NotGraphs (Super)Power Rankings


10. Breath Underwater

Better than not having any super power. Helpful if you’re a Navy Seal. Add fake shark fin for non-stop pranking fun.

9. Climb Walls/Shoot Spider Webs

Benefit to your peeping-tom hobby. Can easily avoid traffic jams. Never have to get up to fetch the remote.

8. Laser Eyes

Never get mugged again. Impromptu bird hunting always a possibility. Legit reason to wear sunglasses at night.

7. Control the Weather

Adds realism while telling scary stories. Perfect lawn. Always snows on Christmas.

6. Hammer-Wielding Alien

Abs. Pecs. Face.

5. Generally “Super” Alien

Bulletproof. Can turn back time. Job at a newspaper.

4. Accelerated Healing Capabilities

No hangovers. Eat all the fast food you want. Invulnerable to logging injuries.

3. Teleportation

Never late for probation meetings. First in line when the liquor store opens. No more bathroom accidents.

2. Flight

Avoid airports. Not required to fly commercial. Seriously, airports are the worst.

1. Invisibility

See every movie for free. Get to see your kids graduation, even though you weren’t invited. Freak people the fuck out.

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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.

29 Responses to “NotGraphs (Super)Power Rankings”

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  1. filihok says:

    NO WAY is laser eyes that low.

    NO WAY!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Craig says:

    A job at a newspaper? Generally super aliens have all the luck.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. 23553 says:

    I feel like you can do all the things you can do with invisibility with teleportation, and more.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Stuart says:

    Um, where is super speed? Is it considered the same as teleportation?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. BalkingHeads says:

    What about super strength? Even if you had the ability of flight, without super strength you would still need to take a plane or at least devise some way to bring your things with you.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. Mr. Smooth says:

    I don’t want to accuse anyone of being a perv, but I’m just saying that could be the real reason invisibility is #1.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. bigboneded says:

    I would move Breathe Underwater up to #7. And flight and teleportation should be ahead of invisibility. If you could teleport, you wouldn’t need to be invisibility.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. PioneerSkies says:

    What, no time travel?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Pableaux Gunmoney says:

      Time travel doesn’t make the top ten. Whatever your intentions, you just end up helping the Nazis win WWII.

      +10 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • 23553 says:

      Time Travel also kind of has to be paired with teleportation to work. There isn’t a whole lot of point in going back in time wherever you are.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Damaso's Burnt Shirt says:

    What about stretching like Mr Fantastic?

    Be the Rubber Armed Reliever every team wants and needs!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. hamjenkinsIII says:

    Space Coast Bias

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  11. JuanPierreDoesSteroids says:

    9. Climb Walls/Shoot Spider Webs… Can easily avoid traffic jams. .

    Only if you live in a big city.

    Also, how did persuasion not make this list?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. Shark Mapiro says:

    How is flight ahead of teleportation? Why waste the time flying when you can teleport somewhere immediately?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. Jon J says:

    No way Flight is above teleportation that’s like saying you’d rather have medium speed than super speed. Where is telekinesis (party trick, prob 9 or 10) or telepathy (Easily top 5, awesome for scoring women and playing cards, same w/ x-ray vision)

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  14. Chris Roeder says:

    In celebration of the recent MLB Draft:

    I think the top 3 could easily be interchanged at the top spot. As with the rest of the top 5, I feel that #4 easily has the highest upside of this super-power class, with a LIFE+ (adjusted life expectancy with superpower capability) percentage higher than any of the super-powers, so out of any power outside of the top 3, this power can definitely become a difference maker for any superhuman. As for the bottom 5, laser eyes and both aliens have a great SO (show off) rate and the GIRL+ (adjusted girl attraction with superpower capability) is definitely high there. As for the true sleeper of the class, I have to go with climb walls. The USE% (usefulness) percentage is sky high here as opposed to some others, and really has a definite chance to top out this system.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  15. MustBunique says:

    This list is too physical, how about good old fashioned mind control or reading? And precognition? Super brain for the win.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  16. LTG says:

    How can flight be #2 and super alien #5? Generally super aliens often fly. Flight+ > Flight. Or does the generally super alien category refer paradigmatically to the original (non-evil) Superman, who could not fly but merely jump extremely high?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  17. Dorm says:

    What? No matter transmutation?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  18. James K. says:

    What about the ability to rape a girl and get away with it? The Kobe Bryant Factor?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  19. JimmyD says:

    How about the ability to slow down or stop time? You could literally get away with anything!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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