

Carson, you are a cold son of a bitch. Thanks for the memories.

Lenard
Member
Member
Lenard

Notgraphs refused to wither and die, instead it went out in a ball of fire.

Which actually was a burnning Chevette driven by Dick Allen, Dale Thayer, Hopeless Joe and Dayn Perry, whilst Carson was stuffed in the trunk.

Burn on, Notgraphs, burn on….

Bill
Guest
Bill

A Chevette with technology and stuff!

Lenard
Member
Member
Lenard

Literally one of the worst/best things I’ve seen on live television. How do you not rehearse that speech so many times you can do it in your sleep?

Carson's Johnny
Guest
Carson's Johnny

Sometimes people just freeze up.

I once in school rehearsed/memorized a long speech I had to give where I could use cards, but didn’t want to. I badly wanted to show off my awesome memory.

I could give that speech easily off the top of my head to a mirror or 5 people on demand. Then I got in front of a couple hundred people and could not even remember the first line, stumbled around, got one line out, couldn’t remember the second line, and embarrassingly had to pull out the cards.

I suspect he just wasn’t prepared emotionally for that kind of stage.

Chris Webber
Guest
Chris Webber

He should have just called time out.

Utah Dave
Guest
Utah Dave

Maybe it was a Ford Pinto? Adios Not Graphs. You will be missed.

Urban Shocker
Guest
Urban Shocker

Weeps.

jamie
Guest

disappointing that the final ever cistulli post on notgraphs contains no sentences in which he (i.e. carson) uses a subordinate clause to identify an antecedent.

kevo8
Member
kevo8

“Consider making more of those (i.e. poor decisions) by means of visiting Banknotes Industries.”

Don’t be disappointed.

MSpitz
Member
MSpitz

As a tribute to NotGraphs, I’m going to read every post tagged in the “Cistulli. F___ that guy.” category, and laugh forever.

Some guy
Guest
Some guy

IF WE KEEP THIS THREAD GOING, NOTGRAPHS WILL NEVER DIE!
#KeepNotGraphs

YABooble
Member
YABooble

I tried that here:

http://espn.go.com/blog/afcwest/post/_/id/34680/time-for-elway-to-think-post-tebow

but I got re-banned by the ESPN administrator for the 113th time, so it was just not meant to be.

Transmission
Member
Transmission

LAST!

Guest
Guest
Guest

MAN!

Ol Jim
Guest
Ol Jim

Keep it going!!!!

Dave Cameron's Puppy
Guest
Dave Cameron's Puppy

What is dead may never die

Bill but not Ted
Guest

this was a place

Robert J. Baumann
Member
Member

NotGraphs has been killed, but thankfully, upon its inception, it checked the WordPress box to be a [sex] organ donor. One lucky blog in need will receive said sex organs.

The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz

One lucky blog in need is going to have to learn how to ravish properly in that case.

Robert
Guest
Robert

LAST. #RIPNotGraphs Thank you.

Transmission
Member
Transmission

NOT LAST (I hope.)

Pete Mustard
Guest
Pete Mustard

#RIPkeepnotgraphs

MustBunique
Member
Member

Thanks and goodbye.

tz
Guest
tz

Thanks Carson. This venture succeeded in being unique and compelling. See you all at Banknotes Industries.

Eminor3rd
Guest
Eminor3rd

Congratulations on making something that people cared about.

RSF
Guest
RSF

This was a perfectly cromulent eulogy.

RIP Notgraphs

Bluebird in Boulder
Guest
Bluebird in Boulder

I was going to write something snarky about the re-launching of Parismatches.com, however, unbeknownst to me, until mere seconds ago, it’s re-launchening had already occurred.

samuelraphael
Guest

Just one more removed by administrator.

Carson's Johnny
Guest
Carson's Johnny

Well I would say its been lovely, but…

Nate
Guest
Nate

What’s your favorite post/comment/memory of NotGraphs?

I have more than one favorite, but this was certainly one of them.

I may or may not have had something like that reproduced and hung on my wall.

Thanks NotGraphs.

Nate
Guest
Nate

grrr.

<A HREF="” TARGET=””>A Favorite NotGraphs Post Actual Link

Nate
Guest
Nate

oh, ok. Screw it.

Die NotGraphs!

DerekJeterGiftBasket
Guest
DerekJeterGiftBasket

I will float a flaming gift basket, Viking-style down the Hudson in honor of NotGraphs.

NotGraphs is dead. Long live BanknotesIndustries.com!

reillocity
Guest
reillocity

“Thank you, everyone, for making the constantly poor decision to visit this site.”

May this be the epitaph inscribed on NotGraphs’ tombstone.

Boris Grushenko
Guest
Boris Grushenko

Don’t look at death like the end but as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.

Stringer Bell
Guest
Stringer Bell
Ruki Motomiya
Guest
Ruki Motomiya

NotGraphs is dead and we have killed it.

#KeepNotGraphs

John Elway
Member

A final shoutout for NotGraphs as it goes off to pasture:

NEIIIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just neighing.

Johnny Dangerously
Guest
Johnny Dangerously

This was funny once. Once.

Kalopsia
Guest
Kalopsia

“And Lo, for Notgraphs was empty of Form, and void. And Darkness was all over the Face of the Deep. And We said: ‘Look at those pages Dance.’”

Shrewd Cat
Guest
Shrewd Cat

Here endeth the sizzle.

Garys of Olde
Member
Member
Garys of Olde

But why?

Some guy
Guest
Some guy

This just occurred to me: does NotGraphs’ death mean no more Dayn Perry podcasts?
Also, will there be Banknotes Industries podcasts?
I hope the answer to both is yes.
#KeepNotGraphs
#BanknotesIndustries

Greg Dave Holland
Guest
Greg Dave Holland
AynRand'ssocialsecurity#
Guest
AynRand'ssocialsecurity#

I’m still waiting for Patrick Duffy to be taking a shower.

Beautiful Abandoned Places To Visit
Guest
Beautiful Abandoned Places To Visit

Long live NotGraphs

Paul G.
Guest
Paul G.

It always ends with Romanians, doesn’t it?

NotGraffanino
Guest
NotGraffanino

Well, this is starting to get awkward

John Paschal
Member

…like when you say goodbye to your friends outside the restaurant, and hug them goodbye, and then talk for a few moments more, and then hug them goodbye again, and say, finally, “Yeah, that was really fun, let’s do it again,” and begin to walk away only to realize that they’re walking in the same direction?

Yeah, pretty awkward.

But hey, at least we’ve got friends, right? And restaurants.

One a personal yet public note: I’m sad that I won’t be writing for NotGraphs anymore, but suddenly, I’m equally sad that I won’t be READING NotGraphs anymore. It’s been really fun, and I’d like to do it again, but now we’re walking away, in different directions.

Adios, everybody.

John Paschal
Member

*ON a personal yet public note, I mean.

Sheesh, my departing statement and boom, typo.

Well … adius everybady!

Embiggens Papiamentu
Guest
Embiggens Papiamentu

Fajrwellickson Caarsojiwens!

:syas
Guest
:syas

Some things are just too good to let go of.

Some guy
Guest
Some guy

This post has less comments than your average Dave Cameron article… C’mon NGers, you can do better than this!

dang
Guest
dang

Thanks for all the funky butt loving

Signed me

P.S. I’m drunk

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest

I think this is a sentiment we can all get behind agree upon.

Greg Dave Holland
Guest
Greg Dave Holland

Comments like this are why Banknotes Industries needs an upvoting mechanism. Make it happen, will you?

a eskpert
Guest
a eskpert

A JAZZ FAN! YAY!

Greg Ostertag Holland
Guest
Greg Ostertag Holland

It takes all types I guess.

Greg Dave Holland
Guest
Greg Dave Holland

My name is inspired by a commenter at FG who went by “Niels-Henning Orsted Joc Pedersen”. I kind of regret not going with “Paul Adron Chambers”. That one is for the taking, if there are any other jazz fans out there.

Brad Mehldau Mills
Guest
Brad Mehldau Mills

No love?

My name is Albert Pujols
Guest
My name is Albert Pujols
Hmmbug
Member
Hmmbug

I just need a comment on this post.

Ruben Amaro Jr.
Member
Ruben Amaro Jr.

You got one. Yay!

CardinalRules
Guest
CardinalRules

It is stupid and sad that NotGraphs is shutting down.

Transmission
Guest
Transmission

It’s not dead yet….

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