NotGraphs Q&A: Tino Martinez

Tino

NotGraphs reached out to Tino Martinez for some thoughts about hitting, coaching, Derek Dietrich, and bunny rabbits.

On hitting: “You’ve just got to make the f****** bat hit the f****** ball. That’s all there is to it. Pick up the f****** bat, swing it when the ball is coming, and, f***, you get a hit. It’s not that f****** difficult, and if you don’t understand, maybe you’ll get a better sense of it after I pick you up by the f****** neck and throw you against the f****** clubhouse wall. Also, you’ve got to watch out for the offspeed pitch.”

On being a coach: “I f****** love it. As a parent, I’m used to only having a couple of kids to f*** with, but now I have twenty-five. Even more if you count all those f****** good-for-nothing rookies who keep coming up to the f****** team. I’m a f****** legend to them, so even if I punch them in the face or kick them in the f****** crotch, they still worship me. I learned from my role model, former Yankees manager Idi Amin, that the way to get players to listen to you is force. A little force, a little tough love, and a little f****** baseball bat in the f****** skull. That’s all it takes to succeed.

On Derek Dietrich: “You mean I didn’t f****** kill him yet? I thought a little ***** like that would be f****** dead by now. I asked him to hit the ball the other way, and he kept on pulling it, so I took a baseball bat and **********************************************************************************************************************. Good kid, though. I think he has a bright future.”

On bunny rabbits: “They’re f****** losers.”

Thanks, Tino.

[Image: Tino demonstrating his trademark choking technique.]



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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Kevin
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Kevin

The Simpsons taught me strangling was okay. My world is crumbling around me.

Urban Shocker
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Urban Shocker

Seroquel or Zyprexa?

MikeS
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MikeS

Hey, look! Let’s play Mad Libs!

Mike Green
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Mike Green

Stupid dumbf***. Wasting a fan-f******-tastic word by using it the same f*****’ way time after time. No wonder he couldn’t hit when he wasn’t in Yankee Stadium. F***face.

Damaso's Burnt Shirt
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Damaso's Burnt Shirt

If someone is doing a remake of Full Metal Jacket then Tino’s the new Sgt Hartman.

“This is my bat, this one’s for hitting and this one’s for fun.”

AMAC
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AMAC

I said I’d never break nover and be here just for the baseball but as a brit and a chef…

(NSFW or people who don’t like swearing)

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Hitler but Sadder
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Hitler but Sadder

I guess when you’re young and stupid, you’re young and stupid.

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